We’ve all heard the phrase: “The past is in the past.” It’s a comforting mantra, but doesn’t always hold up in real life. And you don’t have to be a psychologist to understand that childhood trauma can follow someone into adulthood, especially within our most intimate relationships.
Whether it’s difficulty trusting a partner, shutting down during conflict, or constantly feeling like the other shoe is about to drop, the ghosts of early life experiences don’t just vanish as we age and fall in love. They show up—sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically—in the way we attach, communicate, and even in how we choose partners.
This article dives into the nuanced and lasting impact of childhood trauma on romantic relationships. We’ll explore how trauma influences attachment styles, emotional regulation, conflict patterns, and even our beliefs about love and worthiness.
What exactly is childhood trauma?
Let’s start by getting specific. Childhood trauma isn’t just about headline-level events like significant abuse or neglect. It also includes emotional abandonment, motor vehicle accidents, tragic losses, or chronic criticism. In fact, trauma is defined as an event that threatens injury, death, or the physical integrity of self or others and one that causes horror, terror, or helplessness at the time it occurs.
In America, there is a significant number of children who are exposed to trauma during their childhood. These experiences can shape a child’s developing brain and nervous system, impacting their sense of safety, identity, and relational expectations. For children who experience a (true) single incident, they often show resilience and return to their prior levels of functioning.
However, some children (especially those who experienced multiple or chronic trauma) may internalize maladaptive schemas that follow them into adulthood; beliefs such as I’m unlovable, or people always leave me.
How trauma shapes your attachment style
The most well-known link between childhood experiences and adult relationships comes from attachment theory. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned. But when caregiving is erratic, frightening, or absent, insecure attachment styles often emerge—namely, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized.
- Anxiously attached individuals: May become preoccupied with their partner’s availability. They might fear abandonment, need constant reassurance, and feel overly responsible for the relationship’s health.
- Avoidantly attached individuals: Will often suppress their emotional needs. They might pride themselves on independence, avoid vulnerability, and distance themselves when things get too intimate.
- Disorganized attachment individuals: Often have experienced more severe trauma. This attachment style combines both approach and avoidance, love and fear. These individuals may crave closeness but feel terrified of it at the same time.
Attachment styles aren’t destiny, but they do create relational “default settings” that can impact a person’s “success” in a relationship (romantic or otherwise).
Emotional regulation and trauma triggers
One of trauma’s lingering effects is difficulty regulating emotions. As children, we learn how to manage stress by co-regulating with our caregivers. If that wasn’t possible—because our caregivers were unable or unwilling to do so—we may grow up lacking self-soothing strategies or at least ones that work well. Fast forward to adult relationships, and this can show up as:
- Intense reactivity during disagreements
- Shutting down or dissociating when conflict arises
- Feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s emotions
- Misinterpreting neutral cues as rejection or attack
With a trauma history, it’s likely that these reactions aren’t about your partner–they’re old survival strategies popping up in the present.
Trauma repetition and the “same type” pattern
A lesser-known but powerful phenomenon in psychology is repetition compulsion—the unconscious drive to recreate early painful experiences in the hope of a different outcome.
This can explain why someone who grew up with a distant or critical parent might be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable. It’s not because they want to be hurt, but (unconsciously) they’re drawn to these behaviors in the hope they can overcome the trauma or master it now that they are an adult.
Of course, this rarely ends well without awareness and healing. These patterns often reinforce the original wound and deepen feelings of shame, unworthiness, or despair.
How trauma affects trust and vulnerability
At its core, trauma is a betrayal of safety—physical, emotional, or relational. It then makes sense that adults who experienced this (unresolved) betrayal struggle with trust, especially in the most vulnerable relationships–ones with romantic partners. Even if their partners are kind and consistent, the vulnerability needed to establish an emotional connection may feel too overwhelming and maybe even dangerous. It’s like being emotionally naked, letting someone really see you—that’s a risk that the trauma-wired brain wants to avoid.
But humans all want closeness, so this can lead to a push-pull dynamic. The result? Confusion for both partners and feelings that maintain those core fears and painful beliefs.
Beliefs about love, worth, and power dynamics
Speaking about beliefs and how they can impact how one forms romantic relationships, let’s dive more into other core beliefs that childhood trauma can impact.
As a child, if love was conditional—based on achievement, obedience, or emotional caretaking—you may come to believe you have to earn love. If your caregivers were critical, you might believe you’re fundamentally flawed. If boundaries were constantly violated, you might not even know what a healthy relationship feels like.
These beliefs then influence:
- The types of partners you choose
- What behaviors you tolerate (or normalize)
- Whether you speak up for your needs
- How much you self-sabotage when things are going well (consciously or unconsciously)
Power dynamics are also worth mentioning here. Trauma survivors sometimes can feel more comfortable in positions of less power. They may accept poor treatment or over-functioning in relationships not because they want to, but because it mirrors something known.
Healing is possible—and it doesn’t have to be perfect
Here’s the good news: trauma isn’t a life sentence. While the impacts are real, so is the brain’s capacity for change (aka neuroplasticity). And that healing starts with recognizing the pattern (without blame), creating more space between triggers and responses, and learning new ways to relate with others and the world.
How can one start the healing process? Here are some ways:
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- Therapy: Therapy, particularly trauma-informed modalities, trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, or DBT, is hugely beneficial. Couples therapy, such as EFT for couples, can also be a great complement to individual work.
- Communication skills: Focusing on building up communication skills, such as expressing needs, setting boundaries, and naming triggers, can give a person a sense of control and autonomy.
- Choosing partners: Recognizing a pattern in partner choice and learning to recognize red flags can help one avoid repeating the same patterns that become barriers to the healing process.
- Finding peer support: Finding those who have had similar experiences can be powerful. It can help you know you’re not alone and be with others who just “get it.” Support groups (online or local) can provide a safe space to share experiences and coping tools.
- Practice self-compassion: When those old patterns resurface, speak to yourself with the same kindness and compassion you’d offer a close friend. Self-love can help build the emotional foundation that makes safe, reciprocal love with others possible; it’s hard to let love in when you haven’t learned to love yourself.
Sometimes healing happens within a relationship; other times, it requires time outside of one to rebuild a secure sense of self. There’s no one path—but there are better tools and more support than ever before.
Final thoughts: Why understanding trauma matters in love and connection
Childhood trauma is more common than we may imagine—and not just the big, obvious kinds. Emotional neglect, feeling unseen, or growing up too fast can all leave lasting imprints on how we relate. If you’re in a relationship and find yourself stuck in confusing patterns, struggling with trust, or reacting in ways you don’t fully understand, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means that you have survived something that shouldn’t have happened, and you’re still on the path to healing.
Recognizing how trauma shows up in relationships isn’t just about insight—it’s also about self-compassion and choice. You’re not alone in this work. Many people are carrying similar stories, quietly learning how to build something better. Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past—it means creating new patterns in the present, with support, intention, and care.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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