“What may be a vice to you could be a virtue to me.” – Lucretia Mott. We all move and interact with the world through our own lens; at times, our perspective aligns with others, and at other times, it clashes.
Entering into a marriage is one of the most significant decisions a couple can make, and while it may not be romantic, making that decision with care and intention will save a lot of heartbreak and pain down the road. One to-do item is to talk (I mean really talk) about deal-breakers. As the quote above highlights, while it may seem to you why chewing with your mouth open is unquestionably a dealbreaker, your partner might not feel the same. Sharing and addressing dealbreakers before marriage will ensure a stronger, aligned partnership.
Does it really matter?
Many say, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.” In this case, you might ask, “Do I need to bring this stuff up? It’s just going to start an argument.” And my professional response is (you guessed it) yes! Addressing dealbreakers and other topics before marriage isn’t looking for problems; it’s building a healthy foundation where you both lean into the challenges early on versus letting them fester underneath the surface.
So, yes. These conversations do matter.
What are common deal breakers?
Let’s examine some of the more common deal-breakers, from infidelity to family matters.
Infidelity.
Cheating (emotional or physical) has far-reaching consequences on a relationship. While relationships can survive infidelity for many people, based on their past experience, infidelity may be an instant dealbreaker.
Dishonesty.
If your partner values honesty, then dishonesty may be a dealbreaker. White lies, big omissions – all these can erode trust and foster insecurity within the relationship. Feeling unsafe or untrusted may not be something a partner will accept.
Addiction.
Substances, gambling, or other behaviors have a huge impact not only on the individual struggling but also on their loved ones. Unaddressed addiction or addiction behaviors may be a rigid boundary, given the strain it can cause in a marriage.
One-Sidedness.
This can cover a few dealbreakers – irresponsibility, unilateral decision-making, and lack of support (emotional or otherwise). In other words, the dealbreaker(s) are when one partner doesn’t feel like they’re in an equal partnership. Given that this can cause resentment, disempowerment, and exhaustion, it’s no wonder it’s a dealbreaker for so many people.
Over/Under Spending.
Financial alignment may not be a sexy topic, but it’s worthwhile. Different approaches to money management (or significant deviation from agreements) are guaranteed to cause conflict in a relationship. Knowing yourself, ask what financial habit would drive you bonkers to the point of it being irreparable.
Intimacy.
The type, how often, openness… this not only encompasses sex, but physical touch (cuddler or not?) and responsiveness to each other needs. Dealbreakers here may be centered around the kind of intimacy, the frequency, or even openness to discussing intimacy needs as you change with time.
Opposite Life Goals.
Opposites do attract, but having opposing life goals may be a hard no for some people. Melding your life with another takes compromise and maintaining space for individuality. (Retirement, kids, location, etc.). However, if your life goals are competing against one another, that may be too much for any relationship.
Religious & Cultural Beliefs.
Differing religious beliefs or practices can cause tension, especially regarding life decisions (raising children, holiday traditions). Some people may decide it’s one area they need more overlap in; in other words, marrying someone with the same religious/cultural background.
Political Affiliation.
Another dealbreaker is your political identification or leaning. With politics becoming more divisive in recent years, this dealbreaker may be coming up more often or presenting itself now.
Family & Parenting.
Kids or no kids? Adoption? Gentle parenting or tiger mom? A strong idea of your ideal family structure can clarify what you can or can’t accept from a future partner.
Extended Family.
Boundaries with families of origin (aka your parents and siblings, their extended family) often come up as dealbreakers. The key is to identify this dealbreaker early on instead of being years into a pattern of behavior and trying to change it then.
Getting a Prenup.
Of course, we couldn’t forget to mention the prenup. If one partner is hard-no on the prenup and the other is hard-yes, you may want to consider whether getting a prenup is one of your dealbreakers. Some people think this is a dealbreaker based on their life experience, whether they’re in a second marriage, their children, or other reasons.
How do I figure out my dealbreakers?
Before discussing them with your partner, it’s important to identify your own. Even if you think you know them, it takes time to reassess and ensure nothing has changed. Dealbreakers evolve as you learn, experience life events, and gain new perspectives.
To help, ask yourself these questions:
- What do I value? Try a value card sort activity.
- What do I regret compromising on in my past relationships?
- What do I see when I imagine my life in 5, 10, and 20 years?
- If my partner would agree to all my dealbreakers, what are my top 5?
- What would happen if I compromised on my dealbreakers?
- What would my family members & closest friends say are most important to me?
How do I talk about this?!
The earlier you and your partner talk about it, the easier it will be. But any honest and open conversation can have its challenges, so here are some strategies to help you navigate them:
Dishonesty.
If your partner values honesty (and let’s be real, who doesn’t), then dishonesty may be a dealbreaker. White lies, big omissions – all these can erode trust and foster insecurity within the relationship. Feeling unsafe or untrusted may not be something a partner will accept.
Spread it out.
Alleviate the pressure and give yourself space. From the beginning, set the expectation that this will be a series of conversations. This will decrease anxiety and allow you both time to process, ask questions, and collaborate.
Get support.
Premarital counseling offers a space for these and other discussions in preparation for your union. It helps you get on the same page, learn problem-solving strategies, and develop communication strategies.
Share from your POV.
Share your dealbreakers from your point of view to decrease any judgmental vibes. For example, you could say, “I’ve always wanted children, and it’s one thing I can’t compromise on, ” instead of “I’ve always wanted children, so you have to be on board, or I can’t do this.”
Check-In.
Throughout the conversation, check in with the other. If you want it really structured, every time one partner shares what their dealbreaker is, they should follow up with, “How do you feel hearing that?” or something along those lines. Checking in doesn’t mean you have to compromise on your dealbreaker, but it does show that you care about your partner and their reactions.
Be clear. Be clear and kind. Share which dealbreakers or parts of the dealbreakers have room for compromise and which don’t. It does more harm than good to be vague or say that you’re open to compromise when you know you’re not, deep in your heart.
Final thoughts
Understanding and addressing dealbreakers is critical to building a solid and lasting relationship. Each of us has non-negotiables that are based on our values and shape our lives and future; ignoring them is setting yourself and your relationship up for resentment and dissatisfaction. While it can feel uncomfortable to bring up these conversations, especially proactively, having these discussions early will ensure you and your partner are aligned in your expectations and committed to each other.
These conversations will also help you deepen your emotional connection with your partner because they are not just about listing what you can or can’t tolerate—they are about sharing who you really are, your past, and how you want to live your life. I’d be surprised if you both didn’t learn more about each other through these conversations.
Ultimately, the goal is to learn more about yourself and your partner and build confidence that you’re both on the same page. Doing so helps you pave the way for a fulfilling, healthy relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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