Affairs plague married relationships in the US, with nearly 20-25% of married men and 10-15% of married women committing some form of infidelity. Infidelity is one of the hardest obstacles that any couple can face in their relationship, married or not. When one person cheats on their partner, it can result in devastating outcomes from emotional and physical pain to the downfall of the relationship. But is it possible for a relationship to actually survive after infidelity? In this article, we will explore the different factors that can influence whether or not a couple can recover from infidelity, how to rebuild trust, and how to move forward.
Understanding infidelity
What exactly is infidelity? Some people have different definitions for it, but let’s set the record straight. Infidelity can take many forms, from emotional affairs to physical affairs. It can involve secrecy, lies, and deception and can have a significant impact on the trust and intimacy within a relationship. The bottom line? Infidelity doesn’t always involve intercourse; it can also be purely emotional, which can take an equal toll on the partner being cheated on and the relationship.
Can a marriage survive infidelity? It depends…
Let’s get right down to it: can a marriage or relationship survive infidelity? Well, the ability of a couple to recover depends on a variety of factors, including the betrayed partner’s willingness to forgive, communication within the relationship, the amount of time spent processing, and the support each person has. Let’s dive into this in more depth:
Is there a willingness to forgive?
First and foremost, is the person cheated on willing to forgive? Forgiveness is not always easy, and it can take time and effort to reach a place where it feels possible. The partner who was betrayed may feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and pain. However, forgiveness is a process, and the betrayed partner must be willing to let go of the negative emotions and open to rebuilding trust and intimacy.
To help their partner reach a point where they are willing to forgive, the cheating partner should take responsibility for their actions and show genuine remorse. How does one do this? It may be through:
- Apologizing
- Answering questions honestly and
- Being open about their actions moving forward.
The betrayed person should also be willing to listen and understand why this happened and start setting boundaries and future expectations.
Is there good communication within the relationship?
Keeping lines of communication open is critical to recovery. If either partner shuts down and puts up their walls, it can be really hard to move forward. The person who was cheated on will likely have a lot of questions (why? when? who?). They will need their questions answered in order to process the situation and move forward.
The cheating partner should be open to providing honest answers and doing so with kindness and understanding. This part can be very challenging for both parties, so it’s important for both people to remain calm and patient.
Effective communication involves more than just talking; it also involves active listening. Both parties should be listening to the other’s perspective and validate their feelings. This may be especially difficult for the person who was cheated on, but it will definitely help work towards recovery if possible.
Has the cheated-on person had enough time to process?
Time heals everything, right?! Well, sometimes! It’s very important to give the person who was cheated time to breathe, process, and make decisions. There’s no set timeline for someone to recover; it’s on an individual basis. It could take months or even years, and allowing for enough time also requires patience and commitment to the recovery process.
The person cheated on will likely need time to work through many emotions, and the person who cheated should be willing to show patience and commitment and allow their partner time (however long) to process.
Note that the healing process may not be linear, and setbacks and obstacles are likely ahead.
Are both parties willing to accept the other’s feelings?
Acceptance is paramount – for both partners. To repair and move forward, the partner who cheated has to accept all their partner’s reactions & feelings. They have to accept responsibility for their actions without making excuses.
For the partner who was cheated on, acceptance often means they have processed their emotions and landed in a space to accept the other partner’s apology and explanation. This doesn’t mean that everything is resolved, but there is a willingness to engage with the present and look toward the future.
Is the cheater willing to take responsibility?
The partner who cheated must be willing to identify and accept responsibility for their behavior. Not only that, but they have to be willing and show that they will make amends for their actions and the significant impacts it had. The hardest part is that this has to be done multiple times over a period of time; it won’t be easy. And this process must consider the other partner’s personality and temperament; how do they feel supported, how do they build trust, and how do they want to see repentance?
This process is a give-and-take; it will also not work if the partner who was cheated on isn’t truly willing to accept the atonement and/or expects their partner to make up for their mistake forever.
Is there a true commitment to relationship repair?
Let’s be honest – this will not be easy. If you’re both really doing the work, this is a hard and exhaustive process. Both partners should be ready to be 100% in if this relationship is to have a chance of survival. Successful healing demands that both partners be dedicated to working through any underlying relationship issues and making necessary changes in the relationship.
Does each person have a good support system?
Seeking support from friends, family, and/or therapists can have a significant effect on the recovery. The person who was cheated on is emotionally drained, and having people to lean on may help them in their healing process.
Friends and family members can provide a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. They can also offer perspective and advice on how to heal and move forward.
Therapy is another great source of support. It can help create an environment where one or both partners can express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. A therapist can also provide exercises and strategies for rebuilding the relationship and moving forward.
Both partners should be seeking support, not just the person cheated on. The person who was doing the cheating will likely have their own emotions to work through and will also need a support system to help throughout the healing process.
When should I leave after infidelity?
At some point, infidelity in a relationship may have caused so much irreparable damage that it cannot be fixed. But how do you know when that point has been reached?
Infidelity with a pattern of abuse, whether physical or emotional, is a huge indicator that it is time to leave. This creates an unsafe environment that makes healing nearly impossible. These deeply ingrained issues often require professional intervention and may not be easily resolved.
