Congratulations! You’ve said “yes” to a new chapter in your life—and it may feel like the minute you did, everything moved into warp speed. Suddenly, there’s an urgency to lock in your date before someone else does, book that sought-after photographer, and find the perfect venue. But what happens when a couple pushes pause after saying yes, instead of fast-forwarding? Does it hurt or help the relationship?
Despite what others may say, a long engagement doesn’t mean something is wrong. Intentionally stretching out that in-between phase can be highly beneficial. It can foster deeper understanding, better communication, and, surprisingly, more excitement.
Let’s explore the psychological benefits, financial and legal planning impact, and how a slower engagement pace can set the stage for a more secure and satisfying marriage.
The psychological power of time
In therapy, we often discuss “the space between stimulus and response”—that critical pause where insight lives. If we look at a marriage through that lens, an engagement is the relationship version of that pause: a period when the commitment has been made, but the logistics of building a life are still taking shape. It’s also a golden window for self-awareness and interpersonal growth.
Many couples find that during this phase, patterns once hidden in the bliss of dating begin to surface. A longer engagement gives these dynamics room to emerge and space for the couple to work through them—instead of glossing over issues in a race to the aisle. Resentments around in-laws, differing values about money, or unspoken career expectations all benefit from the daylight a long engagement offers.
Neurobiology and emotional readiness
In the early stages of an engagement, you’re flooded with dopamine and oxytocin—and rightfully so! While you and your partner deserve to fully enjoy the happiness and excitement, it’s also important to recognize that these neurotransmitters can cloud critical thinking. A longer engagement gives your brain time to come down from that initial high and return to full cognitive capacity.
Also, partners can witness each other navigating stress, transitions, and even grief with more time. These aren’t just “tests” of compatibility—they’re essential experiences that deepen emotional resilience. They help partners develop a shared emotional language and build co-regulation skills, which are foundational for lasting intimacy.
Time for real and honest conversations
How else can you use this time? For real and authentic conversations. Whether independently or with the support of a couples therapist, this time can proactively strengthen your relationship. Why wait until after “I do” to address longstanding emotional habits or attachment wounds?
With time on their side, couples can dig into:
- Family of origin dynamics and how they show up in conflict
- Sexual compatibility and expectations
- Career plans and how they intersect with family goals
- Core values, including faith, politics, and lifestyle
These topics don’t get resolved in a few conversations over brunch. They require ongoing dialogue and, more importantly, psychological safety. That kind of safety is often cultivated over time.
If you find yourself saying, “We’ve been talking about these our whole relationship,” that’s great! You’re ahead of the game and have likely built a strong foundation. Still, it’s important to revisit these conversations through the lens of your impending marriage. Ambivalence about things like children may take on new urgency. Validate those shifts and approach them with openness before tying the knot.
Money, marriage, and core values
Let’s talk finances—not just budgets, but what lies underneath. Money is rarely just about numbers. It’s also about identity, autonomy, security, trust, and sometimes trauma. While it may not be the most romantic topic, financial conversations during the engagement period can pay long-term dividends.
A longer engagement allows couples to:
- Understand each other’s financial history and how it informs current behavior
- Set shared goals without panic or pressure
- Explore legal tools like prenups and estate planning thoughtfully
This extra time can ease one of marriage’s biggest stressors: financial uncertainty. Couples can begin these conversations, collaborate, disagree, process, and repair—without a rushed deadline. Let’s be honest: it’s easy to put these discussions off, and a short engagement only validates that avoidance. But it often backfires.
How legal tools can help couples have authentic conversations
If talking about money makes you want to rush to the altar just to avoid the conversation—don’t. Instead, consider adding more structure. For most people, anxiety decreases when there’s a healthy balance of structure and support. Legal tools like prenups and estate planning provide that framework. While these have historically been (wrongly) viewed as red flags, they’re actually signs of maturity and foresight.
A long engagement gives couples time to use these tools with care. Just as you’d write a will to protect your family, a prenup can serve as a blueprint for navigating future challenges. Taking time means you can consult professionals, revise documents, and ensure both partners feel seen and respected.
More time to act in value-based ways
Whether you’ve dreamed of your wedding since childhood or never imagined walking down the aisle, everyone enters engagement with expectations—many shaped by family norms, societal scripts, or cultural timelines. But those expectations may not align with your personal values.
Taking your time allows you to evaluate whether your decisions reflect what matters most. Are you planning a big wedding because you want one, or because you’re afraid of disappointing family? Are you falling into familiar roles around money or chores because that’s what you saw growing up, or because you’ve discussed and agreed on them?
A long engagement gives couples space to pause and ask: Is this choice aligned with the life we want to build? When couples orient around values instead of timelines or traditions, they’re far more likely to build a strong, lasting foundation.
Take the time to learn more about each other in a new life role
Depending on where you are in your relationship maturity, you may need more or less time to transition from partners in love to partners in life. What helps bridge that shift? A strong friendship.
It takes time to build that friendship alongside romantic love:
- Learning each other’s tics, humor, and smile triggers
- Seeing how your partner handles setbacks
- Practicing joint decision-making, big and small
- Navigating holidays, family dynamics, and other social stressors
A strong friendship buffers against future disconnection. The Gottman Institute’s research shows that deep friendship is one of the top predictors of marital success. A long engagement is, in many ways, extended practice in being that kind of friend.
More time, more joy (really!)
You might think a drawn-out engagement would dampen the excitement, but often the opposite is true. Imagine having more time to ease the pressures of wedding planning: deadlines, deposits, seating charts. More time to save for the kind of wedding that fits your values.
More importantly, with those stressors lifted, couples can reconnect with why they wanted to get married in the first place:
- Dreaming together about the future—not just wedding colors
- Planning meaningful rituals rather than rushing through them
- Cultivating anticipation in ways that deepen connection
It’s time to really enjoy one another and get the marriage started off on the right foot!
Final Thoughts: Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and it starts with the engagement
Taking it slow isn’t a red flag—it’s a sign you’re paying attention. A long engagement gives couples time to grow individually and together, to lay the emotional, legal, and logistical groundwork for a healthy marriage, and to shift the focus from performative planning to purposeful preparation.
Most importantly, it signals that you’re not just preparing for a wedding day—you’re preparing for a marriage, one built on clarity, care, and the kind of depth that only time can cultivate. If you’re in a long engagement—or thinking about taking your time—know this: you’re not delaying love. You’re deepening it.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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