A 2019 Pew Research Center survey found that married couples trusted their spouses to be faithful to them, act in their best interests, always tell them the truth, or handle money responsibly. Trust forms the basis for any relationship, and is especially true for a marriage. How do you continue to cultivate and maintain that level of trust? One effective way to talk with one another. Not just any conversations, but focused on real and honest conversations that allow you both to deepen your bond. Let’s talk about how to do that.
How do we start having these trust-building convos?
There is no right way to have any of these conversations, but there are some guidelines to follow.
- Timing Is Key: Don’t surprise your partner and expect vulnerable conversations at the drop of a hat. Find a time that you’re both able and willing to have them. This doesn’t mean you can have them in more casual environments, like in the car or over lunch, but just be sure you both feel comfortable doing so.
- Embrace the Awkwardness: At first, these conversations may feel a little awkward or intimidating. They will become easier with practice, and the benefits for your marriage will be clear.
- Press Pause & Respect Boundaries: Be clear with each other if you need to pause a conversation, for any reason. Respect each other’s boundaries and comfort level. Pausing a conversation doesn’t mean revisiting it; it means providing space for either partner to return to a cognitive or emotional mindset that allows the conversation to be beneficial.
- Equality in Responses: Both partners should answer the same question every time. To create a safe environment, agree and stick to the plan unless there is a good reason to deviate.
- Level up in Vulnerability: Try to match your level of vulnerability as much as possible. For some couples, one partner may be more vulnerable (due to past practice or skill), so it isn’t realistic to do so. But each should try to be as authentic & genuine in their responses as possible.
10 trust-building questions to ask your partner
Here are 10 questions to build trust. Each question provides information about each person, opportunities to be vulnerable, build intimacy, and truly understand each other.
- What are your dreams and aspirations? Maybe they’re dreams you still have, or maybe they’re dreams or aspirations that are no longer on the table. Sharing these with anyone, even your partner, takes a lot of trust. Being trusted supporters and confidants of one another is powerful.
- What is one apology you have yet to give? This question isn’t to shame your partner; it’s to be curious about what still weighs on your partner’s heart and what holds them back from giving this apology.
- How do you show love, and how do you want to be loved? If you or your partner isn’t sure, check out Five Love Languages. This knowledge is how you can better foster love, intimacy, and connection. For example, one partner may feel love by receiving gifts, whereas the other partner may feel love by spending quality time together.
- How do you want to argue? Arguments and conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, but it does matter how you navigate and repair it. Talk about how you want to do that so it’s (ultimately) beneficial for you both.
- What’s one thing in the news you strongly agree with and one thing you strongly disagree with? This opens up a conversation about values and beliefs. This can change with age and life experiences, so check in with one another. It also creates opportunities to share, disagree, and know each other better.
- How do you say sorry? Share how you both process and define mistakes and how you apologize. It’s important to have a strong understanding of how you each respond to mistakes and how you take responsibility. Embrace the differences—you don’t have to say sorry in the same way if it’s genuine and leads to beneficial change.
- How do you make decisions? How do we make decisions together? Teamwork and collaboration are core components of a successful relationship. So, talk about how you personally make decisions and then how you make them as a couple. Talking about how you’ll make everyday and major life decisions. Strive for respect, balance, and mutual support (even in disagreement).
- Tell me about a fear you still have. This is an opportunity to be vulnerable and for your partner to practice empathy and active listening. Create a safe and supportive environment by setting down boundaries (e.g., no-fly zones) and requesting responses (e.g., listening and not problem-solving).
- What are your top three values right now? Not sure what your values are right now? That’s not a problem—use this value card sort to help identify them. You can even do this together! Identify what is really important to you and then discuss why you chose it, what it means to you, and how it shows up in your life.
- When people meet you for the first time, what’s one thing they misunderstand or still don’t know about you? Do people often assume you’re social when you’re actually super nervous around others? Do people find you quiet, but you’re actually a chatterbox once you know someone? This question allows each person to share how they truly view themselves, how others mislabel them, and how that makes them feel.
Get a prenuptial agreement to build trust
83% of HelloPrenup users felt closer together after the prenup process. Why? The questions you have to ask and answer help build trust. Things like, how should we handle money during our marriage? When do you want to retire? Will one of us stay home with the kids? How should that person be compensated? How will we manage our estate if one of us dies? What happens to our pets? What if we need to go through IVF? These are all questions that need to be asked and answered during the prenup process, ultimately building trust and bringing couples closer together at the end. In addition, the process also requires something known as “financial disclosure,” which says both parties must share their full incomes, assets, and debts with their soon-to-be spouse. This helps build trust by sharing intimate financial information with one another.
The bottom line on questions to ask to build trust
Exploring these questions together provides valuable opportunities for couples to build their trust by deepening their emotional connection. Fostering this trust is an ongoing process that requires effort, commitment, and compassion. Build intentional moments to engage in vulnerable conversations and be consistent. Be open, honest, and empathetic towards each other and yourself in this journey. With this ongoing practice, you can cultivate a strong foundation of trust to grow a loving relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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