Dolly Parton and Carl Dean. Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. Shailene Woodley. Nico Tortorella. What do all these people have in common? Well, they’ve opened up about their non-traditional relationships or views on relationships. In recent years, the concept of ethical non-monogamy (or an open marriage) has garnered increased attention as more couples explore and openly talk about alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships. Curious about what an open marriage really entails? Or in the early stages of exploring alternatives to a traditional marriage? Let’s break down all the dynamics, benefits, and challenges that can arise in an open marriage so you’ll be ready to go.
What to know
Let’s clarify some key terms related to open marriages and similar relationship styles, as they can often get mixed up!
- Open Marriage: This is a type of consensual, non-monogamous relationship where both partners agree and consent to sexual relationships with individuals outside the couple. It can include romantic relationships, but not always. Open marriage is sometimes known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM) or ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
- Polyamory: Being in multiple romantic relationships.
- Swinging: Couples who choose to have multiple sexual partners outside their relationship (individually or together). The key is that they don’t get emotionally or romantically involved. Sometimes, swinging partners may also participate in consensual group sex.
- Monogamish: This is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage; it describes a mostly monogamous relationship. Still, both partners allow each other (or one of the partners) to have occasional sexual encounters outside the relationship.
Understanding open marriage
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) are umbrella terms that cover relationship styles where partners have romantic, intimate, or sexual relationships with multiple people. CNM is more prevalent than many people imagine—according to some studies, about 1 in 22 people are currently in a CNM relationship. Even with so many people in a CNM relationship, it’s often misunderstood and misrepresented.
The key to any CNM or ENM relationship is that it happens with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, so it’s not infidelity. To make all our lives easier, we’ll use CNM and ENM interchangeably in this article. CNM relationships can range from polyamory, monogamish, swinging… the whole gamut.
Key characteristics of open marriages
Let’s examine open marriages in more detail—what they truly entail and the key characteristics that set them apart.
- Mutual Agreement: Both partners must agree to the open marriage arrangement. The best way to do this is to discuss boundaries, rules, and expectations so everyone is on the same page.
- Communication: For open marriages to be successful, they require ongoing, frank discussions between the partners (and others) to navigate emotions that arise, reset boundaries, and address any other concerns that crop up.
- Consent: All parties, even one-time or external partners, must consent to the arrangement.
- Flexibility: Open marriages can vary widely and are generally flexible based on the couple. They get to make the rules and agreements that work best for their needs and preferences.
The benefits of open marriages
Just because a couple has an open relationship doesn’t mean they have an unhealthy relationship. Open marriages are like monogamous relationships — you have to put in the work. So, if it’s still the same amount of work (or even more), why would someone want to be in a CNM relationship?! Reported upsides include:
- Improved communication: Your communication skills must be on point to have a successful CNM relationship. Frequent conversations about boundaries, needs, and requests can improve communication skills. Practice makes perfect!
- Emotional fulfillment: The idea that there is one person who meets all your needs (romantic, sexual, emotional) is discarded here. Partners can let go of the pressure to be everything for one another and explore alternative relationship configurations.
- Sexual fulfillment: Some people find that their needs are fulfilled more effectively by someone who doesn’t fulfill any other part of their life. Or, with time, a couple’s preferences and needs diverge. A CNM relationship allows freedom from choosing between your own preferences and fulfillment of your partner’s.
- Emotional honesty: Partners are encouraged to share their feelings openly and frequently to avoid miscommunications or ruptures in the primary relationship. Doing so builds a strong sense of trust and emotional intimacy.
- Safe exploration: Open marriages allow partners to explore different (usually sexual) interests and fantasies that may not be fulfilled within the primary relationship. This exploration may be done by one partner, both partners separately, and/or as a couple with other individuals or couples.
- Autonomy: Releasing societal expectations and restrictions naturally creates room for more autonomy. Each partner can define their ideal relationship and work together to define their boundaries.
The challenges of open marriages
There has been a spike in CNM and ENM relationships, especially among the younger crowd (see it trending on TikTok here). But it’s not the easiest of relationship styles and has its share of challenges. Here are some of those downsides to open marriages:
- Emotional intelligence: While it may be tempting to just read a book on emotional intelligence and call it a day (ahem, Bennett), that’s not gonna cut it here. Jealousy, worry, and fear are all common emotions in any marriage, but even more so in a CNM relationship. They have to be addressed quickly and effectively, or the impact can snowball quickly.
