Your partner is dropping hints about getting engaged—commenting on rings, sharing proposal videos on TikTok, or asking what kind of wedding you’d want. Meanwhile, your stomach knots each time the subject comes up. You’re not quite there yet. But what does that mean—and what should you do next?
This article is for people in loving relationships who find themselves in the murky territory of mismatched readiness for engagement. We’ll explore the psychological reasons behind hesitation, how to communicate without hurting your partner, and ways to manage your own internal experience.
Understanding why you’re hesitating
It can be tempting to label yourself as “commitment-phobic” or to feel guilty about your hesitation. But ambivalence about engagement often has deeper psychological roots. Here are a few common reasons:
Attachment style conflicts
Attachment styles are patterns developed in childhood that shape how we connect in adult relationships and can play a major role. Some people naturally feel more secure with closeness, while others need more emotional space or reassurance.
Depending on your attachment style, an impending life change like an engagement can feel like a threat, even if you love your partner. You might feel a pull toward autonomy, fear of being consumed by the relationship, or feel triggered by the idea of having more to lose. Many of these reactions operate below the surface and often show up as hesitation.
Unresolved family dynamics
While it may sound cliché, our family history has a powerful influence. If your parents went through a tumultuous relationship or divorce, it can stir up fears of repeating painful patterns. And if you grew up feeling like a “parentified child,” marriage may subconsciously feel like a burden or over-responsibility.
Life stage mismatch
Maybe when you imagined being engaged, you thought you’d be in a different place—financially, professionally, or emotionally. Readiness for marriage often coincides with feeling grounded in your own life. If you’re still figuring out your career, managing debt, or healing from past wounds, it’s completely valid that engagement might feel overwhelming.
Loss of individual identity
Marriage can bring up fears of losing your independence. If the thought of engagement sparks worry about “disappearing into a we,” it might be your inner self asking for more time to solidify your sense of identity before fully merging with another person.
The impact of external expectations
External pressure—from friends, family, or cultural norms—can heavily influence your relationship timeline.
If you’re a woman, you might feel pressure to embrace engagement as a milestone you’re “supposed” to crave. If you’re a man, you might fear being seen as emotionally immature or non-committal. And for LGBTQ+ individuals, engagement can carry the added weight of visibility, validation, or navigating community norms.
Recognizing external pressure is a key step. Ask yourself:
- Are my fears truly mine, or did I inherit them from others (e.g., family, society, culture)?
- Try naming the pressure (e.g., “My friends are all getting married.”)
- Separate it from your truth (e.g., “I want to get engaged eventually, but not until I feel more secure in my career.”)
- Affirm your autonomy (e.g., “It’s okay to be on a different timeline.”)
External expectations can help shape your identity—but only if they align with your own values and goals.
Does my partner know how they’re impacting me?
A partner hinting at engagement isn’t inherently bad, but when the hints pile up, they can start to feel like veiled ultimatums. Try to decode the emotional undertones of these hints. Is your partner excited and hopeful? Anxious and seeking reassurance? Trying to keep up with friends who are getting engaged? Understanding what’s motivating them can shift how you respond to the situation.
What readiness for an engagement actually looks like
Many people assume that being ready for engagement means being completely free of doubt. But that’s rarely the case. Even the happiest couples experience moments of ambivalence—it’s natural, and ever-changing. Instead of focusing on certainty, consider these markers of relational readiness:
Clarity, not certainty
You don’t need to have every answer. Focus on having a clear sense of why you want to be with your partner. Do you genuinely want to build a life with this person, right now, even if the future holds unknowns?
Capacity for repair
Not fighting isn’t necessarily a good sign. Healthy relationships include conflict, but what matters is how you repair. Can you and your partner navigate disagreements, communicate openly, and reconnect afterward?
Complementary growth trajectory
You don’t have to be finished products. But are you both growing in ways that feel aligned? Are your goals and paths moving in the same direction?
Aligned core value
Preferences and lifestyles can shift, but foundational values like trust, respect, and emotional responsibility are key to long-term compatibility. Are your values aligned or fundamentally different?
How to talk about it with your partner without causing a rupture
When someone you love is ready to move forward and you’re not, it’s easy to fall into one of two extremes: avoiding the topic or blurting out fears in a way that overwhelms your partner. Neither helps. Here’s a therapist-tested framework for navigating the conversation:
Lead with vulnerability
Start with feelings, not logic. Share the emotional complexity without judgment. Try:
- “I want to talk to you about something that’s been hard for me. I love what we have, and I’m also feeling conflicted about getting engaged right now.”
Normalize the complexity
Validate that feelings can be layered and sometimes contradictory. Your hesitation doesn’t mean you’re unsure about the relationship. You can want something and still feel scared.
Naming what’s underneath the hesitation helps your partner move past their own anxiety and hear you more clearly. The issue may be about timing, personal growth, or emotional readiness—not a lack of love.
Invite collaboration
This conversation might bring up sadness, worry, or frustration for your partner, and that’s okay. Frame the conversation as something you’re navigating together. Try:
- “Can we figure this out together?”
- “Can we talk about what being ready looks like for both of us?”
This kind of framing reinforces that you’re on the same team.
Set check-ins
Let your partner know this isn’t a one-time conversation. Ongoing dialogue can reduce anxiety and give both of you room to process and grow. It also breaks the conversation into manageable parts.
Other therapeutic tools to support your process
Here are some clinically grounded tools that can help as you navigate your hesitation:
Journaling prompts
“What does commitment mean to me?”
“What do I fear I’ll lose if I get engaged?”
“What do I fear I’ll lose if I don’t?”
Values inventory
Clarify your top 5 personal values and compare them with your partner’s.
Imagery work
Visualize your life five years from now in two versions: one where you’re married to your partner, and one where you’re not. What emotions come up in each scene?
Couples therapy
A neutral space can help both partners feel heard and deepen mutual understanding. And having an expert in relationships to guide you takes off some of the pressure.
What do I do if I’m never ready?
To be fully honest, sometimes hesitation about engagement is a sign you’re worried about the relationship itself.
If you find yourself continually uncomfortable with the idea of an engagement despite multiple conversations, emotional processing, or time passing, you may need to ask the harder questions: Is this relationship truly right for me? Or do I ever see myself in a marriage?
This kind of questioning isn’t a failure—it’s emotional maturity. It means you’re willing to confront the possibility that love alone may not be enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. Learning to sit with this discomfort is difficult, but it also saves you both from prolonged pain or conflict.
Sometimes, the kindest thing to do is to be clear with compassion. Ending a relationship doesn’t negate its worth. It simply honors the truth that not all love stories are meant to lead to marriage, and that’s okay.
Final Thoughts: An engagement should be a conversation, not a deadline
If your partner is hinting at getting engaged but you’re not ready yet, know this: your ambivalence doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means you’re human.
The key is to approach the topic with curiosity, honesty, and compassion—both for yourself and your partner. By understanding the psychological nuances behind your hesitation, communicating clearly, and using therapeutic tools to explore your feelings, you can navigate this terrain without damaging the foundation you’ve built together.
Engagement is not a race. It’s a mutual, evolving decision between two people who choose each other not just for now but for the long term.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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