We’ve all experienced times when our family members are…not our favorite people. Family dynamics can be tricky, and no matter how much we love someone, conflicts are a part of any relationship. However, disagreements or unaddressed conflicts can eat at a relationship like rust–even straining other family relationships, especially with your child.
The fact that you’re looking up topics like this means you want to find a way to resolve the conflict(s) and, hopefully, forge a more peaceful path forward. This article will provide practical strategies for handling disputes with your child-in-law (CIL) healthily and constructively.
Step 1: Identify the problem
Just like weeds in a garden, you first have to identify what a weed is and what is not. To handle a conflict with your CIL, you must know what problem to solve. Are there common themes that arise across the disagreements or clashes? Or is there one significant conflict that continues to grow and grow? What might be the connecting thread(s)? Let’s see if any of these common sources feel like they hit home:
Misaligned values and beliefs
Our values and beliefs are a massive part of who we are. They impact our lives and decisions, frequently more than we realize. While our values and beliefs can change over time, at any given moment, they are integral to who we are as a person. So, when another person has values that conflict with ours or rejects ours, it’s hard not to take that personally.
You just don’t like each other
Sometimes, you’re just not that into them… as a person. But just because you don’t like each other doesn’t mean you can’t have a mutually respectful relationship. So, challenge yourself to see if anything else may be driving the dislike. Do you dislike how they interact with you or your child? Do you dislike their beliefs?
Miscommunication
Miscommunications can be like a snowball; they quickly avalanche from a misunderstanding or assumption to an ever-growing conflict. If communications are unclear or often misconstrued, people feel unheard or disrespected, which breeds resentment. This also makes it difficult to resolve the conflict when the core communication strategies aren’t effective.
Different interpersonal styles
Each person has their way of interacting and communicating with others, something called our interpersonal style. Just like types of personality, some interpersonal styles don’t mix well with others. For example, if one person values brief, straight-to-the-point conversations while another needs detailed, expansive interactions, this will be frustrating and invalidating for both parties.
Your CIL’s interpersonal style may also not be in direct conflict with your own. It may be how they show up in the family (e.g., as a CIL, sibling-in-law), as a partner, or as a parent themselves. Perhaps your family style of interacting with each other is less directive, while your CIL leans heavily on direct, honest feedback.
Step 2: Identify your feelings
Take a moment to identify your feelings and the feelings of your CIL (and anyone else involved). Why identify your feelings? For one, it expands your understanding and context of the situation. For two, it helps you narrow down the next best steps. And three, it motivates you to build empathy. Understanding your CIL’s feelings and motivations is crucial to repairing the relationship. Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone to feel empathy for them.
Step 3: Determine alternative behaviors
If you could go back in time, what alternative routes could you have taken? In other words, what alternative behaviors could you have taken before the interaction became a conflict (or a larger conflict)? If you run into writer’s block, start by writing down any alternative action, no matter how out in left field it may seem. Write them on a sticky note and plop them on a wall!
Example: Say the conflict arose from a heated conversation about differing political opinions. Alternative pathways may have been:
- Walk away
- Verbally stopped the conversation and stated you weren’t going to talk about politics anymore
- Created an excuse about cooking dinner to stop the conversation
- Pretend to faint to stop the conversation
- Text your child to step in
- Scream profanity at your CIL
- Pull up a Daily Show clip on Instagram to make your point
- Share how this conversation is making you feel and request a pause
As you can see, it can be any alternative behavior! Also, focus on your actions. Because at the end of the day, you can only control what you do and no one else.
Step 4: Choose an alternative behavior & other conflict resolution techniques
The goal is to end up with a few alternative actions that would have avoided or de-escalated the situation. Then, decide if any of these options are ones you can still do now. If none of the pathways are appropriate for right now, repeat the process with actions to take moving forward.
Practical strategies for conflict resolution include:
- Open communication: Initiate and encourage open, honest conversation about how you both feel. Listen actively, ask questions, and share your emotional experience vulnerably.
- Acknowledge responsibility and apologize: A genuine apology is one of the most powerful strategies. Don’t take on or apologize for something that is your fault, but be honest with any part you played in the conflict. “I’m sorry for how I shared my feelings with you” is an example of an apology that can open the door for a reparative conversation.
- Make requests: Frame changes as requests. Asking your CIL for “xyz” is likely to work better than telling them. Don’t like how they drop off the grandkids with no warning? Ask them to give you an hour’s notice via text so you can prepare!
- Set boundaries: Be clear about your role in their lives and their role in yours. Share your needs and expectations using “I” statements and requests, and be consistent with your boundaries.
- Validate their role: Validate their role as your child’s spouse and respect the boundaries they may place as a couple.
- Don’t assume—ask: Assumptions may have gotten you all into this situation to begin with. Try to forget all your assumptions and ask for more information. That’s not to say you have to naively forget everything that has occurred; rather, just gather more information to make informed next steps.
- Identify common goals: Focus on common ground and goals to decrease the chances of conflict.
- Work together to come up with solutions: Work together to come up with and implement solutions. Creating something together will increase the motivation for you to move forward with it. Because let’s be honest – we’re more likely to do something if we help create it!
- Be flexible and compromise. Remember, the goal is to repair the relationship, so try to be flexible and make some compromises. For example, if you want your child and their spouse to come over every Sunday for family dinner, but that doesn’t work for your CIL, try being flexible and making another day work or being OK with once a month.
Step 5: Action!
Choose the best action and put it into action. Simple right? Not always. Creating change is hard, and there is a reason so many of us avoid confrontation (or what we believe to be confrontation). Show yourself compassion and be prepared to feel emotions rise. Read through Step 6; it’ll be helpful.
Step 6: Explore and learn
Conflict resolution isn’t a one-and-done; it’s often a process. After implementing any action or solution, examine the following:
- What went well?
- What could have gone better?
- What would you do differently?
- What can’t you change?
Other tips
That’s not all! Here are some more helpful tips for improving your relationship with your child’s spouse.
- Involve your child as appropriate, but don’t make them the messenger. You can do that by having open conversations about their role and your expectations of them.
- Manage your emotions. Practice emotional regulation strategies before and after stressful situations (e.g., deep breathing, mindfulness, or meditation). Take breaks as needed and seek support when needed.
- Celebrate successes. Acknowledge and celebrate the positive aspects of your relationship and any progress you’ve made!
- Consider cultural differences. Learn and consider your CIL’s cultural background. This information may help you understand the root of the conflict and/or which action step to take.
- Incorporate the positives. Focusing only on the negatives or the conflict puts (metaphorical) blinders on you. Find the small positives—the way your CIL says thank you or how they help your child with dinner. Express appreciation. Regularly acknowledge and appreciate their efforts and positive qualities. Be supportive and show up for important events and offer encouragement during challenging times.
- Get legal plans in place: Whether it’s an estate plan or other legal documents that may help provide you with peace of mind, getting a legal plan in place can help you feel in control of the situation.
- Pull in professional support. Conflict resolution (especially if it’s complex or long-running) may need more than an article to address it. A family therapist can provide individualized support for your specific conflict. Not only that, but they can also help facilitate group conversations and implement interventions.
Final thoughts on handling conflict with your child-in-law
Despite the social narrative that in-laws are always at odds or best friends, conflicts are a natural part of any family dynamic. However, the conflict with your child’s spouse does add a layer of complexity. The steps laid out here (identify the root problem, identify feelings, explore all options, act, and re-assess) are to help you begin addressing the conflict. Ultimately, each relationship and interaction will determine how you address the conflict, but being open to the attempt can help create a more harmonious dynamic among your family.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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