You’ve decided that marriage is not for you (right now or ever), and you’ve met a compatible partner on the same page. You’re settled into life, happy, and then… your partner casually brings up that “we should get a cohabitation agreement.”
Your mind explodes with thoughts, especially worries: Are we breaking up? Is this about money? What’s in this agreement?! Understanding the why behind your partner’s desire for a cohabitation agreement is important to combat the emotional reactions that can overwhelm you.
So, let’s explore common reasons a partner may want a cohabitation agreement.
What is a cohabitation agreement, and why do couples use it?
Before we unpack the common reasons for initiating a cohabitation agreement, let’s ensure you have the information about it. A cohabitation agreement is a written contract between unmarried partners who live together. It outlines each person’s rights, responsibilities, and what happens if the relationship ends—by breakup, death, or major change. Unlike marriage, where default legal protections apply, cohabiting couples aren’t automatically granted rights around shared property, debt, or financial support. A cohabitation agreement helps to fill in those legal blanks.
Common reasons for a cohabitation agreement
Let’s talk about why people often decide to get a cohabitation agreement and what the goal is when signing one.
Your partner is a planner
Is your partner the type of person who already knows where you’ll stay on your next vacation, down to the Airbnb password? Do they have a folder for retirement goals and one for pet insurance quotes? Your partner might just be a planner. And if so, a cohabitation agreement is likely their version of being proactive, not pessimistic.
They probably don’t see it as a sign that your relationship will fail, but as part of a bigger, thoughtful plan. They know life is unpredictable—job changes, housing markets, health issues—and want to plan for those unknowns intentionally. Like life insurance or estate planning, this is one more way to show love by thinking ahead.
Past (messy) relationships
Maybe your partner has been through a breakup or divorce where the fallout was more about logistics than emotions—think furniture standoffs, lease drama, or surprise debts. Or maybe they’ve seen your friends (married or otherwise) go through financial and emotional chaos because no one thought to plan.
Wanting a cohabitation agreement might come from a place of learned wisdom, not fear. It’s not that they think your relationship is fragile, but they may understand that all relationships are subject to stress. They may be trying to protect you from unnecessary damage should the unexpected happen.
Your partner understands legal reality
Here’s a not-so-fun fact: In most states, cohabiting couples have very few legal protections, even if they’ve lived together for years or contributed equally to shared expenses. If one of you leaves—or passes away—the other could be left in a legal grey zone with zero to little recourse. Given that, your partner may want to take back some of the control for you both.
A desire for financial transparency
Does your partner get nervous around vague talk about “splitting things later”? Money is one of the top reasons couples fight, and not only because of the money itself but also because of the assumptions attached to it. A cohabitation agreement creates a structure for conversations like:
- Who pays for what?
- How are we dividing major purchases?
- What if one person earns significantly more?
- What happens if one of us wants to quit their job or go back to school?
For some people, getting that down on paper isn’t cold—it’s comforting. It turns vague expectations into shared agreements, decreasing everyday anxiety.
They want to protect you both
Your partner might want a cohabitation agreement to protect you, not just themselves. Maybe you’re the one who’s not on the lease. Or you’ve paused your career to support their startup. Or you’ve invested in furniture, helped with renovations, or cared for a pet together. A good cohabitation agreement can make sure you’re not left vulnerable if the relationship ends unexpectedly.
Family conflicts over money
For some people, financial planning is a trauma-informed behavior. In other words, based on their past experiences, they have formed adaptive behavior patterns to protect themselves. For individuals who may have grown up in a household where money was a constant source of stress and led to fights, power struggles, or estrangement, clear expectations may be a strong value for them, and it is one way to incorporate that into their lives.
Suggesting a cohabitation agreement may also be their way of managing their (valid) anxiety. It’s less about this specific relationship and more about repairing patterns they’ve seen or lived through.
Your partner is big on boundaries
Does your partner believe in therapy, personal growth, or challenging conversations? Are they someone who sees emotional boundaries as a form of respect, not distance?
This might be another expression of that. A cohabitation agreement can also be a boundary-setting tool—it defines who brings what into the relationship, how you’ll share responsibilities day-to-day, and what fairness looks like to both of you. To be clear, a boundary does not need to be a wall in the relationship. Instead, think of it like a blueprint that incorporates each of your needs and requests.
Upcoming financial changes
Is your partner starting a new job, launching a business, or expecting a financial shift? A cohabitation agreement might be their way of planning for that. Significant financial changes can add complexity. Your partner may want to get ahead with clear expectations about money, risk, and shared responsibilities. This is not a red flag—it’s responsible planning.
Pressure from children
Sometimes, older couples with children from previous relationships are pressured or urged by their children to enter into cohabitation agreements. Maybe their children genuinely want their parents to be protected, or maybe they are attempting to protect their own future inheritance. Either way, the desire for a cohabitation agreement may stem from the children of either partner.
Final Thoughts: Common reasons for a cohabitation agreement
If your partner brings up the idea of a cohabitation agreement, it can be easy to interpret it through the lens of fear, mistrust, or suspicion. But often, the actual reason is less about the relationship and more about the unpredictability of life. It’s also often about protecting the relationship from preventable conflict, stress, and legal ambiguity.
So, instead of seeing a cohabitation agreement as a red flag, consider reframing it as a relationship-strengthening tool—one that focuses on clarity, respect, and shared values. Life is unpredictable, but how you both prepare for it can be one of the most meaningful ways to support each other.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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