Congratulations—you’re engaged! As you dive into wedding plans and honeymoon dreams, don’t overlook the logistical steps of merging your lives. The joyous occasion won’t be lessened by having needed conversations because they set you both up for success as a couple.
And with that, let’s get to the real talk – prenuptial agreements. While it may not feel romantic or, based on misconceptions, feel like the opposite of celebrating your union, talking about a prenup early on in the process can help build and strengthen the foundation of your marriage.
What is a prenup, really?
A prenup is a legal agreement between two people before they are married. Each state has its own laws regarding what is required for a valid and enforceable agreement. It outlines financial agreements and certain property rights in the case of divorce or death and allows the parties to avoid default state laws about property division. For example, you can include terms about assets, debts, inheritances, businesses, alimony, and much more.
What does a prenup cover?
A prenup can address tons of topics, subject to your state’s laws. Here are some of the most common clauses people include in their prenups:
- Property Ownership: Division of assets and debts in the event of a divorce and sometimes death.
- Alimony: Also known as spousal support, alimony is financial support from one spouse to the other in the event of a divorce.
- Businesses: Protection for pre-existing or future ventures.
- Inheritance: Keeping family property within the family.
- Assets upon death: People can waive their right to elect a share of the estate when their spouse passes away. This can be especially beneficial for people with children from other relationships who want their kids to inherit everything.
- Debt Responsibility: Clarifying who handles specific debts, whether obtained pre-maritally or during the marriage.
- Wealth equalization: Sometimes also called a “lump sum clause,” this provision requires one spouse to pay the other a lump sum of cash to “equalize” the wealth. This is separate from alimony and property division and is a way to create a balance in the relationship.
- Confidentiality: Ensuring information stays private, including finances, information about the prenup itself, and other personal info.
- Family planning: Some states may allow you to include clauses about embryos and IVF, whether you’re going through the process now or have no idea if you even want children yet.
- Insurance: In some states, you can include clauses about health insurance and life insurance in your prenup.
- Pet custody: Protect those pets with clauses that dictate who gets custody of Little Fluffy in the event of a divorce.
That’s not all, folks. The options are essentially endless as long as the terms don’t violate any laws or public policies.
The pros of a prenup
We’ll be honest: we’re a bit biased about the pros of getting a prenup, but we digress. Here are some of the advantages of getting a prenup:
- Helps communication: A prenup sets the state for you both to continue to have honest (and hard) conversations. Disclosure, like all of your finances, is a muscle you must build up; no one is automatically good at it! Using prenup discussions to expose yourselves, practice, and build mutually agreed-upon habits is priceless.
- Clarifies expectations: A prenup defines how finances and property are handled during marriage and in case of divorce. It also allows couples to clarify expectations regarding goals (e.g., buy a house or start a family?) and roles (e.g., career-wise, parenting roles).
- Mutual protection: Prenups support both partners regarding their individual assets, debts, inheritances, death, and business interests.
- Financial transparency: There’s a part during the prenup-making process where each person is required to disclose all of their finances to one another. This encourages transparency and builds trust between couples, which can, in turn, help create more emotional intimacy.
- No set monetary requirement: Despite common myths, prenups are beneficial no matter what income bracket you and your future spouse fall in!
How to bring up a prenup for the first time
Starting the conversation can feel awkward, but it doesn’t have to be. Talking about a prenup for the first time may take some planning and strategy, and here are some of our best tips:
- Pick the Right Moment: Choose a calm, private setting that will allow you both to speak freely. Also, try to find a time when you each have the cognitive capacity to engage in these discussions (ahem, maybe not after a 10-hour work day or a 2-hour commute in traffic).
- Frame It Positively: Highlight how a prenup will help you both. For example, “Let’s discuss how to protect each other financially.” Or “This is about planning for the unexpected, not doubting us.”
- Predict barriers and prepare for them: This can include pushback from your partner, worries tied to past relationships, or pressure from outside sources (like family members).
- Learn about prenups together: Read articles or research together to stay informed about the logistics of the prenup process. Try not to work off assumptions or other experiences; research yourself!
- Stay curious: Ask about your partner’s thoughts and feelings without judgment, and create space in your discussions to focus on the emotional experience. This will help you both process more effectively and have honest conversations.
- Take breaks: Don’t try to do this all at once! Be patient and allow yourselves the space to have several conversations about a prenup and what you both need.
Bonus tips for success in your first prenup convo
- Collaborate. Approach the prenup as a team effort.
- Stay Patient. Allow time for questions and adjustments.
- Be Transparent. Share assets, debts, and income openly.
- Start Early. Avoid rushing close to the wedding date.
- Customize It. Tailor the agreement to fit your unique needs.
- Seek Guidance. For clarity and support, work with a financial advisor, mediator, attorney, or couples therapist.
How can prenups strengthen my relationship?
As if all of the “pros” we listed above weren’t enough. We also have three ways a prenup can actually strengthen your relationship. Here’s how:
- Fosters Communication: It doesn’t get much more intimate than discussing your financial habits, life goals, and wishes openly. Opening up such discussions helps you build a strong foundation of trust as a couple and practice good habits about how, when, and how often to have these open discussions.
- Prevents Future Conflict: Prenups remove ambiguity about financial matters, allowing you both to make future decisions (individually and together) more seamlessly.
- Builds mutual respect: How you approach the prenup discussion, make decisions together, and compromise… are all opportunities for you to show fairness, mutual respect, and commitment to long-term planning as a couple. That experience will go a long way in creating goodwill for each other that you can lean on during more tough moments of the relationship (because all relationships have them!).
Final thoughts on what to do first when you get engaged
Spoiler alert: When you first get engaged, start talking about a prenup. A prenuptial agreement isn’t about planning for failure—it’s about building a foundation of trust, fairness, and open communication. Discussing it early allows you to set yourselves up for a healthier and happier marriage, so don’t wait. So, grab a coffee, sit with your partner, and start the conversation as you celebrate your engagement. Your future selves will thank you!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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