Ever heard someone talk about “boundaries” in a relationship? It’s a common buzzword seen all over the internet nowadays. It is essentially a limit you set between you and the person you are in a relationship with (whether marriage, parent-child, friendship, or some other relationship).
Marriage is a beautiful journey, but continuous effort is needed to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Enter: Boundary setting. Healthy boundaries are crucial even with your most trusted partner. They help you understand each other’s needs, expectations, and personal limits. Let’s explore the concept of boundaries in relationships, why they’re essential, and how to set and respect them.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves in relationships. They define what we are comfortable with, how we would like to be treated by others, and what actions we will take when they are not respected. Boundaries can be:
- Physical. Personal space and physical touch. For example, John does not like to be touched all that often. He lets his partner know that too much physical touch makes him uncomfortable.
- Emotional. Sharing of thoughts and feelings. For example, Jane sets the boundary that venting about work for over 30 minutes makes her feel overwhelmed.
- Digital. Use of social media and digital devices. For example, Katie does not like it when her partner likes other women’s photographs on Instagram.
- Time. Allocation of time for each other and personal activities. For example, Tom really wants at least an hour a day of alone time to feel recharged.
- Financial. Management of money and financial responsibilities. For example, saving a certain amount of money each month for retirement and not overspending, especially when finances are shared.
- Sexual. Consent, preferences, and intimacy.
But what are boundaries, really?
At their core, boundaries are intended to set limits for the person who makes them. Let me say it again–boundaries are not for other people. That also means that other people are not (predominantly) responsible for honoring them. You can’t stop someone from crossing your boundaries, but you can decide how you respond.
As part of your boundaries, you make clear the steps you will take if someone crosses them. For example, John loves spending time with Jane, but he also needs time to himself to recharge each day. He usually takes an hour in the evening to read, meditate, or just relax. If John is interrupted during that time without an urgent reason, he should kindly remind Jane of his boundary and ask to continue our conversation later.
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries, in any relationship, whether it’s a marriage, friendship, or work relationship, are essential for several reasons. Boundaries…:
- Promote Respect: You are sharing how you define respect and how you want to be treated.
- Prevent Resentment: Clarity is kind. Clear boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up over time.
- Enhance Communication: Sharing, discussing, and iterating on boundaries together improves a couple’s communication.
- Improve Understanding: How we identify and define our boundaries is tied to our values. By being clear and communicating these to each other, we are sharing what we find to be most important, so you’re learning more about each other.
- Help You Feel Safe. Respecting each other’s boundaries strengthens trust and emotional safety in the relationship.
Step-by-step guide on how to set boundaries
Now that we’re on the same page about boundaries and why they’re important, let’s discuss how to set them. Setting (good) boundaries takes some time and thought. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how you can get started setting your boundaries:
Step 1: Self-reflection
- What are your core values and beliefs? Not sure? Try this value card sort exercise.
- What makes you feel comfortable or safe?
- What situations or behaviors make you feel uncomfortable or upset?
- What past experiences do you not want to be repeated?
Step 2: Communicate clearly
Once you’ve identified your boundaries, share them with your partner.
- Schedule a time to talk with your partner. Let them know what you want to share, and ask them to share their boundaries as well.
- Use “I” statements.
- Make requests.
- State this clearly by using “If… then…” statements. For example, “If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I will leave the room.”
- Be open to questions from your partner. Clarify any misconceptions.
Step 3: Be consistent
Be consistent to fully benefit from any boundary. It may seem easy, but it takes practice and work.
- Gently remind your partner if a boundary is crossed.
- Be open to reminders from your partner when you’ve crossed theirs.
- Remind your partner what actions you’ll take if they continue to cross a boundary.
- Follow through on the action if your boundary continues to be crossed.
Step 4: Repair any ruptures
In a relationship, your boundaries are to help maintain your personal health and keep the relationship healthy. So it doesn’t end after Step 3!
- When the time is right, talk to your partner about what happened.
- Share how you felt.
- Ask and be open to hearing their perspective and feelings.
- Share your resolve to be consistent.
- Explore other ways to help you both maintain these boundaries.
Step 5: Continue to reassess
Boundaries are essential and can change. It’s important to continually reassess your values, boundaries, and their effectiveness. Consider:
- Are these boundaries working? Why or why not?
- Are there other boundaries that feel important to enact?
- Do I need to adjust any boundaries or my response to when they’re crossed?
*Important note – a relationship is a give-and-take, and a couple should be open to discussion and adjusting boundaries as it serves the relationship. However, if a boundary is repeatedly crossed and it’s a core value to you, that’s a red flag that something else may be amiss in the relationship.
Why is it so hard to set and keep boundaries?!
Setting boundaries is easy to talk about, but much harder to actually do. And it can be more challenging if one or both partners is not used to boundaries. Here are common challenges with setting healthy boundaries in a relationship:
- Resistance to the Boundary: A partner may be resistant to change (for many different reasons). For example, if you start setting a boundary of 1 hour of alone time per day, when previously this wasn’t a thing, your partner may be resistant out of pure habit.
- Opposition to the Boundary: Some people may push back and intentionally cross a boundary because they are being told they can’t do something.
- Relationship Avoidance: Some individuals may see boundaries as a punishment or as a reprimand and pull away from the relationship.
- Guilt: It’s common for the person setting boundaries to feel guilty when setting and maintaining boundaries.
So, how do you overcome these issues? First, remember that boundaries are necessary for a healthy relationship. Once you’ve accepted that, make sure to use open and honest conversations to inform each other of your intention and the context of the boundaries. Ask your partner how you’d like them to act, but be clear on your own actions in response to a boundary being crossed. You can also try reframing boundary setting as self-care and as care for your relationship. Finally, engage your partner in frequent discussions. Collaborate on boundaries that you have together as a couple.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
After reading this article, do you feel overwhelmed or discouraged? You don’t have to do this alone. Setting and maintaining boundaries is hard, especially if you’re just beginning or if your relationship is experiencing difficulties. Here are some resources:
- Couples Therapy: A licensed therapist can provide a safe space for both partners to discuss their boundaries and learn effective communication skills.
- Workshops and Seminars: Many organizations offer workshops and seminars focused on relationship skills and boundary-setting.
- Books and Online Resources: Numerous books, blogs, and online courses teach about boundaries and healthy relationships.
- Support Groups: Joining a support group can provide encouragement and advice from others who are experiencing similar challenges.
Takeaways
You cannot have a healthy, fulfilling relationship without healthy boundaries. Boundaries help each partner understand each other’s needs and limits and promote mutual respect and trust. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Don’t hesitate to explore these options and find the best support for you and your partner. Couples can navigate life together with greater understanding and harmony by setting and maintaining clear boundaries.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
0 Comments