Marriage isn’t static; it evolves, just as people do. The relationship you had on your wedding day won’t be the same as the relationship you have five, ten, or twenty years later. Life events, career changes, children… just life in general will shape and challenge your bond and relationship.
Throughout your marriage, you’ll also have a variety of discussions, some that are joyful and others that may catch you off guard. For some, it can stir up big emotions when their spouse suddenly requests a postnuptial agreement (aka a postnup). But before jumping to conclusions, let’s slow it down and explore what it means for your relationship.
Why does your wife want a postnup?
You’re not a mind reader, but you likely have a clue about what’s driving your wife’s request. Maybe she’s done some of the legwork for you and told you directly why she wants a postnup now.
If not, consider the following reasons why she may be asking for one:
- How would you describe your marriage right now? Solid, struggling, or dealing with a specific stressor?
- Have you and your wife ever spoken about a postnup? What were those conversations like?
- Have you and your wife ever discussed a prenuptial agreement (prenup)? How did those conversations go?
- Has there been infidelity from either partner in the marriage?
- Has anything significantly changed in either of your lives? Think: Financial change, career change, or family planning change.
When a postnup makes sense
Let’s be clear – a request for a postnup does not mean a divorce is imminent. There are lots of good reasons a postnup comes up in a relationship. Those good reasons for a postnup can include:
- Significant changes in circumstance (New children, family changes, career changes, financial changes)
- A need (new or otherwise) for financial security
- An agreement for a prenup, but given the timeframe, you both weren’t able to complete one before the marriage
Remember! This is not an exhaustive list, and, for each couple, there may be other reasons that a postnup makes sense that aren’t true for other people.
Situations where a postnup is a red flag
So, when should you worry? There are situations when a postnup signifies bigger issues in the relationship. Some situations when a postnup may be a relationship red flag are:
- When a postnup is contemplated as an alternative to divorce
- When there is suspected infidelity and a postnup is brought up
- When a postnup is clearly one-sided
- When there is any level of duress or coercion
How to approach these conversations
How you (and your wife) approach the conversation can greatly impact the results. To help you navigate a potentially challenging discussion, here is a quick guide:
Process your emotions
It’s almost guaranteed that when your wife asked you for a postnup, some strong emotions arose. And this is totally normal! Even in the most solid of marriages, a request like this can bring up worries, fears, frustration, and anger… and you’re experiencing those emotions because you care. But don’t let your emotions make you act in ways that are not helpful. Take the time now to process those emotions.
Here are some ways you can process your emotions:
- Allow yourself space to feel all those feelings
- Identify and name the emotions that came up
- Notice which was the strongest
- Explore why you may be feeling the way you feel. Is it due to other things in the relationship? How was the request brought up? Other life stressors you’re dealing with?
- You can process your feelings alone or with a trusted family member or friend.
Processing emotions increases emotional awareness, prevents (unproductive) emotional outbursts, helps you gain perspectives, and helps you regain emotional balance.
Hear her out
When you’re in a good emotional headspace, intentionally listen to your wife’s request and rationale. Here’s how:
- Start the conversation off with genuine curiosity. For example, It would be really helpful for me to understand your thinking on why this could be good for us.
- Listen actively
- Minimize interruptions
- Ask questions. If this is hard, set a goal—you aren’t allowed to share your thoughts or reactions until you ask your wife at least five questions.
- Reflect on what you’re hearing to make sure there are no miscommunications.
Hearing her out helps you gain clarity on her perspective, foster emotional safety, improve communication, reduce misunderstandings, and build emotional connections.
Share your POV
Now it’s your turn to give your wife a glimpse of what’s happening for you. Here’s how you can effectively share your point of view:
- Start by sharing your emotions
- Share what questions you have
- Share what worries and fears you have
- Share where you (honestly) are right now regarding the postnup
- Then, share what you believe might be next or what you need to feel more comfortable about or to continue with the process.
Pro tip: frame this as requests and open collaboration with your partner versus absolutes.
Sharing your point of view helps you to express your emotions clearly, acknowledge your fears and concerns with your wife, provide her clarity about your experience, be honest about your current stance, and collaborate on the next steps.
Consider support
Postnups can stir up unresolved tensions or concerns in the relationship. Bringing in a neutral third party (who knows what they’re doing) can be helpful! You can bring in resources like a couple’s therapist or a mediator. These supporters can help you navigate difficult discussions, improve communication strategies, and make decisions together.
Keep your marriage strong
The postnup process can be a tricky subject, but it doesn’t have to damage your marriage irreparably. With the right approach and strategies, you can make it through. Here are some tips on keeping your marriage strong:
- Remember, you are still a team: Keep that at the front of your mind in these conversations. Approach your discussions as a joint effort to secure both your futures, rather than one partner protecting themselves and planning for a divorce.
- Be transparent: Focus on being as honest as possible throughout the process. Talk about your feelings, worries, and questions. Talk about your finances. Talk about your dreams and plans.
- Don’t rush: Give yourselves time to consider the postnup agreement carefully and to have these conversations. You want both partners to be as comfortable as possible.
- Reframe the experience: Rather than looking at this experience in a negative light, reframe the whole experience as an opportunity to grow as a couple. No matter what you both end up deciding (to get a postnup or not), you can use these discussions to:
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- Practice communication strategies
- Share your financial priorities
- Share your dreams and goals
- Share your goals
- Work on your conflict resolution skills
Final thoughts on why your wife wants you to get a postnup
A request from your wife for a postnuptial agreement can feel out of left field and stir up all sorts of emotions. However, it doesn’t necessarily need to cause alarm or division in your marriage. It can be an excellent opportunity to deepen your connection through honest (but hard) conversations.
All in all, the most important takeaway is to approach the process with curiosity, openness, and collaboration. Be compassionate to yourself and allow time to process all the feelings that may arise. Rather than viewing the postnup request as a threat or a sign of trouble, reframe it as an opportunity to explore your values, financial goals, and future as a couple. In the end, you’ll create a stronger foundation for your marriage.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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