Most of us grow up with a fairly specific picture of love: the feelings of butterflies, the grand romantic gestures, the late-night conversations that stretch on until sunrise, and the instant recognition of your soulmate the moment you meet them. For many, those highs become the definition of what love should feel like.
But what happens when we return to Earth? When those feelings shift or change form? It can be confusing—and for many people, it sparks questions like: Am I falling out of love? Is this the end? Is it supposed to feel this way?
“Falling out of love” is a phrase we all recognize, but it doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. For some, it’s emotional distance. For others, it’s a loss of desire or a change in passion. Because the concept is so vague, it often creates anxiety and misinterpretation for couples.
In this article, we’ll unpack what people really mean when they say they’ve fallen out of love, why it happens (psychologically, relationally, and even neurologically), and what options exist when you start to feel that drift.
What does “falling out of love” actually mean?
When people say they’ve fallen out of love, they’re usually referring to a shift in how connected, engaged, or emotionally safe they feel with their partner.
- Loss of emotional closeness: You no longer feel like your partner is the first person you want to turn to with good or bad news, and vice versa.
- Diminished desire: Physical intimacy feels more like an obligation than something you actively want or feel excited by.
- Emotional flatness: The relationship feels muted; conversations are rote, routines take over, and the spark feels absent.
- Growing indifference: Instead of arguing or seeking change, you start to feel apathetic. The absence of strong emotion (good or bad) becomes its own warning sign.
- Shifting priorities: Sometimes “falling out of love” reflects a deeper misalignment of values, goals, or lifestyles, where the relationship no longer feels like a fit for who you are becoming.
So, falling out of love can be about that loss of love or about how the love feels different in daily life.
What isn’t “falling out of love”?
Each person may define “falling out of love” differently, but in my clinical work, I find that many confuse it with other experiences. The most common are:
- The end of infatuation: Early-stage romance floods the brain with dopamine and oxytocin, which naturally levels out over time. The feeling is different, but that doesn’t mean the love is gone; it simply means it has shifted to something more sustainable.
- Emotional avoidance: When resentments or conflicts go unaddressed, they create distance. Love isn’t necessarily gone; it’s just buried behind unresolved barriers.
- Attachment injuries: Betrayal, neglect, or repeated disappointments erode safety and trust, which can make love feel diminished—but that reflects deeper relational wounds, not simply the absence of love.
So, “falling out of love” is less a single event and more an umbrella term people use to describe disconnection—sometimes temporary, sometimes long-term.
The role of time and familiarity
One big culprit? Time. In the early days of a relationship, everything feels new—every story, every touch, every shared experience is charged with excitement. Over time, you build familiarity and intimacy, which can feel comforting but also less thrilling compared to the initial intensity.
For some, love may genuinely fade with time, but more often it doesn’t just “die” on its own. What happens is that couples stop feeding the relationship with novelty and attention. Without intentional effort, even the strongest bonds can start to feel stagnant.
How conflict and avoidance contribute
Conflict in itself doesn’t end love. In fact, research by John Gottman shows that it’s not fighting, but rather how couples handle conflict, that predicts relationship breakdown. The real danger lies in patterns like stonewalling (when one partner emotionally withdraws and stops engaging). That kind of avoidance, along with unresolved conflict and criticism, erodes intimacy far more than open disagreements ever could.
Additionally, avoiding conflict can have a similarly significant impact. The more couples repeatedly avoid hard conversations, the more disconnected they’ll become. Resentment and loneliness can widen that emotional gap, until one or both partners describe that they’ve fallen out of love with each other.
Shifts in identity and values
Another factor? People change. Careers shift, identities evolve, families grow and restructure, and life challenges emerge. The way you aligned in your 20s may look very different from how you need to align in your 40s.
Staying aligned requires intention and ongoing effort. Sometimes, intentionally or not, partners’ paths diverge. It may feel like you’ve grown in opposite directions, or that one person has “stayed the same” while the other has changed “too much.”
When core values drift apart, it often leads to distress and disconnection. Left unspoken, those mismatches can quietly erode intimacy; but, when identified, discussed, and worked through together, they can also become opportunities for deeper understanding.
The neuroscience of falling out of love
While we may assume it’s our heart that is the central body part responsible for love, our brain drives so much of our interactions. How does our brain play a role in all this?
- Early-stage romance is a dopamine surge: In the honeymoon phase, your brain’s reward system lights up much like it does with addictive substances. Dopamine makes your partner feel exhilarated, novel, and magnetic.