Additionally, not all affairs are created equal. A one-time lapse in judgment differs significantly from a history of repeated betrayals or a years-long affair/relationship. Evaluating your partner’s behavior is important in making this determination.
- Are they remorseful?
- Taking clear steps to end the affair?
- Willing to rebuild trust?
Transparency through sharing passwords, allowing tracking, or even signing a postnuptial agreement can be helpful, but it’s ultimately a personal decision. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being as you navigate this difficult situation.
7 tips on how to recover from an affair
How can a couple rebuild trust after such a betrayal? This is definitely one of the most difficult parts of recovering from infidelity. Why? Because trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it is broken, it can be hard to fix. Here are some strategies that can help:
1. Honesty and Transparency
Both parties to the relationship should focus on being honest and transparent with each other. There should be no holding back at this point. The more that is withheld, the less trust is built. Most importantly, the partner who cheated should be very open and genuine about their actions, thoughts, and feelings both before and after the cheating happened.
What does being honest look like? It’s being willing to answer tough questions like an open book, even if it’s hard for the other person to hear. It also means being willing to provide as much reassurance and support to the partner who was cheated on as needed.
As for transparency, the partner who did the cheating should be willing to be very clear and open about their whereabouts, activities, and social interactions, in order to help facilitate trust with the other partner. This could mean removing a passcode from an iPhone or checking in regularly throughout the day.
2. Consistency
The open, honest, and transparent communication is worthless if it isn’t consistent. Being consistent with this shows commitment and willingness to make it work.
Consistency also means being reliable and predictable in one’s actions and behaviors. The partner who cheated must be willing to follow through on their promises, show up when they say they will show up, and be present and engaged in the relationship. A.k.a., make an effort and stick with that effort 24/7.
3. Patience
Patience is a virtue, and it’s especially necessary for rebuilding trust after infidelity. The healing process is not linear, and it can take time. Both partners should be willing to be patient and committed to the process (i.e., patient).
Patience may take the form of waiting for the partner who was cheated on to process their emotions and work through the betrayal. It may also involve the ups and downs of the healing process and the realization that there may be some rough patches ahead. But, with patience, the partner who did the cheating should be able to handle this with grace.
In addition to being patient with the healing process, both partners must also be patient with each other. The partner who was cheated on should also exhibit some level of patience with their partner.
4. Focus on the Future
Focusing on the future is an important mindset to have when trying to move forward from infidelity. While it’s natural to dwell on the past and the events that led up to the cheating, it’s important for both partners to shift their focus toward creating a better future together.
Reframing the mind to focus on the future may involve setting goals and working towards them. Set specific goals and milestones for rebuilding trust and intimacy. This may involve setting boundaries, practicing effective communication, and making meaningful changes in one’s behavior and mindset.
For example, it can be as little as setting a goal to have one date night per week for a month or making sure you sit down for dinner together every night. That can help you take each day as it comes and focus on a bright future rather than a painful past.
5. Set Boundaries
To move forward, boundary setting is really important because it may help establish a sense of safety and security within a shaky relationship.
What does setting boundaries actually mean? Well, it means being clear about what is and is not acceptable behavior within the relationship.
For example, is it okay to stay late after work for a social happy hour? What about going out with friends? Both partners must be willing to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and expectations and respect each other’s boundaries.
Setting boundaries is two-fold: the cheated-on partner needs to set the boundaries, and the partner who cheated should be willing to respect the boundaries. This can help work towards rebuilding trust and moving forward.
6. Seek Professional Help
When in doubt, seek out help. This may be from a therapist, couples therapist, or psychiatrist, but whatever it is, getting real help is extremely valuable in the healing process. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe and supportive environment where both partners can talk openly about their emotions.
Couples therapy can be especially useful for couples who struggle with effective communication or are hitting a road bump in their healing process. Couples therapists can provide exercises and strategies that facilitate trust and intimacy.
Not only do couples therapy benefit in this situation, but also individual therapy for both partners. The partner who was cheated on may benefit from therapy to process their emotions, while the partner who cheated may benefit from individual therapy to explore the underlying issues that led to the infidelity and work towards making meaningful changes in their behavior and mindset.
7. Practice Self-Care
Don’t forget to take care of yourself! Practicing self-care is an important part of recovering from an instance of cheating in a relationship. Going through the process of healing can be emotionally draining, and taking care of oneself can make all the difference.
Self-care involves taking steps to nurture one’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may involve things like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in regular exercise. It can also involve activities that bring joy and fulfillment, such as spending time with friends and family, spa days, pursuing hobbies, or meditation.
Self-care can benefit both people, not just the person who was cheated on. Of course, self-care can help the person who was cheated on reduce stress and anxiety and ensure their mind, body, and spirit are taken care of. However, the person who cheated may also benefit from self-care by reducing feelings of guilt and shame and promoting their well-being.
Happy people contribute to happy relationships.
The bottom line on a relationship surviving cheating
Experiencing infidelity can be hard for anyone, understandably so. Whether or not the relationship will survive depends on a few factors, such as the willingness to forgive, effective communication, allowing for time to pass, and support for both parties. If you or your partner has been unfaithful, remember that healing takes time and patience, but it is possible to move forward and create a brighter future together.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
0 Comments