We’ve all been there. One minute, you’re trying to talk through something that’s bothering you, and the next, voices are raised, defenses go up, and suddenly it’s not about the original issue. Now it’s about how you said it. Or what they didn’t say. Or the tone. Or the timing.
Arguments in relationships are inevitable, but fighting (especially the kind that leaves you both hurt, shut down, or spinning in circles) doesn’t help. It is possible to work through conflict without escalating it. The trick? It’s less about avoiding disagreements and more about how you move through them.
In this article, we’ll explore the psychology behind what’s healthy and what’s not, why fights escalate, how the nervous system’s responses hijack our sanity, and therapist-backed tools to resolve arguments without entering combat mode. Whether you’re in the middle of a long-term partnership or just trying to build better patterns from the start, these tools can help you handle conflict with more clarity, care, and connection.
What’s healthy and what’s not?
Not all conflict is bad; in fact, healthy couples argue. The key difference is how they do it.
Healthy conflict involves staying present, using calm communication, validating each other’s feelings, and making repair attempts, such as “I didn’t mean that—let me try again.” Research from the Gottman Institute reveals that couples who manage conflict effectively tend to avoid what they refer to as the “Four Horsemen” of relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Unhealthy fighting, on the other hand, often involves yelling, shutting down, making personal attacks, or rehashing old arguments. These patterns aren’t just frustrating—they reflect nervous system overload and deeper fears of rejection, as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson explains.
Bottom line? Conflict in a relationship is normal. It’s how you move through it, and whether you can reconnect afterward—that matters most.
The real reason most arguments escalate
When couples fight, the issue that sparks the argument often isn’t the real problem. Sure, you might be irritated about the dishes not being done or your partner forgetting to call when they’re late—but there’s usually something deeper underneath. Most fights are fueled by ongoing patterns or unmet emotional needs, like:
- Do you really hear me?
- Do you care about my needs?
- Can I trust that you’re (emotionally) safe for me?
- Why aren’t you changing—do you just not care?
Fights tend to erupt when these deeper needs go unspoken or unaddressed. That’s when even small issues start to feel emotionally intense. Without clear communication tools, these minor disagreements can easily trigger past experiences, attachment fears, and nervous system dysregulation.
Start with the nervous system, not logic
Once you or your partner is activated, no amount of logic is going to help. When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your brain’s prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for reason, empathy, and problem-solving—goes offline. You’re not in problem-solving mode; you’re in protection mode. And your body will react accordingly.
That’s why it’s important to check in with your body during a disagreement. Is your heart racing? Are you feeling flushed? Holding your breath? Clenching your jaw? Feeling nauseated?
If so, pause—literally. Say to your partner, “I’m feeling too activated right now. I need a break… let’s come back to it in like 15 minutes.” This isn’t avoidance. This is giving you both the best chance to actually resolve the argument instead of your body making it more likely to escalate it.
Use repair language early and often
Many disagreements can quickly spiral into a fight when no one wants to take the first step to make amends. But this is key to avoiding the fighting. The first step is to reframe the repair process; for many, a repair means “giving in” or being the one to concede or “take the blame.” And with that type of thinking, you’ll be hard-pressed to ever get past the disagreement.
But taking responsibility for your part of the argument makes it more likely your partner will do the same. It becomes more likely that your partner does it first next time, and you both do this earlier in the process.
What does taking responsibility for your part look like? Well, it could be:
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- Apologizing: Apologizing for how you responded, the words you used, or the action you took in the moment. You’re not saying it’s all your fault, but noting “I could have asked you how that felt for you before assuming” can go a long way.
- Share that you still care for one another: Even if you’re disagreeing and getting frustrated, you can still love and care for one another. And it helps to say that out loud.
- When you don’t know something, say it: Don’t assume. When you’re unsure, share it. Start with your intention, which can help soften your words, like “I’m trying to understand your POV, but I’m getting stuck and don’t understand.”
