Getting engaged is thrilling. You’re choosing your partner, celebrating your commitment, and envisioning the life you’ll build together. But engagement isn’t just about planning the wedding—it’s also a chance to prepare for the marriage itself: learning how to navigate differences, stressors, and the logistics of daily life.
Premarital counseling gives couples a space to do exactly that. It surfaces topics that might otherwise feel awkward, slows the pace so deeper conversations can happen, and helps partners explore the issues that can either strengthen or strain a marriage.
Research shows that couples who participate in premarital counseling report higher satisfaction, lower conflict, and lower rates of divorce. In other words, it’s an investment in the resilience of your relationship.
In this article, we’ll review some of the most common premarital counseling topics, why they matter, and what to consider when choosing a counselor who’s the right fit for you.
Money matters: saving, spending, and security
Few things create more stress in marriages than money. Not because one partner is careless or greedy, but because finances carry deep emotional weight. A “budget conversation” is never just about numbers; it’s also about values (like security and independence), culture, and past experiences.
In premarital counseling, couples explore:
- Spending habits: Is one partner a saver while the other spends more freely? How will you navigate this?
- Debt and credit: Are there student loans, credit cards, or financial obligations? What is individual and joint responsibility? How does this work into your couple goals?
- Joint vs. separate accounts: What feels fair and sustainable? How do you feel about each (e.g., fears it may trigger?).
- Financial goals: Do you want to buy a house, travel, or invest aggressively? How do you plan to get there together?
Counselors will create a safe space for these conversations, enabling participants to share diverse perspectives and collaborate to find solutions. The work may also include drafting sample budgets and discussing other financial tools, such as a prenuptial agreement. Talking about it now can prevent resentment and stress later.
Family and in-law dynamics
When you marry someone, you also marry their family. Premarital counseling often highlights:
- Boundaries with parents and in-laws: How much influence will families have on your decisions? What is considered a norm in your relationship with your parents, and does this align with your partner’s experience?
- Cultural and religious traditions: Which ones will you keep, blend, or release? How will this land with your extended family, and how will you support each other in your decisions?
- Expectations for time together: How often do you want or are expected to spend time with extended family members? Weekly dinners? Holidays? Vacations? How will you decide between events that occur at the same time?
- Have you had any past conflicts or disagreements that were not resolved? How will you address or carry that into the marriage?
Many couples don’t anticipate how different their family cultures are until something like Thanksgiving rolls around. Having conversations early on help you stay on the same page to support each other as you form a new extension to the family.
Conflict styles and repair attempts
Conflict isn’t (an immediate) sign of incompatibility; it’s usually just a sign that you’re human. That you have feelings and aren’t immune to them or how they may influence your actions.
What has been seen over and over again, is not whether you and your spouse fight, but how you fight and how you repair. So, premarital counseling explores:
- Conflict styles: When tensions rise, how do you each respond? Do you need time to process, pull away, shut down, get defensive, and need to explore, or go on the offensive and push harder? How do each of your styles interact with one another? Where do these patterns & responses come from, and what may be healthier ways to disagree?
- Triggers: Are there specific words, tones, or behaviors that set you off? Where does this come from, and have you shared with that with your spouse?
- Repair rituals: How do you reconnect after a fight? How would you each want fix things after? What makes it hard?
These aren’t always easy things to notice or talk about, even with someone you love. Having an unbiased third party to gently guide the conversation can be invaluable.
Roles, responsibilities, and expectations
Fairness is a common trigger for most people; it’s ingrained in us that it’s one of those ideals to reach for. And, in marriage, this can unintentionally set couples up for trouble. Each partner may not realize that their vision of fairness isn’t the same as the others. Premarital counseling unpacks:
- Division of household labor: Who does dishes, laundry, cooking, or cleaning? Who is in charge of the bills, call the plumber or landscaping? And how and why did you decide to divide the responsibilities in that way?
- Gender role expectations: What do you each expect of each other? How much of this is informed by society’s, your family or culture’s beliefs? How does this make your spouse feel?
- Career priorities: How will you navigate long hours, relocations, or caregiving responsibilities? How do these fit into your priorities—both as individuals and as a couple? And what boundaries would you want to set to protect your marriage from being overshadowed by work?
These conversations aren’t about perfection—they’re about clarity. Unspoken assumptions are where resentment grows. Talking through them now not only lays a stronger foundation for marriage but also helps you practice the kind of open dialogue that will sustain your relationship over time.
Intimacy and sexual connection
Sex and intimacy are both important parts of a marriage, yet they can be difficult to talk about openly. Avoiding these conversations can create space for misunderstandings and conflicts to build over time. Premarital counseling helps normalize conversations about:
- Frequency and desire: How would you describe your sexual drive? What level is “needed” and “wanted” for each of you? How has that changed over your life and your time together?
