As parents, we plan, dream, and hope for the best for our child(ren). Our child finding a partner is a joyful occasion… unless we discover their partner is not the person we had hoped for. You may dislike your child’s fiancé or believe they aren’t the right person for your beloved child for various reasons. This tension can create a challenging and emotionally draining situation. In this article, we’ll help you explore why you might be feeling this way, the impact it can have on your relationship with your child, and strategies for navigating forward as best as possible.
Impact on your relationship with your child
Disliking your child’s fiancé can have several negative impacts, including cognitive strain, emotional baggage, and isolation. Here’s how these impacts affect your relationship:
Cognitive strain
Every interaction is likely to be filled with increased thoughts, questions, and self-talk. Why are they with them? Why don’t they leave them? Can I tell them or not? What should I do? Oh my god, they did that thing again!? And so on, so forth. Increased cognitive activity like this is exhausting! How else might this show up? Well, it can look like:
- Fatigue after or before interactions
- Easily distracted or difficulty paying attention
- Increased worries or anxiety level
Emotional baggage
Constant tension can lead to emotional exhaustion and feelings of guilt or frustration. If your child is aware of the strain, there can be emotional reactions to their response—anger, rejection, hurt, and sadness, to name a few. What else may be tied to emotional stress?
- You experience fatigue
- You have trouble sleeping
- You experience a change in eating habits
- Your mood is easily impacted, or you notice you get sad faster or mad more easily
- You have difficulty being motivated to do things
Isolation
You may notice that you begin to distance yourself from your child. OR your child (and their partner) begin to distance themselves from you to avoid conflict. While that avoidance may ease tensions in the short run, it can significantly damage your relationship in the long run. What else might you experience from isolation?
- Irritability
- Increased sadness or feelings of hopelessness
- Decreased (general) social interactions
- Increased anxiety during events where you may or may not run into your child & their partner
Figure out what is at the root of the problem
Let’s start by identifying and understanding why you dislike your son or daughter’s fiancé. Reflecting on these reasons can help provide clarity and help you identify the most effective strategies for managing the situation. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I dislike them as a person? If this were a random person you met at work, through friends, or at the supermarket… would you still dislike them? Why or why not?
- Do I disagree with their values? Values can be defined as the principles that govern the way you want to act. As humans, we tend to be most fulfilled when we act in a value-based manner, and that includes surrounding ourselves with people who have similar values. Does your child’s fiancé hold significantly different values or beliefs? What feels so misaligned if they do?
- Have there been incidents or mishaps? Have there been specific incidents or mishaps between you two that have triggered your dislike? Have those interactions directly involved you or indirectly? For example, was your child’s partner rude to you, or were they saying rude things to your child about you?
- Do I disagree with how they treat my son or daughter? Do you find yourself disliking (or even hating) the way they treat your child or how they interact with them? Do you notice your child acts differently with them and not in a positive way?
- Do I disagree with this person’s decisions? Is the crux of your relationship that you disagree with your child’s partner’s decisions? For example, they may have decided to take a job in New York, meaning your child will be moving across the country from you.
- Do I think they’re a mismatch? Maybe you care and like your child’s partner as a person. The problem is… You don’t believe that your child and their partner are a good fit. Ask yourself why you believe that. For example, maybe you believe your son or daughter should be with someone who challenges them more.
Let’s do a therapeutic practice to dig a little deeper
After some self-exploration, you will need to dig a little more. We’ll use a modified technique called the downward arrow, which is used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to explore core beliefs we each hold and how to incorporate those beliefs into therapeutic interventions. For our exercise, we are going to dig a little deeper into the questions listed above to understand better what is driving the difficult relationship with your child’s partner. For each of your responses to the questions above, follow up with one of these questions:
- And why does that bother you?
- What does this suggest?
- And if that is true, so what?
- What are you worried that might mean?
- And so what does that mean?
- And if that’s true, what will happen?
Here is an example of how to properly utilize this CBT practice, known as the downward arrow:
Question: Do I disagree with their values?
Answer: I don’t agree with my child’s partner’s lack of religion.
Dig Deep: Okay, what are you worried that might mean?
Answer: I’m afraid that my child will also lose their connection to the religion they grew up with.
Dig Deep: And why does that bother you?
