What makes a marriage work? Everyone has their opinions and thoughts, and there are many different modalities in psychology that have asked these questions in research projects. One organization in particular, The Gottman Institute, is world-renowned for its work on managing and understanding relationships. In their book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they go into depth about what they have found to help create a healthy marriage. I highly recommend it! Seeing that, I thought I would add my own twist to this format. Based on my clinical work, these are my seven principles for making a marriage work.
Principle 1: Argue
Now, hear me out—arguments do not cause a marriage to fail. It’s the lack of repair after the argument or how people argue that damages a relationship. Arguing constructively—call it disagreeing if that is more palatable—is crucial to a successful marriage.
Why would I say this? Because it is healthy to have differing views from your loved one and to feel safe enough to express them to each other. The opportunity to express your true feelings and thoughts with the confidence that your relationship is strong enough to work it out is empowering.
But you can’t get there without some work. What should you consider or practice to build this strength? Here are some things to try:
- Low-stakes topics: Share differing opinions about things that aren’t high stakes. Practice on topics that don’t hold much value allows you both to explore how you share your differing opinions and what comes up for you each.
- Hard no topics: Discuss any hard no’s—disagreeing in front of the in-laws, stating things as fact vs. opinion… be clear and assess often to make sure you’re both on the same page.
- Circling back: Talk about how to come back together. What do you each need after an argument or disagreement? Each partner may have their own style, so talk about how to combine them. One partner may need to step away and be alone, while the other needs to speak immediately. Decide how to approach that – don’t gloss over anything. And practice implementing it. Give yourself grace and the understanding that you’ll need to do this repeatedly before it becomes an effective habit.
- Validate feelings: Yes, even if you disagree with the opinion or thought. Separate the feelings of your partner from the differing opinions or views. You may disagree strongly with your partner’s thoughts or behaviors and create space for your partner’s sadness.
- Make it fun: Gamify it! Make it a game to start the process and practice. Debate team, anyone?
Principle 2: Date each other
Society paints the development of a relationship as a straight line. You meet someone, you date, and you get married—or at least that is how it’s pictured. What’s wrong with this? So much. But the biggest thing for me is that it sets up the expectation that when you move onto the next “stage,” you’ve completed the past one completely. And this belief sets you and your relationship up for failure.
For a successful marriage, you have to continue dating your spouse—date them every day. With each passing day and each life experience, we evolve and change as people. Who you were at 23 differs from who you were at 34 and 58. So why would we expect who we are at 34 to be automatically compatible with our partner at 58?
To increase that compatibility and longevity, you have to continually get to know the person your partner is today. And you do that through dating. It allows you both to maintain and strengthen your emotional and physical connection. Remember, dating will look different at different points in your life. Don’t box yourself in or be held hostage by what others define as dating. Any quality time that you both spend together with a romantic or loving tone can be a date!
Principle 3: Talk to each other
This principle focuses on continuing to prioritize communication with your partner. No relationship can maintain or grow without a strong base of communication. The minute you stop speaking to each other (about the big and small things), that is when the trouble begins.
Assess your relationship’s communication strengths and weaknesses by asking the following questions:
- Communication style: How do you communicate with each other? Verbally, through body language, actions, text/emails?
- Frequency: How often do you talk to one another?
- Topics: What do your talks usually focus on? Each other? Responsibilities and logistics?
- Communication preferences: What communication method or style do you enjoy? Which do you dislike? What talks bring value or joy to your relationship?
The last one is one I like my client to remember to focus on. The goal isn’t only to become better communicators with each other; it’s to enjoy talking to one another. Discussion, chatting, sharing – all these help build the emotional connection in the marriage.
Principle 4: Consider a prenup
A prenuptial agreement. Yes, even though a prenup is predominantly seen as a financial agreement, it is also one of the most valuable communication practices. What else can have you talking about all the significant things in your relationship, from having children to finances to taxes to inheritances and beyond?
