Did you know text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships? Even though sometimes texting can get a bad rap, it’s actually such a powerful tool for maintaining connections with loved ones. Don’t think of text as a replacement for other methods of communication; think about it as another way to communicate with your partner. Let’s dive in and up your text game!
Pros and cons of texting in a relationship
So, yes, texting has its pros and cons. (What doesn’t?!) However, the best way to use text messaging effectively is to understand its pitfalls and benefits. Let’s discuss the good and bad of texting.
Pros of texting
- Big impact, small package: A short message can still make a big impact. A quick check-in or a meme received on a busy day shows your partner you’re thinking about them.
- Convenience: Long-distance, busy schedules, no privacy for phone calls… texting is one of the most convenient ways to stay in touch with your partner.
- Conflict diffusion: Texting allows you time to word, re-word, or re-read your writing to prevent more… impulsive reactions.
Cons of texting
- Tone: Without body language or verbal cues (like tone, speed, or volume), a message can be more easily misinterpreted. People may also read a message quickly and miss nuances or keywords.
- Waiting game: While convenient, the asynchronous nature of texting means you don’t always know when your partner reads your message. Did they read and not reply? Or they haven’t read it yet? These delays can heighten your anxiety or frustration.
- Over-reliance: While we’re saying texting isn’t a replacement for other communication, becoming too reliant on texting can be easy. Replacing face-to-face conversation with texts, intentionally or not, is detrimental to a relationship.
- Staying on the surface: Texting can make it harder or less likely to have more authentic conversations. Whether it feels awkward or too much work to type out, factors make people less likely to dive into deeper convos.
- Privacy: While it’s likely your text conversations are private, texts are more vulnerable to nearby people seeing (accidentally or otherwise).
What and when not to text
So, when should you save a conversation for face-to-face or a phone call? Situations that benefit from a synchronous nature and need more context from verbal and facial cues should not be done over texts. Here are a few of the big ones:
- Major conflicts: Issues that have a huge impact on the relationship (e.g., events that break trust, big life changes) should be done in person. Text has too many opportunities to be misunderstood on both sides, adding complexity to an already difficult situation.
- Breakup or ultimatums: While it may be tempting to do these over texts, for the best chance of an amicable parting, aim to do these in person or at least over the phone.
- Sarcastic or dry humor: Without the color of your tone and body language, these comments tend to land poorly; they can often be misconstrued or misunderstood and escalate into fights.
- Sensitive topics: Try avoiding anything that can be potentially hurtful, such as talking about a partner’s insecurities or sharing criticism (constructive or otherwise). Also, consider topics (like your partner’s family) that may trigger a protectiveness or that your partner is more sensitive to.
- Too much: Has your text turned into a novel? Did you need a break while writing it? If so, that may be a sign texting is not the right medium.
75 text message conversation starters
Not sure what to text or need some new convo starters? Get inspiration here! As with anything, take into account what you know about yourself and your partner to choose appropriate ones. If something comes out of the conversation that text isn’t able to handle, don’t be afraid to move the conversation to a more appropriate time or method (e.g., call or in person).
Deep and meaningful
- What’s a life goal you haven’t shared with me yet?
- What’s your happiest memory from childhood?
- If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?
- What’s a heartbreak in your life?
- How do you envision our life together 10 years from now?
- What’s something you’ve learned recently that changed your perspective?
- What’s a value you hold strongly right now?
- How do you define success for yourself?
- What’s a few you’ve never told anyone?
- What’s stressing you out right now?
- What would you do with your life if money wasn’t an issue?
- What is one of your greatest fears?
- What do people tend to misunderstand about you?
- What do you wish you could have told [an important person in their lives who is no longer here]?
Fun and lighthearted
- What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
- What’s a food you hate that most people like/love?
- What’s your guilty pleasure TV show or movie?
- If we were in a movie, what genre would it be?
- If you had to eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- What superpower would you want?
- If you could travel to a time period in history, which would it be?
- What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever eaten?
- What’s a secret talent you have that I don’t know about?
- If you could master any skill instantly, what would it be?
- If we won the lottery, what would be the first thing you buy for yourself?
- What’s your favorite way to spend a lazy Sunday?
- If we were animals, what would you choose for yourself and me?
- If we invented a holiday, what would we celebrate?
- Best meal you ever had?
Future plans and aspirations
- Dream vacation?
- What’s a five-year goal/dream?
- If we could live anywhere else in the world, where would it be?
- What kind of house do you imagine us in?
- Do you want to stay in the same career, or do you see yourself doing something different?
- What are three things you want to do before [age]?
- What is something you want to do before this year ends?
- What’s something on your bucket list we could do together?
- What do you imagine our retirement would look like?
- If we could be known for one thing, what would that be?
- Imagine you’re at your 89th bday party – what do you hope people will say about you?
- Is there something you want to change about our lives?
Romantic and flirty
- What was the first thing that caught your eye when we started dating?
- What’s the most romantic thing someone has done for you?
- What’s your idea of a perfect date night?
- What do you wish we did more of together?
- What’s something that I/we do that always makes you smile?
- Free weekend (no kids/work/stress) what would we do?
- What’s your favorite way to spend time together?
- What’s the best surprise you’ve ever gotten?
- Best memory of us together?
- What’s a small thing that could make your day better?
Reflective and thought-provoking
- What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned so far in life?
- What keeps you up at night?
- What is one thing you’ve given up trying to control?
- What’s a belief you held as a child that you no longer hold?
- What do you think is the key to happiness?
- Who has had the biggest impact on your life so far?
- What is one thing you would tell your teenage self?
- When was the last “fork in the road” for you?
- If you could fast-forward, rewind, or pause life right now, what would you choose and why?
- What’s something you’ve always wanted to ask me but haven’t?
Appreciation and love
- I love that you…
- Thank you for…
- My favorite memory of us is…
- If I could describe you in three words, they would be…
- What’s one positive thing you’ve learned from our relationship?
- One thing I’ve learned from you…
- I never started going [positive habit] until I met you.
- I didn’t think I would ever [positive event] until I met you.
- When you’re away, I miss…
Daily fun
- High and low of the day?
- What are you thinking right now?
- Send a silly face selfie [send one yourself]
- Send a meme. Yes, a meme is not actually a text, but sometimes a meme can say a thousand words.
- Send an old picture of you and your partner to elicit a sense of nostalgia.
Final thoughts
Due to its casual form, texting can get a bad rap, but it can also be a powerful tool for communication. When thoughtfully used, it can help you and your partner maintain and deepen your relationship in unexpected ways. Quick, convenient check-ins, playful banter, and even moments of emotional support can all be done via text. However, it’s essential to understand the limits of texting, like potential misunderstandings due to lack of speech tone or over-reliance on texting instead of face-to-face conversations.
Be mindful of when and how you text, and you can enhance your connection without falling into the common pitfalls. Not sure how what to text your partner or need some new ideas instead of, “What should we have for dinner?” Then the 75 conversations starters in this article are a great place to start. From fun and lighthearted to deep and thought-provokign, these starters will help you foster both connection and intimacy. Leverage texting to it’s full capability, and keep your relationship strong!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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