Answer: It’s something I really value and it has gotten me through so many rough times in my life. I want my child to have the same support, and I also want them to continue this value because it’s important to me.
As you can see, you can continue to use these questions to dig deeper and deeper from just one response. The key to this is to be as honest with yourself as possible! You don’t have to share this with anyone unless you want to, but the self-knowledge will be extremely useful.
Strategies to manage the situation
Alright, now that we have a better understanding of what’s driving the misalignment, let’s talk about what to do. Here are some strategies to consider:
Open communication
- Honest Conversations: Be honest with your child about what you’re struggling with. Focus on your feelings and use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory or causing your child to become defensive. And make it a conversation—ask your child how they are feeling, their thoughts, and what they think you both can do to move forward.
- Write It Down: Write down your feelings and thoughts in a letter or email. It allows you time to make edits and it allows your child the space to read and process it at their own speed. It’s key to find time after to discuss it; a letter or email should be the first step, not the only step.
- Listen Actively: Despite your own feelings, be open to your child’s perspective. Listen to them to understand, not to judge or convince them otherwise.
- Bring in Other Key Players: Who else should be in these conversations? Some good candidates may be your child’s fiancé, your partner, and/or your child’s other parent (if they are different). Find the right timing for each additional person and/or conversation.
Finding common ground
- Focus On The Good: Identify the positives about your son or daughter’s fiancé. Depending on how deep your dislike or mismatch with them goes, this can be a difficult task. Build up to it and practice it like a habit. Start with 5 things. They can be as small as saying thank you, they have the same humor as your child, or they keep their car clean. Anything to get the ball rolling!
- Do Things Together: What’s something you both (including your child or not) like to do? It can be involved as woodworking to something as simple as a love for action movies. Schedule some time to engage in common activities. This provides opportunities to get to know each other better and to build content to focus on during future interactions.
Setting boundaries
- Identify Your Boundaries: A boundary is a limit set to protect yourself–emotionally, mentally, or even physically. Define your boundaries, share them with the appropriate people, and follow through. For example, if you and your child’s spouse significantly disagree about politics, your boundary would be not to discuss politics together. If your child’s partner does not respect that boundary, then you will uphold it by leaving the conversation, the room, or even the setting completely.
- Respect Their Boundaries: Ask about your child and your child’s fiancé’s boundaries. Respect their boundaries as well to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
- Create an Environment for Mutual Respect: Place mutual respect over liking each other. Is there a way to create an environment for respect? Discuss this with each other and identify what each person needs to make this a reality.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself
Like we noted before, all this carries a heavy emotional load. Take care of yourself! Here are some ideas to maintain your well-being:
- Find Your People: Turn to your support network–trusted friends, family members, or support groups. Find a place to speak about your feelings where you feel safe enough to be authentic.
- Step Away: Take time for yourself–do things that make you happy and get your mind off this situation. It can be something as small as a drive with great music to a weekend away.
- Exercise: Get those endorphins flowing and move your body! Movement is crucial to resetting yourself—a walk, a pick-up basketball game, or an exercise class are all ideas to start.
- Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness into each day. Mindfulness exercises help you focus on the present moment and become more aware of your internal states. Get some more information and ideas for mindfulness exercises here.
Don’t do it alone–Lean on the professionals
If the situation becomes too overwhelming, pull in more support. These areas can include:
- Individual or Family Therapy: A therapist can provide clarity and a space for open conversation. An individual therapist allows you a safe space to process, share, and problem-solve. A family therapist helps navigate the dynamics among family members and come up with a plan across all parties.
- Protecting Your Child’s Assets: Depending on what your concerns are about your child’s partner, this may be an important area to consider. If your concerns are focused on how your child is being treated or a potential mismatch, talk to your child about a prenuptial agreement. Protecting your future inheritance for your child and your child’s money can make it easier to move forward with your child’s partner. Not sure how to talk about a prenup or postnup with your child? Take some of the advice here and apply it to your situation.
What to take away
Navigating the complexities of disliking your child’s partner can be challenging. However, managing your feelings and maintaining a healthy relationship with your child with patience, open communication, and self-care is possible. It’s also possible to create a relationship with your son or daughter’s fiancé (if you want) that relies on mutual respect and boundaries. At the end of the day, the goal is to support your child while also ensuring your own well-being.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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