So…How does a prenup help your marriage? First off, you have to view a prenup as a way to strengthen your marriage so that it does end in a split rather than the view that a prenup is planning for a divorce. Use it as an opportunity to be transparent, clear, and honest with each other. What is essential to each of you, what do you bring to the marriage, and what do you need? Successfully co-creating a prenup will give you both the confidence that your assets are protected, decreased stress as conflict resolutions for future events are laid out, and comprehensive discussions about your future.
Prenups aren’t easy to bring up, so we’re here to help! Read more about how to bring up and discuss a prenup with your partner here.
Principle 5: Mutual respect
Respect is a powerful thing to give to another person and to receive. Cultivate that respect for one another; it’s easy for this to get lost in the daily shuffle of life. Merriam-Webster defines respect as “high or special regard.” So, how can you treat your partner in a “high and special regard?” Here are a few ways:
- Validate their feelings
- Give space as needed
- Support and encourage
- Maintain honesty
- Take responsibility for your actions
- Listen and respect personal boundaries
- Compromise
Prioritizing respect for each other also helps decrease the likelihood of contempt sneaking in. The Gottman Institute noted that contempt is the number one predictor of future divorce, so protecting your relationship from it is essential.
Principle 6: Be each other’s “person”
Be each other’s primary support or what I like to call each other’s “person.” Fostering your relationship and friendship so you turn to each other first when in need. Let me be clear – this is not to say that you shouldn’t have a more comprehensive support network. To isolate yourselves to only your marriage is not healthy. But making sure you are the first person your partner calls in good and bad situations (and vise versa) is important.
Ask yourself:
- Who do I turn to first when I have good news?
- Who do I turn to first when I have bad news?
- Who do I turn to when I need comfort?
- Who do I turn to when I want to have fun?
- Who do I turn to to solve a problem?
If the majority of your answers are not your partner, take some time to ask yourself why. What keeps you from turning to them first? Do you lack confidence in their response? Do you worry about burdening them? Whatever the reason, your answers will provide a direction to begin making changes to build this connection.
Principle 7: Develop and nurture similar values
Values are defined as a person’s principles or standards of behavior; they are what we consider essential in our lives. Values can change over time, and they significantly impact our physiological well-being. How can they do that? When we act in ways aligned with our values, we reap the psychological and emotional benefits. When we act in misaligned behaviors, it can cause increased distress.
The same goes for relationships. While it is likely (and I think beneficial) to have some different values, having no overlapping values makes a relationship difficult. If one partner values achievement, change, and fame while another partner prioritizes dependability, health, and service, it makes it difficult to establish a strong foundation for mutual understanding and cooperation. It also may be more divergence in your goals and behaviors, causing opportunities for miscommunication, hurt feelings, or disconnection.
Now, I’m not recommending that you be inauthentic and say a value is one to you when it is not. Instead, I’m recommending that you both nurture similar values. Share often about your values and why they are important to you. This can help you identify where you both align and move forward in those areas. It also enables you to engage in values-based behaviors and activities as a couple. Unsure what your values are right now? Not a problem! Try this value card sort activity.
Conclusion
The above seven principles cover crucial pieces of a marriage, and prioritizing them will likely lead to a successful marriage. By embracing principles such as mutual respect, continually prioritizing a romantic connection, open and honest communication, and constructive conflict resolution, couples can navigate through the complexities of married life. Of note, in my professional opinion, prenuptial agreements serve as a valuable tool to have conversations that will decrease the chance of divorce. In the end, couples who hold these principles in mind will enjoy a strong partnership ready to weather the ups and downs together.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is the Founding Psychologist at Pace Groups. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to improving the lives of clients across the lifespan. Background-wise, she’s been trained and worked in academic centers and hospitals (Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Kaiser and Rady Children’s), and utilizes evidence-based treatments and research to enhance non-clinical, supportive services.
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