We’ve all heard the phrase “cold feet” when it comes to relationships and marriages. It’s the sudden anxiety, the nagging doubts, the overwhelming feeling that maybe—just maybe—you’re making a huge mistake. You may be asking yourself, is this normal? Does everyone get cold feet? And if it is, is it just a normal part of big life decisions, or is it a warning sign that something deeper is going on?
What are “cold feet”?
Cold feet is a term for both an emotional and cognitive experience. Emotions may include fear, anxiety, or sadness. Thoughts may focus on worries, “what ifs,” or the things that have gone wrong in the relationship. Cold feet can come in waves and may become more frequent as the wedding draws near. These feelings are different than genuine doubt, as cold feet are a normal reaction to a big life transition or change.
True doubt before marriage is often more profound; feeling deeply conflicted or miserable is a different story.
Whether or not you get cold feet is influenced by personality. Individuals high in trait neuroticism may ruminate more on worst-case scenarios, while those with secure attachment styles tend to experience less distress about long-term commitments.
Why do people get cold feet?
Cold feet can stem from various sources, some psychological, some circumstantial. Here are a few key contributors:
1. Fear of Change
Even when we’re happy, significant changes can be scary. The human brain has a cognitive tendency to favor the familiar and resist change. So, transitions like marriage feel psychologically daunting. Even in a strong, loving relationship, the mere idea of permanently changing one’s life can trigger subconscious discomfort.
The amygdala, the brain’s threat detection center, can go into overdrive; it can respond to the perceived risks of marriage and interpret the event as a potential source of uncertainty or loss. This can lead to heightened stress responses, making pre-wedding anxiety feel more intense, even when there may be no rational reason for concern.
2. Pressure and Expectations
Weddings come with a lot of societal and family expectations, which is not helpful and can intensify pre-wedding anxiety. A partner or couple may genuinely desire to get married, but the pressure imposed by cultural, familial, or societal expectations can trigger an internal conflict. Trusted people in their lives may bring in questions, expectations, or judgments (well-intentioned or not), and cognitive tension can lead to emotional distress and make it hard to distinguish personal conviction from external influences.
3. Unresolved Relationship Issues
If there are lingering problems in a relationship, such as communication issues, mismatched values, or recurring conflicts, cold feet may be the subconscious mind’s way of signaling a red flag. These unresolved issues may be typical of any relationship, or they may be more. As the big day approaches, issues that once seemed minor can suddenly take on greater significance, creating an overwhelming sense of doubt and uncertainty. People can then react by subconscious distancing behaviors like withdrawing, hesitation, or viewing changes as losses.
4. Personal Fears and Self-Doubt
Some people struggle with commitment in general, and our early childhood experience can shape how we respond to this in a relationship. Attachment experiences, how we created those fundamental relationships, can set the stage for how we approach other relationships and deal with the challenges.
Instability in childhood relationships can add to the current anxieties as the wedding approaches—feelings of unworthiness and fear of eventual rejection or abandonment. These childhood fears add to the mental exhaustion that is exacerbated by the countless decisions that need to be made, and the self-doubt can skyrocket.
Does everyone get cold feet?
The short answer? No, not everyone experiences it, at least not in the same way. Here’s why:
- Some people are wired for certainty: Some people have the luxury, or hard-earned ability, to trust themselves and their decisions, reducing pre-commitment anxiety.
- Previous experiences shape reactions: Exposure to parental divorce or relational challenges can prime individuals for hypervigilance, making them more prone to doubt.
- The strength of the relationship matters: Couples with high relational satisfaction, as measured by factors like Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), tend to experience fewer doubts, but it’s not guaranteed. Couples who have pivotal conversations, sometimes through a prenup process, also can feel more grounded in their future and have fewer questions floating in their minds.
- Timing plays a role: If a couple is rushing into marriage or dealing with external stressors (job changes, family pressure), cold feet might be more pronounced due to an increased cognitive load.
But it is a common experience; if you’re feeling cold feet, you’re in good company!
When are cold feet a warning sign?
Not all pre-wedding nerves are harmless. Here are some signs that your doubts might need closer attention:
- You’re hoping your partner will change after marriage: This reflects a cognitive bias known as the optimism effect—overestimating how much people will change over time. If you’re banking purely on hope, you may need some time to explore this further.
- Your gut is telling you something’s off: Somatic markers, bodily sensations tied to emotional decision-making, can effectively indicate actual misalignment.
- You’re feeling relieved at the thought of calling it off: This could be an unconscious drive toward avoidance rather than temporary anxiety.
- There’s a pattern of avoidance: If you’re dodging discussions about important topics, this could signal a maladaptive coping mechanism, such as emotional suppression or avoidance.
- There’s external pressure to stay: Suppose your reasons for getting married are predominately due to conforming to external parties (e.g., families, friends, society). In that case, cold feet may be trying to tell you that your genuine relationship satisfaction is lacking.
Final Thoughts
Does everyone get cold feet? No. But you’re not alone! Many people experience cold feet. Cold feet are often a normal reaction to a significant life change, but it isn’t always experienced in the exact same way. By understanding yourself and how your anxiety or concerns about the big day are presenting, you can better determine: Is this cold feet, or is this a legit concern that needs to be explored further?
By tuning into your feelings, communicating openly, and addressing any underlying concerns, you’ll be better equipped to make the right decision—whether that’s moving forward with confidence or reevaluating your path.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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