“Is the thought of “I do” making you want to say “I… don’t think I can do this”? Turns out marriage anxiety is surprisingly common.
The biggest life milestones include graduating high school and college, getting married, and having children. Big life milestones = tons of changes = anxiety.
Let’s unpack what marriage anxiety is, why it happens, and how to get back to feeling excited about your wedding.
What is marriage anxiety?
POV: You’re in love and excited about your wedding, but instead of pure joy, you feel a nagging sense of dread. Maybe you have doubts about the relationship, fear making such a big commitment, or feel overwhelmed by all the wedding planning. That’s marriage anxiety.
It’s Not Just Cold Feet: Marriage anxiety is more than pre-wedding jitters. It’s a persistent, intense worry that casts a shadow over what should be a happy time.
How it Feels: Marriage anxiety can show up in many ways:
- Mental: Racing thoughts, difficulty focusing, second-guessing your decision to marry.
- Emotional: Feeling irritable, sad, or just generally “off.”
- Physical: Trouble sleeping, increased heart rate, changes in appetite, even panic attacks.
Why It’s Important to Address It: Ignoring marriage anxiety won’t make it go away. It could strain your relationship or even lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. The good news is there are ways to manage it!
Different types of marriage anxiety
Marriage anxiety is not a one-size-fits-all situation. There are different types of marriage anxiety, and knowing which one applies to you is important in knowing how to address it. Here are the different forms marriage anxiety can take:
- Pre-Wedding Anxiety: This is when normal worry turns into intense anxiety that disrupts your life. It’s about the magnitude, not just feeling a little nervous. For example, are you losing sleep quite frequently? Or having difficulties focusing at work? These may be signs its a bit more than just jitters.
- Post-Wedding Blues: This is what happens when you feel a big let down after the big event is over. It can be due to unrealistic expectations or deeper emotional issues. Either way, if you’re feeling symptoms of depression, you should seek out professional help.
- Infidelity Anxiety: Research shows that around 20-25% of married men cheat, and 10-15% of married women cheat. A fear of cheating is not uncommon. If your marriage anxiety stems from infidelity, it’s crucial to speak with a professional to address your insecurities or trust issues.
- Conflict Anxiety: You may have grown up around marital conflict, which now leads you to be so afraid of arguments that you avoid addressing issues, which harms the relationship long-term. For example, if your parents fought like cats and dogs your whole life, you may be feeling intense worry over the potential conflict you might face with your future spouse.
- Commitment Anxiety: This is a deep-seated fear of committing to one person. It can cause sabotage or difficulty with intimacy, hurting the bond. Again, this can stem from personal traumas, experience, and other personal issues you should consider addressing with a professional.
Why Identifying The Source Matters: Knowing the TYPE of anxiety you’re facing helps you target the root cause and find the right coping strategies. For example, you wouldn’t treat a headache with a bandaid, right? Same goes for the anxiety–find the source first.
Causes of marriage anxiety
So, where does the marriage anxiety come from? It’s rarely just one thing that causes marriage anxiety. Here are some key sources:
- Unrealistic Expectations: The media, family experiences, or your own dreams can create a fantasy that clashes with real-life marriage. For example, you may see on social media how all of your sorority sisters threw lavish weddings by the time they were 29. You’re pushing 33 now and feeling the pressure to get married ASAP with a huge, lavish wedding—not to mention following it up with the PERFECT marriage.
- Money Worries: Weddings, kids, and houses are expensive, and financial stress is a major strain on marriages. In fact, 27% of Gen Zers who are parents rely on their parents for financial support—yes, even though they’re married with kids! Marriage in this economy can be stressful and anxiety-inducing.
- Communication Fears: If you struggle to express yourself or resolve conflict, the thought of lifelong communication can be daunting. For instance, if you hate vulnerability, you’re now in a partnership (a.k.a. marriage) that requires you to be vulnerable daily in order to work well. That can be intense for some people!
- Fear of Cheating: Statistics can be scary on just how frequent cheating is in marriages, especially if you have past trust issues. Legally committing to someone through marriage and putting all of your trust in them to be faithful and loyal can be anxiety-inducing.
- Conflict Avoidance: If you come from a chaotic background, it can make you terrified of arguments, even healthy ones, which are needed for a strong marriage. Yes, that’s right–fighting with your partner can be healthy if done right. (No low blows, truly listening, compromising).
