For many people, when they think of neglect, their minds go to the new stories: those worst-case scenarios when children are left alone without food or water for days or elderly adults are ignored and denied needed medical care.
But neglect can come in many forms, making it hard to identify, especially if you’re experiencing it. For married couples, neglect can sneak in through the form of emotional neglect. Emotional neglect, when left unattended, will erode a relationship’s foundation and can lead to other mental health concerns.
So, how does emotional neglect enter a marriage? If you’re experiencing it, how do you extract yourself from the situation? This article will help get you started by providing a broader understanding of how neglect can present, its impact, and strategies to help.
What is emotional neglect?
The American Psychological Association defines neglect as the failure to provide for a person’s basic needs in one’s care. Examples of emotional neglect are behaviors such as rejection or apathy, while other forms of neglect include withholding materials (food, clothing) or services like education or medical attention.
Emotional neglect in marriage refers to one partner’s failure to meet another’s emotional needs. This neglect is often not due to a lack of love or an intention to harm but due to a lack of emotional attunement, awareness, or effort to maintain an emotional connection. It’s subtle, but it impacts the marriage in big ways.
Key Note: If the neglect you are experiencing is more significant (such as there is an intention to harm), please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and services.
Examples of emotional neglect:
Here are some ways people can experience emotional neglect in a relationship or other environment.
- Lack of emotional responsiveness. No response or validation of the other partner’s emotional needs.
- Emotional unavailability. Consistently distant or disengaged from the relationship, a.k.a. “checked out.”
- Lack of effort to build emotional intimacy. Little to no effort to create or maintain an emotional and intimate connection.
- Unmet need for emotional support. When a partner fails to offer support during emotional turmoil or does not meet a request for emotional support.
These responses and behaviors can be unintentional or due to various reasons. Some of those reasons (like extreme workplace stress) may be valid, but that doesn’t make the impact any less significant on the marriage.
How does emotional neglect show up in marriages?
Emotional neglect is a sneaky, sneaky thing, often blending into everyday life that you may not immediately notice.
To understand emotional neglect a little bit more, take a moment now and ask yourself these questions:
- Do you and your partner share your feelings, fears, and desires (the ones no one or very few people know about)? Or is this a rare or non-existent event?
- Do you or your partner avoid difficult conversations?
- Is the majority of your conversations (with each other) on a superficial level? Like logistics, surface-level topics, or daily tasks (think “my day was fine” comments).
- Do you make bids for your partner’s affection or support when you’re feeling down or going through a rough emotional moment? And is the response either minimal or straight-up ignoring?
- Is the affection between you two significantly diminished? Either with affectionate phrases or a noticeable lack of hugging, kissing, or holding hands?
- Is one or both of you dismissive when the other partner expresses their emotion or concerns? Do they downplay or try to “one-up” the other by bringing in their own experiences and invalidating the other?
- Do you or you both feel alone even when you’re together?
Do these feel familiar? Do one or more of these describe your current marriage? If so, emotional neglect may be occurring in your relationship.
The impact of emotional neglect in a marriage
Emotional neglect, real or perceived, can impact an individual’s well-being and a marriage’s foundation. What are the ways it can impact you?
Common consequences of emotional neglect in a marriage include:
- Slow (or fast) decay of trust in the marriage.
- Increased emotional distance
- Increased loneliness
- Increased feelings of sadness or hopelessness
- Increased likelihood of an episode of anxiety or depression (if a partner has a history of mental health challenges)
- A “hit” on your self-confidence and lowered self-esteem
- Increased resentment that can come out as anger, initiation of arguments, or irritability
- Feeling unloved or undervalued
- Increased probability of emotional (and possibly physical) infidelity as partners seek out emotional validation with others.
- Increased potential for divorce
Helpful strategies to deal with emotional neglect in a marriage
The sooner you can identify and address emotional neglect, the better it is for your well-being and marriage.
The first step is to be honest and put everything on the table. Share your feelings, the personal impacts, and what you’d like to try and change together.
Why do this first? Knowing if you and your partner are on the same page helps you determine which strategies to try first. If you and your partner are on different pages about what is happening, there may be other strategies to focus on first.
Once you’re on the same page, you can move on to the second step, which includes the following strategies:
- Schedule open, regular communication. In these conversations, the focus is emotional connection—no problem-solving, daily scheduling, or narrating the day-to-day events. Dive deeper!
- Practice mindfulness. Enhancing your ability to be in the moment will help you be more attuned to your partner’s feelings and emotional needs.
- Express your emotional needs. Whether or not you believe your partner should know what you need, just assume they don’t and can’t. Over communicate your emotional state and need, and make requests. This transparency helps reduce misunderstandings.
- Increase small, physical connections. Remember, the main goal is to stop and reverse emotional neglect. Utilizing physical touches (such as a hug, holding hands, or a kiss on the forehead) can help rebuild an emotional connection.
- Schedule dates. For some, jumping straight into an emotional conversation can be difficult, especially if it has been neglected for some time. That’s okay! Start by spending time together intentionally – do an activity together (like a walk) or learn something new. This time together will help rebuild those connections and trust to start stepping into more emotional territory.
- Consider therapy. Couples or individual therapy can help identify emotional neglect, its impacts, and strategies (specifically for you) to strengthen your bond. It is a safe space to express your feelings, process the past, and look at the future.
What if you’re not on the same page as your partner? At the end of the day, you can only control your actions; you can make requests and share your POV, but they may still not agree or be in a position to meet your needs. Here are ways to support yourself while you work to get on the same page as your spouse:
- Take care of yourself. Set boundaries and engage in self-care. Even if your partner can’t or will not meet your needs, it does not mean you need to be okay with harm being done to you.
- Turn to your support system or build one. Call the calvary and lean on those you trust. Disclosing your feelings to others is cathartic and beneficial.
- Therapy. Individual therapy can help you prioritize and focus on your mental health and well-being. Couples therapy can be helpful as it’s a safe space with a professional to share what you need to share. Therapy can also be a place to explore and process your relationship and its future.
Final thoughts
Emotional neglect in a marriage is often subtle but can significantly impact both partners and the relationship as a whole. As time passes, the lack of emotional responsiveness, support, or connection can grow into feelings of loneliness and resentment and even increase the risk of divorce or infidelity. But don’t despair; there is hope! Identifying emotional neglect early and understanding ways to reverse the effects can help a couple heal together.
Honest communication, empathy, and a willingness to try can help partners nurture their emotional bond. For those struggling to bridge the gap alone, turning to support systems and professional guidance can provide a safe space to heal and decide what is best for you. It’s a real possibility that the effects of emotional neglect are too deep, and the best way forward is apart.
No matter what, you are now equipped with more knowledge to make the best decision possible.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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