A whopping 23% of Americans in relationships have feelings for another person who is not their partner. That’s a lot of crushes. This stat may make you feel less alone if you have a crush on someone else and you’re married or in a relationship. This article will discuss what a crush is, what it means for your relationship, whether or not it’s normal, and what you can do to move on from the crush. Let’s dive in!
What is a crush anyway?
You may be wondering if your little butterflies for that one coworker even qualifies as a crush. Webster’s dictionary defines a “crush” as experiencing an intense and usually passing infatuation. (Key phrase there: “usually passing”). In other words, having a crush on someone means liking someone a lot, but it’s a fleeting feeling that doesn’t surpass infatuation.
How to move on from your crush
If you have a nagging crush on your personal trainer that you just can’t seem to shake, here are some tips you can try to help move on from this fleeting infatuation:
- Try to spice things up with your partner. Making things interesting again can help move these lustful feelings elsewhere. For example, think about why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and lean into those feelings. Spark up more date nights. Get dressed up. Flirt. Etc.
- Ignore it: Just simply ignore the crush until it fades away eventually (as all crushes do… it’s not love!). If you don’t feed the crush by indulging it, it can’t survive for long.
- Talk to a therapist: If it’s really bugging you and you want to get it off your chest, you can try talking to a therapist about your “intense like” for your crush.
- Tell your spouse: Telling your spouse about your crush may help put the hammer down on these feelings because it will open up discussion about the marriage’s flaws and potentially help work towards fixing any issues. Plus, honesty is always the best policy in a marriage.
- Reframe your mindset: Remember that crushes are fleeting. They are not a reflection of real life. Your infatuation for this person can and will die down as soon as you date them for a few months (just like every other relationship).
- What you can learn from it: What about this person are you crushing on? Why do you have a crush in the first place? Are you lacking somewhere else? Are you bored? Do you have self-sabotaging issues? Learning why you have a crush in the first place is a good way to squash it.
What having a crush means for your relationship
Don’t worry; whether you or your partner has a crush on someone else, it doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. You need to first consider if this is truly just a crush (i.e., a fleeting feeling of infatuation for someone) or if it’s something deeper. If it’s something deeper than that, meaning it’s not going away any time soon, then you may have to introspect a bit.
You also might try leaning into what your crush signals about your marriage. Let’s use an example to demonstrate. Sara, a woman interviewed by Brides magazine, explained that her crush on a co-worker made her realize that she needed to inject more excitement into her relationship with her partner. The fact that it was lacking probably helped trigger her crush. Instead of feeding her crush, she suggested to her husband that they take a romantic weekend getaway and plan to surprise each other in passionate ways. Sara’s husband was receptive to all of her suggestions, and in this way, her crush actually acted as a catalyst that changed her marriage for the better.
Sometimes, a crush might not actually be signaling anything about your marriage. Another woman interviewed for the same article, Barb, analyzed her crush in a similar way, trying to figure out what it meant and why she was feeling that way. She realized that her crush wasn’t actually about her marriage but the fact that she did not feel fulfilled in other areas of her life. It actually inspired her to search for a job that would challenge her more.
What if one spouse acts on their crush?
What if your spouse indulges a crush? What if you indulge in a crush? These things do happen. In fact, according to the New York Times, 25% of married men and 15% of married women cheat. If this happens to you, there are ways to cope with a cheating spouse and ways to move forward or end the relationship, depending on what you want to do.
In addition, some couples choose to include an infidelity clause in their prenup for this exact reason. An infidelity clause stipulates that should either spouse cheat, they will be required to pay a financial penalty. For example, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s infidelity clause says that Biel would be entitled to $500,000 should Timberlake ever be caught cheating on her.
That said, it is important to point out that some states do not consider infidelity clauses to be legally enforceable, such as in California. However, a prenup is more than just a legal document; it is also an emotional document. A cheating spouse may feel compelled to honor the infidelity clause whether or not the court is willing to enforce it–or perhaps they might feel more compelled not to cheat in the first place.
The bottom line on having a crush on someone else
We hope that infidelity will never, ever be relevant to your relationship. You can handle crushes with grace by not feeding them, not keeping them secret, asking yourself what you can learn from them, recognizing their illusory nature, and imagining the destruction an actualized fantasy would bring to your actual relationship. Crushes are normal and natural, and your relationship with a spouse is so much more substantial than a crush.
Julia Rodgers is HelloPrenup’s CEO and Co-Founder. She is a Massachusetts family law attorney and true believer in the value of prenuptial agreements. HelloPrenup was created with the goal of automating the prenup process, making it more collaborative, time efficient and cost effective. Julia believes that a healthy marriage is one in which couples can openly communicate about finances and life goals. You can read more about us here Questions? Reach out to Julia directly at Hello@Helloprenup.com.
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