Arguments are a normal part of a healthy relationship, and I encourage my clients to learn how to argue well. Disagreements can arise from misunderstandings, different perspectives, or other past (unresolved) issues. The key is navigating disagreements and repairing them after the argument. Fighting and making up (also known as rupture and repair) actually strengthen a relationship. This article will explore ways to manage the process and strengthen your bond effectively.
Feel all of your feelings
Take a moment to process your feelings before re-engaging with your partner.
- Take time to experience your feelings: Give yourself the time and space to really feel what’s happening internally.
- Identify your feelings: It may be anger, sadness, annoyance, or worry. Remember, you can have multiple feelings at the same time, and they may seem at odds with each other, but they are all still valid.
- Be patient with yourself and your partner: Each person (and each situation) may require a different timeframe. Before re-engaging, be sure you’re open to talking about your feelings and your partner’s.
Feeling and identifying all of your feelings makes it easier to talk with your partner after a fight—you can share how the conversation and actions made you feel. All feelings are valid. While the actions may not have been appropriate (e.g., ignoring, yelling, blaming), understanding each other’s emotions is an opportunity to learn.
Focus on the present
Be mindful and focus on the present. How do you do that? Try the following actions:
- Don’t focus on past fights. Unless it speaks to a broader pattern of behavior and then focuses on the pattern, it can be beneficial.
- Focus on how you felt before, during, and after the argument.
- Think about what needs to be done now – not in the future.
Focusing on the present helps both partners remain on the same page. It decreases pulling in all the past fights (which often is a flag that they were not resolved well) and focusing too much on the future, which can spiral into hypothetical situations.
Mulligan (or a “do-over”)
A “mulligan” in golf is essentially a do-over and a powerful strategy during or after an argument. In the heat of the moment, you or your partner may say something unintentionally or in a tone of voice that’s not helpful. Notice how or what you’re saying. Pause and reflect. What didn’t go to plan? Your tone? What words did you use? Or maybe you hadn’t thought things through yet. Do it over. Try saying it again or doing the action in a more value-based way. Re-do what you said (a.k.a. A “Mulligan”) after pausing and reflecting. Try to do it the second time in a better, more productive way, such as using a nicer tone.
The power of touch
Sometimes, a physical touch can convey more than words can. A moment like a hug or a handhold can be extremely powerful after an argument.
- Be genuine: Don’t just give them a hug because this article says to do it–give a hug from the heart with the goal of connecting.
- Gauge your partner’s response: Your intentions may be positive, but if your partner isn’t ready to be touched, respect their boundary.
- Don’t use it as a tactic: This should be used to convey care for one another, not as a way to “soften” up the other person so they see it your way.
Physical touch, such as hugs or a touch on the shoulder, can go a long way in an argument, as long as the physical touch is welcomed by your partner.
Prioritize understanding over being right
Honest question: Do you want to be right, or do you want to build a healthy relationship? While having a healthy relationship doesn’t mean you can’t be right or have to concede every time, it does mean that you prioritize your relationship over always being right.
- Ask questions: Shift the goal to understanding your partner’s point of view instead of proving why you are right and why they are wrong.
- Reframe your goal: Rather than aiming to walk out of the argument (or after an argument) feeling vindicated or “being right,” aim to understand your partner’s POV.
- Don’t say “but:” Substitute “and” whenever you feel the need to use ‘but’ or something similar. This simple shift in words can help you both feel validated and open up a space for productive repair work.
Shift the mindset from “I must prove I’m right” to “I want my relationship to thrive.”
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Own up to it
It takes two to tango, and taking responsibility for your part in the argument is powerful. Yes, that means saying sorry where it’s due. Assume what was your responsibility and don’t add “but,” “however,” or any other qualifier. For example, DON’T say something like, “I’m sorry I spoke to you that way, BUT I was really upset.” Just say sorry. No buts. Really mean it. Be authentic and genuine in your apology. Takeaway? Say you’re sorry. Mean it. Don’t say but.
Action items to move forward from the argument
After an argument, it is a great time to identify the opportunities for learning and change.
- Make requests, not demands: After the argument, what do you both need? Make that request(s) to your partner. Don’t DEMAND anything. Try saying, “Would you be open to doing it this way?”
- Small changes are powerful: Making broad changes after an argument may be tempting, but “small” changes are just as beneficial. Identify changes that increase your probability of success.
- Agree on the next steps: Make sure you both agree on what happens from here. It could be having another conversation or making agreed-upon changes, but ensure you’re both on the same page.
Use action items from your argument as steps forward. For example, if one partner is going to work on their tone of voice and the other person is going to work on doing the dishes more, make those your “action items” to learn something from the argument.
Celebrate progress
All this isn’t easy, and it can be tempting to brush things under the rug. But you didn’t! So celebrate!
- Share your appreciation for each other: Share your gratitude with your partner for making progress and moving forward.
- Be specific: Identify what you (both) learned and what beneficial actions you took. Being specific allows you to know what worked and what to continue doing.
- Celebration is “fuel” in the tank: Celebration is key because a relationship is work. Celebrating puts “fuel” in the metaphorical relationship tank; it provides motivation for future challenges.
It doesn’t all have to be so tense. You can lighten up the mood once the argument is over by celebrating. Whether it’s just a verbal affirmation to one another or a nice dinner out.
When in doubt: Pull in the pros
There may be times or situations when you need more support. Maybe the fight was significant, or patterns of behavior are so ingrained that a neutral third party is needed.
- Identify your blinders: Each of us has a history that informs how we see and react to the world. A therapist can help you each identify your triggers and how those show up in your relationship.
- Individualized strategies: Find strategies that will work for you both. A professional can help identify appropriate strategies and how to apply them to your specific situation.
- Safe practice space: Couples or marriage therapy creates a safe space to practice new strategies with some guidance before doing them on your own.
You may want to consider couples therapy if things get too intense or the pattern is repeating itself too frequently and nothing is working.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about arguments with your partner
Q: If we want to seek professional help, what should we look for?
A: You should probably look for marriage or couples counseling first. The work will focus on the challenges in and between the individuals in the relationship. Read more about marriage therapy here.
Q: What’s one important strategy or skill to practice to do all this?
A: If I had to choose one strategy that would make a huge difference, it’s active listening. Listening to understand and not to solve, make a judgment, or use to prove a point. It almost automatically creates an environment of understanding, validation, and empathy.
The bottom line
Arguments aren’t a sign of failure but an opportunity to repair and emerge as a stronger couple. By embracing the principles outlined in this article, you and your partners can navigate through disagreements with resilience and respect. Don’t be afraid to try new things and pull in professional support whenever needed. Ultimately, the aftermath of an argument can catalyze positive transformation for deeper connection and positive changes in behavior.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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