According to the American Psychological Association, about 40-50% of first marriages and 60-67% of second marriages end in divorce. That means, as adults, we’re not doing well at forming and maintaining relationships. What can help with that? One effective path is couples therapy, also known as marriage therapy or couples counseling. Research backs this up—70% of couples reported positive effects of counseling. Let’s dive into all things marriage therapy and how it may be able to help you.
What is marriage therapy?
Marriage therapy. Couples therapy. Marriage counseling. Couples counseling. They’re all (pretty much) the same thing. Here’s the definition and main focus of marriage therapy: Marriage therapy is when both partners in a marriage (or committed relationship) are treated at the same time by the same therapist. The focus of the therapeutic work is on problems within and between the individuals that affect the relationship.
What marriage therapy is not…
Marriage therapy is often falsely portrayed in movies and stereotypes. Let’s correct some misassumptions to ensure you go into the experience with eyes wide open.
Marriage therapy is not:
- A magic fix. It isn’t a quick-fix solution. You don’t just hop into a few sessions and walk out with all your problems fixed. It takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. The therapist can help, but the real work happens outside the office. After all, it’s still (at most) one hour a week in therapy. That’s 167 hours left in the week.
- One-size-fits-all. What works for one couple doesn’t automatically mean it will work for you. You have to find the therapist and therapy modality that works for you and your relationship.
- Blame game. Don’t go if you’re looking for a place or person to take your side or assign blame “officially.” A therapist will not be a judge or jury; they’re neutral parties to help facilitate conversation, learn new strategies, and resolve conflict.
- A last resort. Couples therapy isn’t only for couples on the brink of divorce. It’s beneficial at any time in a marriage or relationship; it helps build a strong foundation. Think of it as preventative care as well as life-saving methods.
- Substitute for individual therapy. The client in marriage therapy is … the couple. The focus is on you both as you relate to each other and how you move through life together. It’s not to focus on solving individual problems or on each individual’s well-being. If either or both partners need additional time and space to explore individual concerns or issues, being in individual and couples therapy simultaneously may be an option. If that is not doable (because of time or financial constraints), a choice may need to be made on what needs to be focused on first.
- Guaranteed success. Many, many couples experience significant improvement as a result of treatment. Others find that therapy was not effective, not as effective as they wish, or didn’t lead to the outcomes they wanted. Factors like the readiness of both partners to engage in the process, the severity of underlying issues, and external stressors can influence success.
How do we get started with marriage therapy?
If you’re on board and ready to get started with your marriage therapy journey, you may be wondering where to start. Here are some first steps to getting started:
- Assess commitment. Are you and your partner both willing and ready to do this? If not, talk about what is holding one or both of you back.
- Insurance or private pay. If you’d like to go through your insurance first, check to see if they cover couples therapy. If they do, you can get or be directed to in-network providers. If you’re going the private pay route,
- Do a consultation call. Call several providers and get information on how they tend to work (i.e., their “modality), if the “vibes” feel aligned, and if they have openings.
- First session/consultation session. Set up a first session appointment. This is usually an assessment appointment where the therapist will get lots of information and history and share information with you.
- Try. Try again. In therapy, it often takes a few consultation calls or first sessions to find the right fit. Don’t despair! It’s all about the fit.
What to avoid when seeking out marriage therapy
What are things to avoid as you explore marriage therapy? Well, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- A therapist with no couples experience. If a therapist says they do “couples work” but has never worked with couples or has anything in their work experience with couples, then they may not be the best place to start.
- “Sure… but” mentality. In order for this to work, both partners have to be all in. If one person is not willing and dedicated (or both), then it will hinder your progress from the outset.
- Individual + couple therapy with the same therapist. Your couple’s therapist should not also be your individual therapist. They meet with you individually from time to time (and they should be clear why), but it’s a huge red flag if they say they can do both roles without bias.
- Avoiding Difficult Convos. This is the space to address difficult things; it should be safe and supportive. Don’t tiptoe or avoid sensitive topics! Be willing to be uncomfortable. If you and/or your partner can’t, it might not be the time for marriage counseling.
- Not coming back. I’ll tell you right now – there will be times you walk out of a session feeling worse or feeling like you took 3 steps back. That’s normal! What’s important is to come back and continue the work. Or to come back and repair what was broken down in the last session. Therapy is a process – “break” it down and rebuild it better and stronger.
- Believing one size fits all. There is no “right” way of doing marriage therapy. Are there modalities and strategies that have more research backing them up (a.k.a. evidence-based interventions)? Yes. But each couple and situation may need different tweaks.
- If your therapist won’t collaborate. If your marriage therapist is “my way or the highway,” then they’re probably not the best fit. A therapist should be open to feedback, sharing their rationale, and be open to collaborating. That doesn’t mean they should give in to all requests, but they should be able to have an open and honest conversation. Don’t think once a week is right or doable for you? Have a conversation and bring up your concerns and questions!
IRL or online marriage therapy?
Thanks to technology, you can choose how you want to meet with your marriage therapist—in person at an office or online through telehealth portals. For some, a hybrid model works great! Online therapy can be helpful for those who have busy lives and need the benefits of convenience. However, some people prefer to speak face-to-face with a therapist. It’s up to you! The best method is the method that gets you in front of a therapist.
Here’s the TLDR on marriage therapy
Marriage therapy, or couples therapy, can be a powerful and useful tool in overcoming challenges in a relationship or just strengthening a relationship. While it’s not a quick fix, it’s worth it – by putting in the work, you will both walk out with more understanding, resolutions, and effective strategies. However, success will hinge on your commitment, realistic expectations, and finding the right therapist. Embrace the process and make the marriage journey a little easier.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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