- Broken trust: Maintaining trust is crucial, and any breaches can have a bigger impact. Given how crucial trust is in CNM relationships, it can also take longer to repair ruptures.
- Balancing act: Balancing the primary relationship in an open marriage with other partners can get tricky. Balancing feelings and needs can feel like a second job. Prioritizing the primary relationship is essential, or its health and stability may crumble.
- Time-consuming: Juggling multiple relationships takes time and can quickly overwhelm your calendar. Intentional planning is crucial if all parties are to feel fulfilled and respected.
- Stigma: Even with the uptick in CNM relationships, these couples still face judgment and misconceptions from others. Close friends and family members often can’t accept or understand, which can contribute to isolation or loneliness. This can also show up in situations such as work parties—how open are you with co-workers, and the potential impacts of that?
- Crash and burn: Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but the potential for hurt can be increased in CNM relationships, given the complexities that must be negotiated. As noted earlier, to maintain a CNM relationship, a couple must have superb communication, negotiation, and emotional intelligence skills.
Mythbusters
“Well, I heard…” is a very common phrase that CNM/ENM couples hear. To help dispel some of the mystery, let’s explore some of the myths about CNM and ENM relationships.
Myth: Open marriages are for unhappy couples
Reality: Many couples in open marriages report high levels of satisfaction and happiness in their primary relationship. The focus on emotional connection, strong communication skills, and fulfillment is often a strong factor.
Myth: Open marriages are a sign of commitment issues
Reality: A successful open marriage requires a high level of commitment, trust, and communication between partners. Open marriages without the consent of all parties are a sign of commitment issues; it’s likely the moniker “open marriage” is being used to cover up bad behavior.
Myth: Open marriages always end in divorce
Reality: Like any marriage, there is always a chance (due to controlled or uncontrolled circumstances) that it will end. Open marriages will succeed or fail based on various factors, but having an open marriage does not automatically mean your marriage is doomed. A study found that there was no difference in marital stability between sexually monogamous marriages and open marriages. Fun fact: A study found that higher education and outside work for women correlated with marital stability, no matter the marital arrangement (monogamous or open).
Things to consider before jumping into an open marriage
If this all feels right up your (and your partner’s) alley, here are some things to consider before taking the plunge into non-monogamy:
- Are your skills (and your partner’s) ready? Do you have the communication skills, emotional regulation, and personal motivation to enter into a relationship like this? Be honest! If you don’t think your skills (individually or as a couple) are ready, build up those skills before jumping in. Practice having weekly conversations to check in on your relationship, about feelings, or resolving ruptures.
- What if someone changes their mind? Talk through various contingencies or exit plans. What if you change your mind one month or 2 years in? What if your partner changes their mind? Are you both willing to return to a monogamous relationship? Don’t leave this up to chance–if you can’t agree, that’s a sign you both are not ready.
- What do we share? How much do you want to share with others in your lives? You should agree–one partner should not share more about your relationship arrangement if the other wants to keep that private.
- Discuss finances: Don’t forget to talk about this aspect of the relationship. It may seem like a non-issue at first… after all, what does finance have to do with it? But discuss what you each feel comfortable spending on other partners and dates. Do you expect (or other external partners) to cover living or other expenses? Don’t assume; make sure it’s part of the dialogue early on.
Yes, yes, don’t forget to consider a prenup
Last but certainly not least, don’t forget to consider a prenup. Even though open marriages aren’t necessarily more likely to end than regular marriages, considering a prenup is always a good idea. And remember, prenups aren’t just about protecting your ass(ets)… they’re about aligning yourself with your partner. Will you share a bank account? Will you get life insurance? How will you file taxes? Have you discussed retirement goals? All of these topics come up during the prenup process and can help ensure you and your partner start your marriage off on the right foot. Whether it’s an open marriage or not.
Last thoughts
Shailene Woodley told The New York Times about her previous open relationship: “There has to be a level of responsibility in any relationship dynamic, and that responsibility is simply honesty and communication and trust. Apart from that, it’s really none of our business what people choose to do with their lives.” Open marriages offer an alternative to traditional monogamous relationships and an opportunity for couples to design their own partnership. However, it does provide unique challenges that require careful consideration and management. At the end of the day, open dialogue, consent, clear boundaries, and mutual respect are key ingredients to a successful open marriage.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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