- Oxytocin and vasopressin build attachment: Over time, these “bonding hormones” take center stage. They create feelings of security and comfort, rather than the adrenaline rush and dopamine that can bring. This shift is healthy and needed to help make the feeling of love more sustainable.
- Cortisol and stress erode connection: Stress and conflict can trigger (you guessed it) the release of stress hormones. These hormones then interfere with oxytocin, potentially dampening desire.
Studies have used brain scans to demonstrate a fading effect; using fMRI, researchers found that couples in long-term happy relationships still exhibit reward-system activation when looking at their partner, whereas those in unhappy or disconnected relationships show reduced activation.
Your brain can actually stop lighting up for your partner if the emotional bond weakens. All in all, falling out of love isn’t just psychological. It’s a fundamental neurochemical shift. But it can be influenced by how we interact and care for the relationship.
When trauma or betrayal plays a role
Falling out of love isn’t always slow and subtle. Sometimes it’s triggered by an acute event: a lie, a betrayal, or an affair. And in these moments, while the love may feel like it’s being replaced by anger or sadness, it’s really that the trust and safety have collapsed.
For many, love can return with (hard) repair work and therapy. For others, the betrayal or violation is too great, and that’s when that feeling of falling out of love is really the impossibility of rebuilding what has been broken.
The myth of effortless love
The Disney movies really set us up for failure, because true love (whatever that means) is not easy. You don’t just meet the right person, know immediately, and ride off into happily ever after. This myth of love being effortless and all-fulfilling creates more anxiety and panic when distance (even normal amounts) shows up in the relationship.
The myth also glosses over the ups and downs of love. Love isn’t static; it requires attention, repair, curiosity, and yes, effort. Just like our physical health declines without maintenance, relational health does too. What do you think would happen if couples understood that “falling out of love” can sometimes be a warning sign rather than a death sentence of the relationship?
Signs that it may not be permanent
So, when is that feeling of falling out of love more of a warning sign? Most often, couples will also share:
- You still feel flashes of warmth or attraction (no matter how brief they might be).
- You find yourself longing for things to be better rather than feeling indifferent.
- You can remember fondly why you fell in love in the first place, even if it feels far away.
These are indications that the bond isn’t gone—it’s just buried under layers that can be unpacked.
What you can do if you feel like you’re falling out of love
If you’re noticing that disconnection with your partner, hold off on assuming the love has fully disappeared and hold space for some curiosity. Ask yourself:
- Is this exhaustion, stress, or resentment masquerading as loss of love?
- Have you talked openly with your partner? Avoiding the subject rarely helps. Naming the drift together is often the first step to repairing it.
- Have you tried reintroducing some novelty to the relationship? Try new experiences, trips, or even new routines. The brain craves novelty to reignite dopamine.
- What have you tried to do to work through resentments? Old wounds that never healed often masquerade as lost love. Supports like therapy can also help you both unpack this.
- Have you considered other individual factors? Stressful events or changes in your lives? Depression, trauma, or burnout can numb feelings of love across the board, not just toward your partner.
Remember, feeling disconnected doesn’t always mean love is gone; it may just be a sign that the relationship needs attention, repair, and renewed care to thrive again.
When it really might be the end
Of course, not every relationship is meant to last forever. Sometimes “falling out of love” is a signal that values no longer align, the emotional injuries are too deep, or one or both partners no longer want—or are able—to rebuild. Remember when we discussed research on couples and conflict earlier? If you’re experiencing or engaging in persistent contempt, repeated stonewalling, or a consistent unwillingness to repair after conflict, these patterns are strong predictors that the relationship may no longer be sustainable.
Accepting that reality is painful, but it can also create space for healthier futures for both of you. Deciding if it’s truly the end requires time for introspection, honest conversations with your partner, and support from trusted individuals—friends, family, or a therapist.
Final thoughts: Love changes, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone
“Falling out of love” sounds final, but often, it’s really about change. In love, our brains shift from dopamine-fueled highs to oxytocin-grounded sustainability. And it’s also a sign that there may be disconnection in the relationship, perhaps due to life stressors, unresolved conflict, or changing identities.
Love isn’t meant to stay frozen in its honeymoon state. It’s intended to grow, evolve, and sometimes challenge us. If you feel like you’re falling out of love, it may be an ending—but it may also be an invitation to dig deeper, repair, and rediscover.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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