At first glance, the topic of writing a spouse out of a will can raise a few eyebrows and elicit wide-eyed reactions. While it’s not exactly dinner-table conversation, life is complicated, relationships—even healthy ones—are dynamic, and you may find yourself facing this overwhelming issue.
The idea of updating your will in a way that removes your spouse can trigger some heavy emotions, and for good reason. This is a significant decision, and your spouse deserves to hear it from you (no matter how tempting it may be to avoid it). And it’s important to understand the legal considerations of doing so. As it pertains to the conversation—there are thoughtful, tactful ways to navigate this conversation without completely imploding your relationship. Let’s break it down into key steps, but let’s be honest–you’ll need to do more than take a deep breath.
Why do people write their spouses out of their wills?
There are several common reasons people decide to remove their spouse from their will. This is not an exhaustive list, but these common scenarios can help validate that you’re not alone!
Everything to the kids
You may feel strongly about ensuring your children are the primary beneficiaries of your estate. This may be due to personal values/desires or financial responsibility. This decision doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse; it just means you are deeply obligated to protect your children’s financial future.
There have been multiple marriages
Maybe you’ve already gone through the legal and financial gymnastics of divorce once (or twice) before, and now you’re more conscientious with your assets. Blended families, stepchildren, and previous financial commitments can make estate planning feel like assembling IKEA furniture without instructions. Given this, you may be protecting your assets for specific family members (like children), given your past experience with the lifespan of a marriage.
Love later in life
If you marry later in life, you may want to separate more of your assets, especially if your spouse has independent financial security. This is particularly true if your estate includes family heirlooms, properties, or businesses predating marriage.
Your reasoning may include one of these, a mixture, or others not noted here. Either way, make sure you…
Identify your own feelings and reasons
Before you sit your spouse down to share the news, take the time to be clear with yourself. Why are you doing this? Don’t discount how important this step is. Without being intentional, discussing it with your spouse is likely to be ten times harder.
Try asking yourself:
- What is my biggest motivation for making this decision?
- Am I worried about how my spouse will respond?
- What is my biggest fear?
- What is the strongest reason for not having this conversation? How do I address this?
- What feelings are coming up? Fear? Guilt? Relief?
As you identify your responses, question yourself. Why do I feel guilty? Is that really my biggest motivator? Which questions make you immediately say, “Because!” or leave you frazzled? The more you know, the more you can prepare for and step into this discussion with a zen-like center (or as close to one as possible).
Hypothesize how your spouse will react
Humans are creatures of prediction. If we can expect something, we tend to handle it better. So, before you break the news, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. What questions will they ask? What do you need to have on hand? (Tissues, their favorite snack, or a comforting blanket might not be a bad idea.)
Some questions to help you hypothesize how they will react:
- Will they feel betrayed?
- Will they understand the logic behind your decision, or will they see it as a rejection?
- Do they have any unspoken expectations about inheritance?
- Do they have financial security outside of your assets?
Common emotional responses can include anger, feeling betrayed, disbelief, suspicion, confusion, fear, and anxiety. These emotional responses can then lead to behaviors such as:
- Intense or frequent questioning
- Bringing up past arguments or conflicts
- Shutting down (e.g., walking away, the silent treatment)
- Yelling, crying, or blaming
- Passive-aggressive comments
- Questioning the health of the marriage
This step (imagining their response) might make you want to back out of the conversation entirely. But don’t lose hope! By preparing for the worst, you’ll likely come out of this with your marriage intact.
Tips on sharing this information with your spouse
The way you introduce this topic is critical. An impulsive or rushed approach can do irreparable harm, but a thoughtful and intentional tack can create understanding (even if it stings at first). Consider the following:
- Choose the right moment: Don’t bring this up during an argument or while your spouse is already stressed. Choose a private, safe space with minimal distractions.
- Be direct but gentle: Clarity is kindness. Avoid vague language. Clear statements like, “I’ve been updating my estate plans, and I want to share with you how I’ve decided to distribute my assets,” clarify where the conversation is going.
- Highlight the ‘whys’: Frame this as a personal decision and emphasize that it isn’t a reflection of your relationship but rather about financial planning.
- Give them space to react: Silence will feel uncomfortable, but allow it. Don’t be afraid to pause and revisit the conversation later if your spouse needs time to process the news.
Using the above tips above should help make sharing this difficult information with your spouse a little bit easier.
Be open to your spouse’s feelings and hold your boundaries
Your spouse will have feelings about this—possibly strong ones. That’s okay. It’s possible to validate their emotions and hold firm in your decision.
- Ask about their emotional reaction: “What are you feeling right now?” and allow them to feel their feelings without problem-solving.
- Use open-ended support: “How can I help?” or “What do you need right now?”
- Regulate your own emotions to avoid escalating conflict.
Use boundary-setting phrases as needed:
- “I hear that this is frustrating for you. I’ve thought a lot about this, which is what I need to do.”
- “I understand that this may be upsetting. I want to share my reasoning and answer all your questions.”
(Strongly) consider expert support
Sometimes, no matter how well you prepare, these conversations can spiral into bigger discussions. That’s where professional support can be invaluable.
- Estate planning attorneys can clarify legal aspects and adequately structure your will.
- Financial advisors can provide a neutral, numbers-driven perspective.
- Therapists or mediators can help if emotions become overwhelming.
Bringing in an expert can take some personal weight off your shoulders. It also signals to your spouse that this isn’t a knee-jerk decision—it’s a carefully considered plan.
Important legal considerations (the spousal elective share)
It’s important to understand that some states have something known as a spousal elective share right, which is where a spouse can elect to take part of your estate, even if you have written them out of the will. This is to avoid accidental omission from wills and also protect spouses that have been purposely written out. However, you can ensure your spouse waives this right and is not allowed to take a portion of your estate. You can do this in a prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement. Or even a standalone document.
Final thoughts
The bottom line is that estate planning is an emotionally taxing process, especially if you are writing a spouse out of the will for whatever reason. Communicating this to your spouse is crucial, and how you go about it is everything. It’s also important to understand the legal implications, such as the spousal elective share, if applicable in your state. Ultimately, estate planning isn’t about who loves whom the most—it’s about ensuring your assets align with your values. And if your spouse truly values you, they’ll respect that—even if it takes them a little time to get there.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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