Have you ever tried to give your son or daughter marriage advice, and they got completely upset and shut down?! It’s not uncommon! Giving advice is an age-old tradition; it transcends geographical boundaries, cultures, and languages. Giving marriage advice can be tricky since it can be seen as challenging the autonomy of the person receiving it. However, when it’s done well, marriage advice can be much-needed guidance and support. So, how can you offer marriage advice without crossing the line? Let’s dive in.
Consider cultural norms
How advice is given and received completely changes based on cultural models of social relationships. In other words, each culture has its own ways of giving advice, when it’s appropriate, who can give it, and how to receive it. To make things more complicated? If the giver and the receiver of the advice are from different cultures. That just increases the chances of miscommunication and misunderstandings.
Before sharing any advice, consider:
- Your cultural background + the couple’s cultural background.
- Whether you fully understand the cultural norms and values of the couple. If not, consider learning a little more before giving your advice.
- Modifying the language you use or the way you frame your advice.
- Any biases you might have that are informed by your culture?
- If your views come from the “dominant” culture, how may this impact a couple not from that culture?
Why do you want to give marital advice?
Now, no shade meant! The intention of this is to reflect on your motivation(s). Pausing to explore what drives our behaviors is an underutilized practice, so take a minute and ask yourself why you want or need to give this advice. Not sure? Here are a few common reasons people tend to give advice:
- You’re worried: From your vantage point, you see something that worries you for one or both partners. Giving advice may help the couple decrease their worry level.
- You want them to be happy: You love and care for this couple, and you see something that (you believe) can make them happier.
- You want to protect them: Maybe you went through something similar and want to save them from heartache or hardship. You truly believe your advice can help protect one or both partners from pain.
- You want to make an impact: You enjoy helping others and sharing your knowledge and experiences with others.
- You want to feel connected: Giving advice = supporting others = feeling connected. Giving advice can help us feel connected to people we love.
- You want to feel needed: Advice giving can give us a purpose and a feeling of accomplishment.
- You don’t agree with [xyz]: You may not agree with one or both partners’ actions/thoughts/beliefs and want to share your advice on those topics.
Remember, it can be more than one thing that’s motivating you. Just be sure your advice is not to impose your views or something that only benefits you personally.
How to successfully give marital advice
Alright, do you still feel this advice needs to be given? Let’s walk through ways to ensure your success.
Look at the situation from their POV
Prepare yourself to give the advice by taking a moment to imagine the situation from the couple’s perspective.
- Assess your relationship: Ensure your own relationship is in a solid place before doling out advice. Yes, you could argue that your advice is still sound and useful even if your own relationship is in the… toilet… but from the couple’s POV, it makes you a less reliable source for advice.
- Assess your relationship with the couple: How would you describe it? Solid? Close? Strained? Your relationship will dictate how open the couple is to hearing the advice.
Choosing the right moment
Timing is everything. When you provide the advice, it makes a huge difference (can you imagine getting advice as you’re wrangling a bunch of littles into a car?!).
- Wait for the right time: Don’t rush it. Find a time when the couple (or the specific partner) is relaxed, not distracted, and in a comfortable environment. I highly recommend avoiding public places as well!
- Get the couple’s buy-in: Advice is received so much better when you have permission to give it. They may not agree or act on the advice, but if you explicitly ask them (or at least warn them of what you’re doing), they can know what to expect. Try something like, “I have some experience with this; can I share a little about my thoughts?”
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- Pro Tip: Respect the couple’s decision. If they say “No” and you proceed, it won’t end well.
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- Be mindful: Despite the bullet points above, if the couple or individual is going through a stressful time, they may not be in the mindset for advice, no matter what; support and a listening ear may need to be the first step.
- Wait for them to ask: Sometimes, no matter how good the advice, it can only be helpful when it’s asked for. Depending on the situation or couple, you might want to have your advice handy and only share it when one or both partners ask you.
How to make your advice heard
We all know how you say something is just as important (or even more so) than what you’re saying.
- Use “I” Statements: “I” statements are a truly effective communication tool, even if they feel weird to use initially. An example? Saying, “I’m worried when I see ignoring between couples” vs. “You need to communicate better and stop ignoring each other”
- Share the Good & the Bad: Don’t focus only on what needs to change; weave in what’s working or what can be leveraged to make positive changes. For example, something like, “You both are so good at showing physical affection. If you’re working on sharing your feelings more, maybe ask how each other feels whenever you hug each other?”
- Fight the urge to lecture: Just. don’t. do. it. Advice is offering your suggestions and insights, while lecturing is telling someone else what to do and what they’re doing wrong. Focus on this being a conversation – collaborating, being open to suggestions, and considering different viewpoints. More “Have you tried [advice]? If you have, was it helpful or not?” and less of “You should do [advice].”
- Be practical: If you’re going to give advice, give good advice. Be specific and realistic. The more actionable and specific to the couple, the better! General advice like “Be more open with each other!” is overwhelming and likely to do more harm than good. Try “Try setting a set time to hear about each other’s day every day,” or “Share with each other how you’re feeling every morning” are easier to try.
Try to see both sides
If possible, share the advice with both partners at the same time. This will prevent the discussion from becoming a game of telephone (“Well, she said we should…”) and decrease the chance that one partner feels singled out. Don’t play favorites (even if you have one). Recognize that both people maintain and exacerbate a relationship dynamic. Speaking to both partners’ perspectives will help promote understanding and make the advice more likely to be heard. Phrases like “This must be hard for you both” or “I can see how you each feel that way” are powerful ways to validate both partners.
Bonus advice
Here are a few more tips on getting your marital advice to stick and not come across as judgmental or pushy.
- Use stories and anecdotes: Personal experiences and stories can be less intrusive than direct advice. For instance, you can share, “So, the last time my in-laws drove me nuts, Jordan did something new we agreed on – he sent me to take a long bath, and it helped so much! Would something like that be helpful?” You’re sharing your experience, validating they’re not alone, and providing a potential solution.
- Share resources: Need an even more indirect approach? Try sharing your advice through resources. Suggest books, articles, workshops, support groups, or counseling services. These can help set them along the same path your advice would have, and they can explore themselves. Books like “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sur Johnson or “The Five Love Languages” By Gary Chapman can share the same advice without it looking like you’re interfering.
- Don’t take it personally: If they reject your advice, it may feel like they’re rejecting you. But try your hardest to separate the two!
- Press pause: If your advice isn’t being received well or is causing tension, don’t take it personally and take a step back. One of the worst things you can do is double down on your advice; pushing harder will only accomplish the opposite of what you want.
- Know when you’re over your head: In giving advice and subsequent conversations, you may find yourself with information you’re not prepared to support the couple with. At this point, encourage professional support. Consider:
Final thoughts on giving marriage advice
Providing any sort of advice is a nuanced process, and when it concerns a person’s marriage, it requires even more tact and compassion. First and foremost, make sure your advice is primarily for the benefit of the couple (not you, not their friends/family, and not for the greater good of the world…). From there, strategies like finding the right timing, using “I” statements and personal experiences, and pulling in resources will up the chances that your advice is received well. Remember, at the end of the day, the goal is to empower the couple to strengthen their relationship, in whatever way they decide is best. But that doesn’t mean we can’t help along the way!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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