These things help bring the temp of the conversation down. They signal an intention to engage, to make amends, and to ensure emotional safety. Knowing that makes it easier to resolve the argument or at least keep it from growing into a full fledged flight.
Focus on how they made you feel, not just what they did
When we’re upset, we can all come in hot, and our statements often turn into accusations (whether we intend for them to or not). “You always ignore me when I’m upset,” or “You never listen” are common ones that get thrown out. And, no matter how true this may be, these statements will trigger defensiveness. And that puts them in defense mode instead of listening and really hearing you.
Instead, take a moment to regulate your physical and internal experience and shift your language. Try: “I felt really alone last night when I was upset and didn’t feel like I could reach for you” or “When I don’t get a response, my brain spirals into stories that you don’t care.”
And ask this of your partner too. This allows you both to understand your experience without becoming defensive. It gives you both the needed space to validate your feelings and hear your partner’s intentions (which were likely not intended to make you feel anxious), and then to discuss what to do next.
Stay inside the issue, not outside it
When conflict arises, many couples fall into a state of expansion. Aka, you start with one issue, and all of a sudden it’s like word vomit—you’re listing every single thing that has been frustrating you.
The “and another thing…” is tempting, especially when resentment has built up and you’re feeling emotionally elevated. But it’s a recipe for disaster. Luckily, there is a fix. Stay with the current issue. If there is a bigger issue at play, or it’s a pattern, then name and focus on that instead. Be clear what the argument is about to increase the chance you’ll be able to find a resolution.
Don’t wait for the fight to fix everything
Some of the most painful fights (not just arguments) happen when one or both partners hold everything in—then try to fix it all in one go. Unsurprisingly, cramming all those pent-up concerns into a single conversation escalates the emotional intensity fast.
This often occurs when one or both partners feel anxious about expressing their concerns. And that’s normal. For some, the coping strategy is just to rip off the band-aid and say everything at once. However, it becomes a self-fulfilling cycle: the conversation becomes overwhelming, goes poorly, and then creates even more anxiety about bringing things up next time—making it more likely that you’ll avoid issues until they spill out again.
So, do yourselves a favor: not everything needs (or can) be solved in one conversation. Focus on one thing at a time. Prioritize emotional repair—validation, understanding, and shared empathy—before diving into problem-solving.
Get curious instead of critical
One of the fastest ways to defuse a conflict? Shift from judgment to curiosity. Instead of, “Why would you even say that?!” try, “Help me understand what made you feel that way.” Instead of, “You’re so dramatic,” try, “Why is this so upsetting? I really do want to understand”
Curiosity doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means you’re staying open to understanding your partner’s point of view and helping them feel supported. You may also be surprised at what you learn. Either way, it helps to slow down the argument and decreases the chances it blows up into a fight.
Know your repeat patterns—and interrupt them
We’re human, and we all develop patterns in our behaviors. Following that line of thought, it’s also common for couples to have a signature fight loop. It might be a trigger, an issue that keeps arising, or how each partner responds to the other. Knowing your pattern is half the battle. Interrupting it is the other half. Ask yourself:
- Are there themes to our arguments?
- When do arguments or fights usually happen? In the evening after work, before going to the in-laws, or after someone’s had a hard work week?
- What happens first when we fight?
- Is this a newer or older pattern?
- What makes it worse?
- What helps?
Patterns are hard to break, and even when you’re made aware of them, there will be moments you fall back into them. And that’s okay; you don’t have to be perfect. However, starting somewhere will help you resolve arguments without escalating them.
Final thoughts: Resolve arguments in a healthy way
Arguments in relationships are inevitable. You’re two different people with different histories, triggers, needs, and communication styles—of course, you’ll bump into each other emotionally now and then. But arguments don’t have to devolve into fighting.
When you understand what drives the conflict, how you respond, and strategies to help, you can start to show up differently. You can slow things down instead of speeding up. Get curious instead of critical. Choose repair over reactivity.
So the next time things feel tense, remember: you don’t have to fight to be heard. You can advocate for yourself while also protecting the relationship. And it’s how healthy love lasts.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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