Postnuptial agreements (postnups) can benefit a married couple mutually; they define their financial arrangements and clarify expectations. And postnups often trigger a (valid) emotional response and, sometimes, a strong emotional resistance.
Whether you’re proposing the agreement or navigating your partner’s hesitation, handling this situation with care, emotional awareness, and open communication is crucial. This guide will walk you through strategies to approach postnuptial agreements thoughtfully and collaboratively.
What does resistance look like?
Resistance to a postnup typically stems from emotional, relational, or practical concerns. The first step is to understand what might be driving the hesitation. Here are common (big-picture) reasons for resistance:
- Emotional concerns. Core fears, worries, and beliefs about the world and themselves can be triggered. For example, the belief that a postnup signals the inevitable end of the marriage may trigger core fears of abandonment.
- Relational fears. The process of creating a postnup (i.e., talking about finances and hard decisions) can trigger anxiety. Your partner may fear that discussing these topics can create conflict, bring to light deeper marital issues, or cause ruptures that can’t be repaired.
- Practical worries. Misunderstandings about how postnups work, their enforceability, or what they entail can cause a person to shut down the possibility before learning more.
Recognizing the root of your partner’s resistance will help you constructively approach your discussions.
Step-by-step guide to handling postnup resistance
Step 1: Create a Safe Space
These are beneficial but challenging conversations, so you’ll have to set yourselves up for success. Be intentional about where and when you have them, and ensure they maximize safety and collaboration!
- Time: Pick the right time—when you have ample time, and you and your partner are not rushed or stressed.
- Location: Find a space that is private and comfortable, especially for your partner.
- Use language that promotes collaboration and mutual benefit: Words like “we,” “together,” and “us” highlight that the postnup’s goal is to protect and benefit you both. For example, “I think having clear agreements can help us both feel more secure and aligned.”
- “I” statements: Use “I” to share your feelings, thoughts, and perspective. This helps de-escalate situations and avoid blaming or judgmental tones (even if they aren’t intentional). For example, “I feel hurt that you might believe I would do anything to hurt you. And if I’m hurt, I just shut down, but I want to be able to talk to you about this” vs. “You always believe the worst about me, why can’t you just listen to my side of things?”
- Feelings check-in: Start and end the conversation with a feelings check-in. This will increase your understanding of the other person’s emotional experience. Don’t try to solve or change the other person’s feelings—just check the emotional “temperature.” You can use tools like a feeling wheel to help!
Step 2: Elucidate the Drivers
Take time to understand what is driving the resistance, and remember, it can be more than one reason. How do you do that?
- Ask for their point of view. And listen.
- Ask what they’re feeling as they think or speak about postnups. Fear, anger, anxiety, calm?
- Ask if postnups make them think of anything in their past, such as past relationships, their parents’ relationships, past financial hardships, or relational betrayals.
Step 3: Address the (Main) Driver
Don’t try to address everything all at once. Focus on the biggest driver of the resistance, which is likely tied to emotions or personal experience. Use empathy to navigate these experiences with your partner and self-compassion for yourself.
- Acknowledge the fears in a validating statement: You don’t have to agree with or understand them, but you can let your partner know you care and are listening to them. Example: “I hear that you’re scared, and I want to help.”
- Be curious about their feelings: Ask them what they’re feeling and what is maintaining or exacerbating that feeling. Don’t assume you know because their answer may surprise you. For example: “How are you feeling today about this?” “What do you think is bringing up that feeling or making it worse?”
- Ask how to support them: It could be listening, a hug, or active problem-solving. For example: “What could help right now?” or “What do you need right now?”
- Reframe: Think of the situation differently to help change the emotional experience. For example: “What if we looked at this as an opportunity to have the conversations we planned to have before the wedding but got too busy?”
- Be compassionate about (emotional) pain points: We all come into relationships with our own baggage, so work around your partner’s triggers as much as possible.
Step 4: Learn About Postnups Together
Assumptions and misunderstandings about postnups can fuel resistance. Do the research together and find data to fight those misassumptions. Common things to focus on are:
- Postnups are not a sign of distrust. Postnups are proactive tools for financial clarity. Think about car insurance; you don’t buy insurance assuming or trying to get into a car accident. You buy it so you know if you get into an accident, you are clear on what is covered and what is not.
- You decide what is included and excluded. While there are general templates for postnups, you and your spouse have control over what you want to include and exclude. Consider your current reality and what you can see in your future (e.g., inheritances, life goals). If you only want to address one issue–you can do that.
- Postnups are meant to protect both spouses. It’s up to you both to ensure the contract focuses on fairness and works to avoid possible future conflicts.
You might say, “Postnups aren’t just about worst-case scenarios; they’re about making decisions together when we’re both in a good place.”
Step 5: Collaborate, Don’t Dictate
Resistance often lessens when people feel they have a (true) voice in the process.
- Invite feedback and listen. Ask, “What concerns you most about this idea?” and listen without interrupting.
- Be flexible and adaptive. Be open to changes throughout the process. Modify terms and explore suggestions to achieve your end and mutual goal—a fair postnup.
- Don’t try to do it alone. Explore a mediator or attorney who can, with their expertise, suggest compromises, options, and support in addressing misunderstandings.
Step 6: Identify a Shared Goal
Resistance can decrease when you have the same goal for the postnup process. Ground your discussions in these shared goals, and check in frequently to be sure you’re aligned. This might be feeling protected, consideration for future family members (i.e., children), and/or financial clarity.
Step 7: Be Patient & Respect Boundaries
What can make resistance worse? Pushing against it when someone isn’t ready. Instead, rolling with the resistance makes your spouse more likely to engage. How can you do that? Try:
- Don’t rush decisions. Give each other time to process the discussion and be open to deciding at a later, agreed-upon time.
- Give each other space. We all process information at different rates, so allow time and cognitive space to do so. Be sure conversations about postnups don’t consume all your discussion; if necessary, designate specific times to discuss everything postnup-related and keep it off-limits for other times together.
- Check-in. As you both progress, periodically check in to see what is working and what is not. Maybe you didn’t need to limit the discussion time, but as you talk more about finances, your spouse is becoming more triggered, so now it could be beneficial to set a 30-minute limit before you both pause for the day.
- Hit pause. If emotions are rising or the conversation feels unproductive, take a break. Don’t feel pressure or pressure each other to “push through” the conversations; doing so will more likely cause setbacks.
Step 8: Be Curious When It’s More
If your partner remains vehemently opposed, explore whether the resistance reflects broader relationship issues.
- Are there trust issues beyond the prenup that need to be addressed? Have there been recent breaches of trust?
- Is there a consistent avoidance of financial discussions? Could this be contextual, tied to something specific (e.g., recent debt or job insecurity), or something long-standing?
- Other unresolved challenges or difficult dynamics in the relationship? Or dynamics in broader family relationships (e.g., in-laws).
In such cases, couples therapy may help uncover and address underlying concerns. A therapist can be a vital support if the question about overall compatibility arises.
Final thoughts on handling resistance to a postnup
Resistance to a postnup is not unheard of; it’s a common and understandable reaction! Handling resistance to a postnup requires empathy, open communication, and patience. In doing so, you can navigate the process collaboratively and approach the topic as a partnership-strengthening opportunity rather than a point of contention.
Remember, the goal of a postnup should reflect what you both need and want. Ideally, the process and the end result will foster trust, clarity, and alignment in your marriage. By addressing concerns thoughtfully and showing a willingness to adapt, you can turn resistance into understanding—and ensure your relationship remains your top priority.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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