Marriage is an exciting milestone, not just for the couple but also for their families. The more the merrier, right?! As you all settle into your new family roles, you may run into bumps in the road. Getting to know each other, finding your rhythm, and melding different family traditions takes time. Some parents may find themselves in the position of…let’s say, wanting to help their child “fly” more now that they are married. If you find yourself in that position, this article is for you. We’ll discuss some strategies for you to consider to encourage your child’s independence and foster a new, healthy relationship in this new chapter of life.
First and foremost, be compassionate to yourself and those around you
Before you try anything, a reminder to hold compassion for yourself and everyone else involved (e.g., your spouse, your child, your child’s spouse). Changing and evolving family dynamics are not easy. In fact, 40% of families in the US will seek therapeutic support at some point. So, give yourself grace when things don’t change right away. It will be a “one step forward, two steps back” sorta thing, and that’s normal!
Here are a few tips to increase self-compassion:
- Combat any harsh self-talk by imagining what you would tell your best friend in this situation
- Change your way of speaking to yourself
- Take a self-compassion break
- Start a self-compassion journal
- Take a moment to recenter yourself with mindfulness exercises
Be clear on your expectations of your child
Enjoy having your child come over for Sunday dinner and sending them home with meals for the week? Doesn’t need to change. Want to help your child take charge of their medical health (e.g., getting medical insurance, making appointments, picking up medications)? Great, focus on that!
Take a moment and consider:
- How do you define independence?
- What specifically do you want to change?
- What do you not mind?
When you know what you’d like your child to do more of, you can examine why your child isn’t doing that now. It might be they:
- Don’t have the needed knowledge or skills
- Never had the opportunity to do so
- Couldn’t (or can’t) financially
- Don’t want to
- Have been told explicitly not to do it
What role have you played in maintaining this? This isn’t to blame you – it’s to be curious about how you can help encourage more independence from your child.
Talk about your feelings and wishes for your child with your child
Being clear with your child is one of the kindest things you can do. Talking to them about:
- What you’re trying to achieve
- How you’ll try to do it
- Why you’re doing it
Intentionally create a space for a conversation. Pull them into the process by asking, “What do you want to be more equipped to do on your own?” Incorporating your child’s goals makes it a collaborative process, and less likely they feel like you’re just pushing them out of the nest! Other things you can include are:
- Asking if your child has any questions
- Inquire how this makes them feel
- Scheduling future chats to check in
It may feel odd to schedule or have these conversations with your child, but the clarity they provide is invaluable. By decreasing the chances of miscommunication, you’re increasing the probability of success!
General dos and don’ts
While each situation will differ, here are some general dos and don’ts regarding helping your child fly the nest.
The do’s
- Respect Their Boundaries: One of the best ways to help encourage your child and their spouse to be independent is to recognize the boundaries they set as they form a new unit. Set your own boundaries and share them as well.
- Be consistent: The worst thing anyone can do when trying to develop new behaviors is to be inconsistent. Yes, setbacks and falling back into old habits are real. And being inconsistent sends a mixed message. For example, can you imagine someone telling you to pay rent, but then every month they waive it? It’s not going to make you all that motivated to pay or even expect that you need to pay.
- Encourage decision-making: Support your child in making their own decisions, whether about finances, living arrangements, or career choices. Support them, but be careful not to make decisions for them. For example, help them create a pros/cons list or have them share their thinking aloud rather than telling them what you would do.
- Discuss finances openly: Have a conversation with your child before and during marriage about financial independence and management. Be clear about what, if any, financial support will continue, for how long, and in what manner (e.g., financial amount, continued medical insurance coverage, allowance). Help support their financial literacy through resources like this.
- Be a supportive listener: Offer emotional support as a sounding board without being an active player. Listening can often be the best support for another person, and taking a more passive role helps encourage your child to be more independent. They’ll still identify you as an emotional support but won’t use you as a crutch to take charge of their lives.
- Set goals together: Encourage your child to set personal and mutual goals with their spouse to help foster a stronger sense of partnership and independence. Also, collaborate with your child to set goals in a transition to hand over more responsibilities to your child.
- Pull in your child-in-law: To help encourage your child’s independence, you’ll need to show them that you’re not their only support system. Build a positive relationship with your child’s spouse, and include them in the conversations. Is your child always coming to you for advice? Help them build a new habit of asking their partner for support by using questions like, “What does [child-in-law’s name] think about this?” or “I think [child-in-law’s name] would be a great person to talk to about this.”
The don’ts
- Don’t give unsolicited advice: To help build your child’s independence, they need the opportunities to flounder a bit. Unless it’s life or death, only provide advice if your child asks for it. Trust in them (and yourself) that they have the ability to navigate their own challenges and learn from them.
- Don’t anticipate their needs: As parents, we’ve spent our children’s lifetime identifying, anticipating, and fulfilling their needs. So, it’s time to hand the baton to them! If you’re thinking, “But this is how I show love!” Don’t worry—you can still show love through acts of service. Just try to hold off on doing so until your child asks. Again, this provides them with the opportunity to begin identifying their needs, planning/organizing and requesting.
- Don’t solve their problems: Noticing a theme? Yup, you guessed it– solving their problems is robbing them of the opportunity to learn new skills and build confidence in themselves. Promote problem-solving skills by providing resources and expressing your trust in them! It’s better to teach them how to fish than to provide the fish (or you’ll be doing it forever!)
- Don’t shy away from conflict: Change is never easy, but avoiding tough conversations is just kicking the proverbial can down the road. Build up your conflict resolution skills and foster healthy communication with your child. Validate each other’s (differing) opinions and feelings. Take breaks to avoid saying hurtful things and use tools like “I statements” to communicate more effectively.
- Don’t be closed off to different paths: As part of your child’s independence comes an emerging sense of autonomy. Don’t be afraid that your child will take a different life path than what you took or believe is best for them. Whether it’s career moves or starting a family (or not starting one), respect their choices and support them in their journey.
- Don’t stop talking: Independence doesn’t equate to cutting off your child. You can encourage independence while remaining a strong and active part of their life. Maintain open lines of communication. Check in on them and let them know you’re there if they really need you.
- Don’t be afraid to be sad or scared for your child: If you’re reading this article, you want to encourage more independence in your adult child. And they will always be your child. No matter how old they may get, it’s normal to hate seeing them struggling or in pain. The challenge will be to sit with your emotions as they (appropriately) struggle. Learn how to manage your own feelings of sadness or worry so you can continue to be a strong support for them.
- Don’t forget to celebrate achievements: This sh*t is hard. So celebrate any and all wins! While everyone may have different opinions about participation trophies, this is not one of those times to be stingy with the praise. Praise, when sincere, has been used to motivate behavioral change. So, help your kid continue to become more independent by enjoying the fruits of your labor. Pro tip: Be specific in your praise. “I’m proud of you for creating a yearly budget” works much better than “I’m proud of you.”
Takeaways
As your child embarks on a new chapter in their life, it’s a natural time to encourage their independence. Taking time to achieve clarity on exactly how you define “independence” will be crucial in having a clear, honest, and compassionate conversation with your child. This will help your child (and maybe yourself) reframe the situation to see this as an opportunity to build a new relationship dynamic, one where you are still involved and supportive, but help your child build the resilience and skills to take on life themselves. Hold firm to your intentions and, with time, enjoy watching them flourish on their own!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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