- Past Trauma: If you have unresolved emotional issues, they can resurface when you make a big life commitment. Huge life changes can be intense for people who have gone through traumatic events.
- Fear of Change: Marriage IS a huge shift. If you hate change, this may trigger anxiety. Change anxiety is a real thing.
- Commitment Issues: Past pain or a general fear of being tied down can make marriage feel overwhelming for some people.
Symptoms of marriage anxiety
Now that you’re well-informed on marriage anxiety, let’s talk about how marriage anxiety can manifest as physical or mental symptoms:
- Nervousness
- Restlessness
- Panic attacks
- Sleep disturbances
- Irrational thoughts
- Obsessive behavior
- Avoidance behavior
- Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, etc.)
These symptoms are often true for any type of anxiety, not just marriage anxiety. If you are feeling any of these things, and they begin to hinder your daily life, you should consider seeking treatment.
How to stop marriage anxiety: Treatment options
Treating marriage anxiety depends on the specific type and severity of the symptoms. Some treatment options include:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): This is one type of therapy that helps individuals identify and combat negative thoughts and behaviors that contribute to anxiety through different exercises and techniques. For example, exposure therapy is a type of CBT that can be useful for someone who has a phobia.
- Talk therapy: Discussing and navigating your stresses, anxieties, and worries with a licensed therapist can be a great option. You can speak with a therapist in person or do talk therapy online. Thanks to technology, you can complete talk therapy from anywhere.
- Mindfulness meditation: This is a tool that involves helping you focus on the present moment and accepting your thoughts and emotions without judging yourself. For example, downloading the Headspace app which has tons of free and paid mindfulness meditation for people who are new to meditation.
- Medication: Sometimes, medication may be prescribed to alleviate anxiety or OCD symptoms related to marriage anxiety. For instance, if you have OCD about getting married, talking to your doctor about medication therapy may be beneficial.
- Couples therapy: This is a type of therapy that you attend with your significant other that focuses on improving communication and conflict resolution skills in the relationship. If your marriage anxiety stems from some relationship issues, this may be a good place to get started.
- Lifestyle changes: Making lifestyle changes, such as adding exercise, healthy eating, and stress management into your daily routine, can sometimes help reduce anxiety symptoms. For instance, instituting a daily 30-minute walk with your partner can be really helpful.
It’s important to seek help if marriage anxiety is impacting one’s daily life and relationship to a negative level. Professional support can provide valuable tools and strategies to manage anxiety and improve one’s overall well-being.
The bottom line on marriage anxiety
You’re not alone. Thinking to yourself, “Why am I so anxious about getting married?” is extremely common. In fact, 52% of people from a study of 1,002 people said that getting married was anxiety-inducing.
As you can see, marriage anxiety is quite common. It can be subtle or extremely difficult to manage. If it starts affecting your daily life, you should consider seeking professional help.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about marriage anxiety
Let’s explore more about marriage anxiety and address some of your frequently asked questions on the subject.
Q: Is it normal to have pre-wedding jitters?
A: Yes, it’s normal to have some level of pre-wedding jitters due to the significant life change that’s about to happen. However, excessive anxiety can impact one’s ability to enjoy the engagement period, and if that’s happening to you, you should consider seeking treatment.
Q: How can I manage conflict anxiety in my marriage?
A: Managing conflict anxiety in a marriage may include improving communication and conflict resolution skills through individual therapy, couples therapy, practicing mindfulness, and more.
Q: Can marriage anxiety be treated?
A: Yes, marriage anxiety can be treated through various approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, talk therapy, medication, couples therapy, and lifestyle changes.
Q: How do I know if I have commitment anxiety?
A: Commitment anxiety can manifest in various ways, such as avoiding getting married, sabotaging the relationship, struggling with intimacy, and finding it hard to be vulnerable. Seeking professional help can oftentimes help you work through your commitment anxiety.
Q: Can marriage anxiety impact my overall well-being?
A: Yes, marriage anxiety can impact one’s mental and emotional well-being, as well as their relationship with their partner. Seeking help can provide valuable tools and strategies to manage anxiety and improve one’s overall well-being.
David F Khalili is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, board-certified sexologist, author of Mental Health Workbook for Men, founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, a boutique sex and relationship therapy center serving San Francisco and all of California, and recently started Rouse Academy, an online learning platform to address sex and anxiety.
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