Congratulations! The time before marriage is usually a rollercoaster of emotions—excitement, anxiety, fear, and love, to name a few. The range and depth of the emotional experience validate how profound a commitment this is. Before entering this stage of life (and any committed relationship), it is highly recommended to have multiple conversations about all the essential things; for many couples, that includes their views surrounding family and children. These conversations (yes, plural) are essential and should be approached with care and compassion. Here’s a guide on how to get started and navigate them.
Understand what you want first
Having this conversation is difficult if you haven’t taken a moment to identify your personal beliefs, views, and feelings. So, before talking with your partner, ask yourself these questions:
- Do I want kids? Why or why not?
- What fears or concerns do I have about being a parent?
- What kind of parent do I want to be?
- Do I have a strong support system? Does this change my feelings about having a kid?
- What will I regret if I have kids? What will I regret if I don’t?
- Financials. Is this possible for me right now?
- What in my life am I completely unwilling to give up? Does having kids impact that?
- How has having changed or impacted my career goals?
- How do I deal with stress?
- What are my expectations about parenthood?
- How do I handle commitment and responsibility?
- How do I handle personal sacrifice?
- What are the external factors that have an impact on my decision (e.g., my parents, society, friends)?
- If I do want kids, how many would I want? Is there a hard number threshold?
Understanding what you want first by asking yourself the above questions can help you better navigate the conversation with your partner.
Create a comfortable environment
Initiating and having these conversations can be daunting. So, make it easier on yourselves! Create a comfortable and safe environment for these discussions. Keep in mind:
- Scheduling a time: While it may seem a bit cheeky, it’s a good way to prepare, feel “ready” to discuss, and not spring the conversation on either partner.
- Distraction-free: Make sure the environment is free from distractions and stress. For example, it may not be ideal to have the conversation at a beer hall while sharing a table with a bunch of other beer drinkers.
- No Rush: For the first few discussions, give yourself a time buffer. Make sure neither of you has to rush from the conversation to something else. For instance, don’t schedule or start the convo right before one of you has a work meeting.
- Relaxing space: Is there a particular place that you both find relaxing? Maybe a nearby park or your couch. Somewhere, you both can let your guard down.
Making the environment comfortable is key to having a smooth and free-flowing conversation where you can get to the bottom of you and your partner’s true desires.
Reflect on your childhood together
As with many things, our backgrounds and upbringings often influence our values and attitudes towards having children. Try reflecting on your childhood together to dig deeper. Share your childhood experiences. Talk about how they’ve shaped you and influenced your views on children & parenthood. For example, what did you love or hate about having siblings (or not having siblings)? Ask about your partner’s childhood experience. Talk about what they see as inevitable, opportunities, and fears. Here are some questions you can ask each other to dig into childhood experiences:
- What was the best and worst interaction/experience with their parents/parental figures (or generally their relationship with them)
- Did you ever envision yourself as a parent? If so, how do you envision yourself as a parent?
- What’s your relationship like with your parents now?
- Who has a childhood or relationship with their parents that is ideal in your mind?
Speak with conviction, but embrace uncertainty
Communicate your desires and concerns about children. Don’t hold back because you’re worried it may hurt your partner; that will do more harm than good. If you genuinely believe in something, share it and remember that life is uncertain, so don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” Things to talk about:
- Why is it important? If you want kids, express why it’s important to you.
- Why is it important not to have kids? If you don’t want kids, be transparent and share your reasoning.
- What do I really want? Have you made a decision yourself already? If you have, be honest. Share what can or can’t be changed for you.
- Timing. Do you have a timeline? What is ideal for each of you as a couple?
- Health factors. Getting pregnant is not easy. Fertility, health, or genetic issues can play a role. Talk about any factors you need to consider and how they may or may not impact your decision.
- One and done, or full house? If you have a firm idea of how many kids you’d want, don’t be shy – share it now! This can be a big game changer for some folks who may want 4 kids versus their partner who is set on 1.
“Tiger mom” or gentle parenting?
Okay, these are not the only two parenting styles, but they highlight the range and variance. Differences in parenting style are often a source of conflict in a relationship, so talking about them before kids is crucial. Things to discuss:
- Parenting styles: Even if you’re not sure exactly what style you lean towards, just share what you can imagine doing and what you can’t.
- Values: What values are most important to instill in your kids? Do these align with each other or clash?
- Discipline methods: How do you define discipline, and how might you implement them? For example, learning that one person is keen on spanking while the other is adamantly against it can be something you need to discuss beforehand.
- Education philosophies. Sure, you have five years before your kids go to kindergarten, but education and learning start the minute they are born. What’s important to you?
- Parenting roles + career. What “role” do you see yourself playing as a parent, and how do you imagine it works with your partner? There is no wrong answer–the goal is to be on the same page as your partner.
Cultural upbringing
The APA defines culture as the “values, beliefs, language, rituals, traditions, and other behaviors passed from one generation to another within any social group.” So, ask yourselves these questions:
- How do I define my culture?
- What are your family traditions?
- What are your traditions?
- What traditions (even if I’m not doing them now) do I see myself wanting to do with my children?
- What language do I want to use to raise my kids?
- How do I describe the culture of my extended family? How much do I want to incorporate with my partner and kids?
- How does this differ when I compare it to my partner’s culture?
- What traditions or cultural components are non-negotiable?
- Where do my culture and my partner’s conflict?
Remember, everyone has a culture. If you struggle to answer any of these questions, stop and take the time to answer them without the lens of children or parenthood.
The financial implications
Let’s not beat around the bush—children are expensive. For instance, in Northern California (Bay Area), the average monthly cost for full-time daycare for an infant at a childcare center is around $2,459. That’s practically another mortgage! Children are a significant financial commitment, and a discussion about financial readiness is a must. Consider the following financial implications:
- Budget: Creating a budget that includes childcare expenses, education costs, and additional healthcare costs
- Future earnings: Examine both partners’ earning potential and career trajectory. How will children impact or not impact that?
- Ways to cut costs: Other supports that may help alleviate costs (e.g., nanny sharing, family helping with childcare, additional revenue of income)
Note that if you and your partner are collaborating on a prenuptial agreement (which I highly recommend!), incorporate takeaways from these conversations to instill into your agreement. For example, if one person plans to stay home with the children to cut costs, ensure that the stay-at-home parent is cared for in the prenup, too.
Talk about a (potential) timeline
There is no way to truly make a timeline for having kids when life is so unpredictable, but a rough plan is beneficial. Here are some timeline topics to discuss:
- What are your current life goals?
- What are each of your rough timeline estimates? (For example, does one partner want to have kids before 30 versus the other partner who is adamant about having kids 35+?)
- When do you both want to try to get pregnant?
- What other significant life events may arise for either of you in the next few years?
Be flexible and understanding, and recognize that life plans must adapt over time.
Pull in the pros
If any of this feels challenging to initiate, discuss, or come to a mutual agreement, consider professional guidance. A couples therapist or a marriage counselor can provide a neutral space. They’ll also be able to help guide and drive needed conversations.
The bottom line on talking about kids before marriage
Despite how uncomfortable these discussions can be, being on the same page about children before marriage is a crucial step in building a solid and healthy marriage. Approach the conversations with honesty, patience, and openness for both yourself and your partner. No matter what you decide, these conversations will help you learn more about each other, widening your perspective and empathy for each other.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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