Making decisions about your legacy can be emotionally charged, especially when it involves family dynamics and differing opinions. From conflicts among siblings to conflicts between newlyweds, there is a lot of potential for conflict in the realm of estate planning. This article offers guidance on how to address common estate planning conflicts with sensitivity and understanding, ensuring your wishes are honored while preserving family harmony.
What is estate planning?
Will creation, setting up trusts, appointing guardians, choosing medical proxies, and designating beneficiaries for your accounts are all different ways of estate planning. More broadly, it organizes your financial affairs and decides how your assets will be managed and distributed when you pass away. You can start estate planning any time, no matter your age! (Well, as long as you’re 18+). It’s a good idea to give you peace of mind and protect your loved ones.
Common estate planning conflict scenarios
Let’s walk through the various family conflict scenarios that may arise during estate planning.
#1: Keep it in the family
The Conflict: Mom wants to devise assets for her children; she’s worried that their kids or spouses will sell them.
The Solution:
What is driving the worry? Identifying the key triggers for the primary emotion can help guide which actions to take and how to implement them. Common drivers may be a fear that her legacy will be lost, a distrust that her children will appreciate the heirlooms or a knowledge of past actions by her children.
Decide how much rationale you want to share. No one can force you to share why or how you divide your assets; that’s entirely in your control! Value transparency? Want strong boundaries? You get to decide.
From a legal perspective:
- Mom also has the option to decide (from a legal perspective) what she wants to do. She can set up a trust to outline what specifically happens to her assets. She can require that it is not sold and provide the funds to cover the financial strain and expenses that may occur.
Takeaway: As beneficiaries of an heirloom, take time to pause and think about how you want to handle heirloom items. As the testator (the person making the estate plan), you have options, such as trusts, in which you can specifically say what happens to certain heirlooms, including NOT selling them.
#2: Sibling squabbles
The Conflict: Dad says that the three children will share his antique car collection. One of the kids is a car fanatic, while the other two could care less. The siblings fight over who should get to keep the cars and/or if they should sell them.
The Solution:
Remember, these are your belongings, and you have complete control over what you do with them and how much you want to explain your rationale. Take time to make an intentional choice; this will help decrease any sense of being “forced” or resentment.
If you want to share your choice or rationale, do it with everyone. Don’t start a game of telephone! Be creative—a meeting can be in person, on the phone, or with video calls (or even a combination). And don’t forget to strongly consider a neutral third party to mediate (e.g., financial advisor, family therapist, mediator) to help out as needed.
From a legal perspective:
- Dad can always create a trust to outline (precisely) what happens to his car collection to circumvent misassumptions, arguments, or disagreements among his children once he masses.
- For example, John gets to use the car collection, but he may not sell it. If John no longer wants to keep the car collection, he must sell it and share the proceeds evenly with his siblings.
Key Takeaway: Estate planning is about balancing emotions and logistics. Be clear and upfront to avoid misunderstandings, use self-care or a neutral third party to ease stress, and consider trust to ensure your wishes are honored and conflicts are minimized.
#3: Parental control
The Conflict: Mom wants her newly engaged/married son to consider a prenup/postnup before she devises any assets to him because she’s worried her hard-earned estate will pass to a potential future ex-spouse. She wants him to ensure everything is separate in their postnup, including inheritances.
The Solution:
It’s okay and normal to feel conflicted in these situations. You can love and care for a child-in-law and pragmatically plan for various outcomes. Both things can be true! Prepare for a potential emotional rollercoaster, though. Think back to other emotional or stressful situations–what drained you the most? What helped? Incorporate beneficial practices or identify those strategies (e.g., support system, therapy, exercise, journaling).
Remember, this is a request you are making to your child. At the end of the day, you can’t control anyone but yourself; you can explain and ask your son to create or include this in a pre or postnup, but he may disagree. Then, you can decide what you want to do with your assets and estate if that occurs.
And finally, be open to collaborating with your son (and ideally your child-in-law) about creating an agreement with which you can all be on board with. How do you do that? Start an honest and open conversation about your fears and goals, and then listen (openly) to your son’s reactions and questions.
From a legal perspective:
- Encourage your son to explore a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement to protect family assets like inheritances, ensuring clarity and fairness for both spouses. The key word is “encourage!”
- Consult an estate planning attorney to create or update tools like trusts to safeguard your assets while allowing flexibility for future changes.
- Regularly review and update estate planning documents to reflect significant life events like marriage, divorce, or new grandchildren.
Key Takeaway: Balancing emotional and legal considerations is essential when planning for family dynamics, especially when it concerns in-laws and discussing emotional topics such as divorce. Open communication, thoughtful collaboration, and transparent legal tools like trusts or prenuptial agreements can help protect relationships and assets while minimizing future conflicts.
#4: The medical proxy
The Conflict: Dad is facing a serious illness and named his medical proxy as his oldest son. There is conflict within the family about this decision because people don’t believe the oldest son is the best person to make decisions on Dad’s behalf.
The Solution:
Acknowledge the tension and create space for family members to express their concerns and feelings without judgment. With empathy, they validate their concerns and reinforce who will make the ultimate decision – their father.
You should also go into the conversations being knowledgeable about what a medical proxy does and what they don’t. Explicit knowledge can help clear any misconceptions from festering.
Don’t forget to help family members find support and space to process all the feelings that are likely occurring. This can be with friends, other family members, or therapists. Having a seriously ill family member brings up all sorts of emotions that can impact a person; those feelings may make a person act or think in a way they may not have otherwise.
Remember, no decision is final until it’s needed. Dad can change his proxy if he believes it’s necessary or if family discussions lead to a better understanding of his intentions.
From a legal perspective:
- Dad should review his medical power of attorney document with an attorney to confirm that it accurately reflects his wishes and complies with state laws.
- He can also create a living will with written instructions outlining specific medical preferences or clarify decision-making criteria to guide the proxy and ease concerns if appropriate.
Key Takeaway: Clear communication and legally sound documentation are vital when naming a medical proxy. Respecting Dad’s autonomy while addressing family concerns can reduce conflict and ensure his wishes are honored during critical moments.
Final tips for dealing with family conflict while estate planning
Estate planning might be daunting, especially with family conflict on the horizon, but with these strategies, you can navigate family conflicts as you prepare for your future. Here are a few final tips to leave you with some general strategies to handle this type of conflict:
- Communicate Early and Often: Don’t wait for conflicts to arise. Discuss your goals and values early in the process.
- Stay United: Approach family conflicts as a team, presenting a unified front.
- Seek Professional Help: Neutral third parties can provide clarity and defuse tensions. Marriage counselors or financial advisors are great suppers!
- Set Boundaries: Discuss and align on boundaries that protect your relationship and support each other in maintaining them.
At the end of the day, creating an estate plan is in the power of the creator, and it is within their right to make decisions that suit them the best. Don’t forget to reach out to a lawyer to ensure your documents are in tip-top shape.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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