For most, the idea of a postnuptial agreement (or postnup) is tangled with feelings of mistrust and assumptions that signal instability in a marriage. However, the opposite is true; when done intentionally and with care, postnups are surprisingly powerful tools for building trust in a marriage. Take a chance to challenge your assumptions, and explore how a postnup can be an effective tool for you and your spouse to build a more trusting partnership.
What is a postnup?
A postnup is a legal agreement made between spouses during marriage. Like a prenuptial agreement, it outlines how assets, debts, and other financial matters will be handled in case of divorce, separation, or death. These important matters and decisions shouldn’t be left up to chance!
Postnups aren’t just for worst-case scenarios or marriages on the rocks. They can also be for couples who want to create marital harmony, clarify financial boundaries, address changes since your wedding, and get you both realigned regarding goals (financially and in life).
So… How do postnups build trust?
Now that we know what a postnup is, let’s explore how it can build trust. From a psychological perspective, trust is (mainly) built by two factors: honesty and accountability. This is done through our words and our actions.
Completing a postnuptial agreement (the right way) requires both spouses to focus on the key ingredients of trust, even if the scope is confined to their finances. But if you think about it, our finances are tied to so much more—our values, life experiences, goals, and fears.
Exposure to Vulnerability
For many, money is more than just the dollar amount; it’s tied to closely held values—such as security, freedom, success, or self-worth.
Looking through this lens, the postnup discussion requires each spouse to be vulnerable with each other. In these discussions, each partner is asked to share sensitive information and/or expose “weaknesses.” How you respond to your partner’s vulnerability can either build trust or slowly erode it.
For example, say your spouse shares that they incurred credit card debt over the last year when they were out of work. With empathetic questioning, they reluctantly disclosed that they felt guilty for not being able to contribute to the shared finances in a way they strived to, and so they used their credit card more than they wanted to.
How the other spouse responds sets the tone for subsequent conversations. Responding in judgemental ways (intentionally or not) shuts down future vulnerability and impacts the level of trust in the relationship. Responding with validation and curiosity provides positive reinforcement to your spouse, making it more likely they will continue to be vulnerable with you. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss better responses or different actions your partner could have taken, but that is much more productive after your partner feels heard.
Practice Open Communication
Open communication doesn’t happen overnight, and being married doesn’t automatically mean you both have become expert communicators with each other. Communication is also a “muscle” that must be used frequently and consistently, or it’ll atrophy (no matter how strong).
Postnups provide ample opportunities to practice open communication as you discuss:
- Income, savings, and debts
- Career goals and future financial plans (house anyone?)
- Shared and individual responsibilities
- Life plans that tie into financial matters (e.g., starting a family)
Tackling these conversations, no matter where you are in your marriage, allows you to address potential misunderstandings, misassumptions, and worries before they escalate.
These conversations then build trust because, one, you have covered a variety of topics, and the possibility of an “unknown” has decreased, and, two, you know the other partner is able and has brought up complex issues if the need arises.
Overcoming Challenges
Postnup discussions are not without challenging moments. However, these should be reframed as opportunities to practice conflict resolution. Deep trust is often built on the other side of the conflict; overcoming a challenge together, even with opposing viewpoints, helps establish that each partner is committed. And what shows commitment more than disagreeing and still finding it important to discuss and compromise?
Financial Transparency
Although it may not be very romantic, money is one of the most common sources of relationship tension. Creating a postnup means laying everything on the table: bank accounts, investments, debts, and financial obligations. This transparency, while scary, reassures both spouses that there are no “hidden” agendas and that they’re both in alignment.
And this is crucial no matter how long you’ve been married. Don’t let complacency convince you that these discussions should be occurring at a consistent cadence!
Shared Responsibility
Remember that second ingredient in trust? Accountability? A postnup can help ensure each spouse knows what they are accountable for. In creating one, couples can and should discuss their financial roles and responsibilities in the relationship, how that can change, and how each partner can support each other.
This is a collaborative process (the postnup and a marriage), and a postnup provides the opportunity and motivation to have an explicit conversation about roles and responsibilities. Focus on the current responsibilities and roles and how these may shift in other chapters of your lives. Knowing that your spouse is in agreement and backing you up as you pursue individual and couple goals builds a strong foundation of trust.
The TLDR
Postnups help improve trust by:
- Addressing Unspoken Fears
- Practicing vulnerability
- “Kiss and make-up” (a.k.a., practicing conflict resolution)
- Protecting against “what ifs”
- Encouraging alignment
How to make the postnup process positive
To help make the process as seamless as possible (and not a chore), here are some ideas to make the process more positive and productive:
Be a team
Be clear and intentional about this collaborative process in which you both are on the same side to achieve the same goal. While you may have different viewpoints, requests, or methods, the key is to remember you’re teammates, not opponents. Use language like “I want us both to feel secure,” “I think this is the best way for us to protect what we’re both building, and I want to hear what you think.”
Check in with each other often
Don’t assume you know what your spouse thinks or feels—ask them! And ask them often. It’s better to check in more than less. Ask open-ended questions; for example, ask your spouse, “How are you feeling about this?” versus “Are you upset about this?” And then listen attentively.
Timing is everything
Find the right times to have these conversations (especially for initial discussions and difficult sections)—times when you can be fully present, are not rushed, and are in a space you’re both comfortable with. Timing also refers to when to continue the discussion or take a break; when emotions are running high, don’t hesitate to take a break and resume later.
Lean on professionals
Pulling in support doesn’t mean you failed or can’t do it alone. It means you’ve thought ahead and realized this will help ensure success! Working with a lawyer, mediator specializing in family law, or a couple’s therapist can ensure the agreement is fair, that both spouses fully understand the terms, and you are communicating effectively.
Final thoughts on postnups improving relationships
While a postnup might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about building trust in a marriage, when you break down the nature of the discussions couples will have in the process, it’s clear the potential postnups have! By fostering vulnerability, open communication, and shared responsibility, a postnuptial agreement can be a practical tool for navigating the complexities of married life. Rather than being a red flag that triggers doubt, it can symbolize mutual respect, care, and a commitment to transparency.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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