Let’s talk about postnuptial agreements. You know, the prenup’s lesser-known but equally beneficial sibling. If you’ve ever thought about bringing up the idea to your spouse, you might be wrestling with the fear that could easily be the title of a viral Reddit post in the AITA subreddit: Am I the Asshole for Wanting a Postnup?
Short answer? Nope. Longer answer? Still no, but let’s dig into the why so you can help quiet that nagging inner voice. And, let’s be honest—there is probably at least one person in your life who will disagree, and we want you to have all the confidence to ignore their opinion.
First, do you know what a postnup really is?
A postnuptial agreement (postnup) is a legally binding contract between spouses that outlines how assets, debts, and other financial matters will be handled if the marriage ends—either through divorce or death (sorry to be morbid). It’s essentially a prenup but completed after you’ve said, “I do.”
People get postnups for all sorts of reasons: adding another action item in the wedding planning process would have sent you over the edge. Or you recently took over your family business (to your surprise). Maybe there was infidelity, and as part of the healing process, you’re looking for a way to show your commitment and make a partner feel protected. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve both realized that financial clarity is always a beneficial tool for creating a strong foundation and decreasing any future stress.
But isn’t that… Kinda unromantic?
Ah, yes, the romance argument. This is one of the most deeply ingrained cultural myths—that romance should avoid any connection with “tough” or “realistic” topics. Here’s the truth: romance is what you make it. The most romantic things are when you feel the most connected, emotionally and physically. Conversations about your life goals (financial or not) can be romantic! And even if they aren’t, they can help pave the way to reducing stress so you can both focus on what you find romantic.
At the end of the day, if challenges overwhelm your marriage, no amount of romance will save it. A postnup isn’t about betting on divorce—it’s about protecting both of you, no matter what happens. It’s the financial equivalent of having a will: nobody likes to think about worst-case scenarios, but we plan for them anyway. So, think of strategies like this as a protective measure, a vitamin for your marriage’s health.
So, why do people freak out over postnups?
Money is weird; more specifically, money in relationships can be weird. Money is always tied to personal values, and that shifts from one person to another. Money is also interwoven into past experiences (childhood, past relationships) and societal expectations, which heavily color our beliefs.
Postnups can also poke at the vulnerable spots in a marriage, which is natural. The more we value something, the more we open ourselves to uncomfortable things such as fear, loss, jealousy, or pain. When postnups (or even the idea of a postnup) are brought up without the care and attention they require, they can trigger these pain points. Thoughts like, “They don’t trust me” or “They’re planning an escape route” can crop up, shifting the vibe to defensiveness rather than collaborative conversations.
Why do you want a postnup?
What are the reasons you feel a postnup is a beneficial tool for your marriage? Be transparent and honest with yourself. For many people, a postnup is brought up because:
- Financial protection: You or your spouse have significant assets, inheritance, or business interests that need to be safeguarded. You may not have had time to discuss this before or have the motivation to do so now.
- Debt concerns: One of you has taken on substantial debt (or disclosed previous debt), and you want to ensure financial responsibility is clearly outlined.
- Changing financial dynamics: Maybe one of you left the workforce, received a big promotion, or came into an unexpected windfall of wealth. A postnup can help rebalance financial fairness.
- Family pressure: Sometimes, parents or other relatives push for legal protection when large sums of money or family businesses are involved.
- Trust-building: If a trust-impacting event—financial or otherwise—has occurred, a postnup can be a way to rebuild trust with clear commitments.
- Marriage reinforcement or stress relief: A postnup can strengthen the relationship by clarifying financial expectations and preventing future disputes.
Each of these is a valid reason for wanting a postnup. As is the fear that your marriage may not make it. Let’s be clear—this is not the only reason postnups are brought up. The desire to protect yourself and minimize conflict in the (possibly) near future can be a substantial factor. No matter what your reason for wanting a postnup, you’re NTA if they reflect authentic concerns and situations.
How to bring up a postnup (NTA-style)
People can make this mistake. Your rationale for a postnup may not make you an a-hole, but how you initiate the conversation and interact with your partner throughout the process could steer you into YTA territory.
- Prioritize collaboration: Instead of starting with your wants and needs, open the conversation with the idea of a postnup and ask your partner their thoughts, feelings, and goals. This helps highlight that this is a discussion and that both your needs will be considered.
- Give it time: Don’t rush the process. Just because you have gone through the thought process and find value in a postnup, don’t assume your partner will get to that same place quickly. Validate their timeline and allow them time to process.
- Acknowledge feelings: Feelings and actions are different. You can validate your partner’s feelings and disagree with their rationale. This tactic can help you both support your emotional experiences and have needed conversations.
- Share information: Share any research you’ve done on postnups so you can both better understand it. Brainstorm questions and look up answers together. Learning together helps make this a collaborative process and decreases any feelings of mistrust when you have the same information.
- Be ready for questions: Your spouse might have concerns. That’s okay! Listen, validate, and answer their questions. Balking at your partner’s questions can give the unspoken message that you’ve decided or are hiding something from them. Even offer to meet with an expert (e.g., attorney, financial advisor, or couples therapist) together to get expert guidance.
- Avoid blaming, criticizing, or being defensive: These reactions are more likely to stifle beneficial discussions and leave everyone with a bad taste in their mouths.
You can find more communication strategies here.
Final Thoughts
A postnup isn’t a sign of distrust—it’s a sign of thoughtful planning. If your marriage is solid, a postnup won’t hurt it. If your marriage has challenges, a postnup won’t cause them—it might even help address them. The real red flag isn’t discussing financial clarity; it’s avoiding these conversations altogether. Wanting a postnup doesn’t make you an a-hole. It makes you an adult who understands that love and legal protections aren’t mutually exclusive.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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