- Past experiences: Are there traumas, insecurities, or histories that shape your comfort? What have you felt comfortable and uncomfortable with?
- Physical affection outside sex: What other physical actions help you to remain connected and intimate with each other? Hugs, hand-holding, kissing? When and where do you feel comfortable with these?
Therapists also normalize the reality that desire ebbs and flows across a long-term relationship. Learning how to talk about it early sets a precedent that sexual intimacy can be an ongoing conversation, not a taboo subject.
Parenting philosophies and timelines
Even if kids aren’t on your immediate radar, they’re worth discussing. Premarital counseling encourages couples to explore:
- Desire for children: Do both partners want them? What are the hesitations? What does each of your ideal scenarios be?
- Parenting styles: Are you strict, permissive, or somewhere in the middle? How did each of your parents’ parent? Did you agree with that or are you determined to do it differently?
- Division of childcare: How will responsibilities be shared? Even if you’re not sure about children, if you were, how do you each see it? Who stays home when a kiddo is sick?
- Fertility concerns: Are there medical or logistical factors to consider? Medical conditions, family history?
These conversations may feel like borrowing trouble, but the impact of these decisions is too significant to ignore. Talking about them now gives you both a chance to share where you’re coming from—and reduces the risk of painful misunderstandings later on.
Religion & spirituality
While love may have brought you together, shared meaning and aligned values sustain you. For many, religion and/or spirituality hold a strong value for many people. Premarital counseling explores:
- Faith practices: How do you describe your faith? Will you attend services? How often? Do you expect or want your spouse to go with you?
- Interfaith considerations: If you come from different traditions, how will you blend them? How do you each feel about that? How do extended family members fall into this plan?
- Raising children: Will kids be exposed to one faith, both, or neither? How will you hold boundaries with outside forces (e.g., family members)?
- Core values: Beyond religion, what principles anchor your life—kindness, service, achievement, creativity?
These conversations often move beyond religion into the “why” behind choices, offering couples a shared compass for life.
Stress management and coping
Every marriage will face stressors—job loss, illness, parenting challenges, and financial strain. The question isn’t whether stress will arrive, but how you’ll handle it together. Counseling may cover:
- Individual coping styles: Do you turn to exercise, seek social support, or internalize stress? When does it help, and when does it start to create other problems?
- Shared rituals for stress relief: Date nights, walks, weekend getaways. What works well, and how can you each initiate it as needed?
- How you support each other in crisis: What feels most helpful—advice, presence, space? What doesn’t help?
Couples who can identify stress signals early—and lean into healthy coping strategies—are more resilient when life throws curveballs.
What to look for in a premarital counselor
Not all premarital counseling is the same. The right fit can make the difference between sessions that feel like checking boxes versus conversations that change how you see each other. Here’s what to keep in mind:
Look for evidence-based modalities.
A skilled counselor will employ approaches grounded in research, rather than relying on generic advice. Methods like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method have decades of evidence behind them, helping couples improve communication, manage conflict, and build stronger bonds.
Pay attention to the therapist–couple match.
Even the best therapist on paper won’t be helpful if the style doesn’t click with you and your partner. Some counselors are structured and directive, while others are warm and exploratory. Have consultation calls with them so you can experience their style, and be open to meeting with 2-3 therapists to find a good match. Trust your gut—if you don’t feel understood or safe, it’s okay to find someone else.
Decide between telehealth and in-person.
With technology, you have more options! In-person sessions can create a sense of ritual and focus, while telehealth offers flexibility, making it easier for busy couples to stay consistent. Consider your schedules, comfort levels, and what makes it easiest for you both to attend sessions.
Clarify payment and insurance.
Premarital counseling can be covered by insurance in some cases, but often it’s an out-of-pocket investment. Private pay may give you more freedom in choosing your provider, while insurance can help with affordability. Don’t hesitate to ask upfront about fees, coverage, and packages—financial transparency with your therapist is just as important as with your partner.
Final thoughts: Starting marriage with clarity and connection
Premarital counseling is preventative medicine and focused on building a stronger foundation as you embark on the next phase of your life together.
These conversations—about money, family, conflict, intimacy, parenting, faith, and stress—don’t remove all future challenges. But they do make it more likely you’ll face those challenges with teamwork, empathy, and intention.
So, if you’re engaged or considering marriage, see premarital counseling as an investment. It’s the space to slow down, talk deeply, and build the kind of marriage that’s rooted in understanding and resilience.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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