About 60% of Americans believe in soulmates. Though the concept of a soulmate is still a guaranteed debate—some wholeheartedly believe in it (60%, that is), while others adamantly argue against it. With so many strong feelings on both sides, we gotta ask: Is there truly one perfect person out there for everyone? Let’s discuss everything you need to know about soulmates.
What does the science say?
Let’s take a psychological approach to the idea of soulmates. Our beliefs about soulmates are often tied to how we see the world. Psychologists refer to this as locus of control—whether you view life as something within your power (internal locus) or governed by fate and external forces (external locus).
If you see the world as unpredictable, you might believe a soulmate is someone preordained by destiny, making love feel like an elusive, magical force. But if you view life as something you actively shape, you’re more likely to see a soulmate as someone you build a deep connection with through shared effort and emotional growth.
Let’s explore common soulmate myths and reframe them into a healthier, more beneficial perspective.
Myth 1: Soulmates never fight
The doubt: “If [name] is my soulmate, why do we argue about small things, like whose turn it is to do the dishes or where to spend Christmas?”
The truth: Even soulmates fight. According to the Gottman Institute, the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships isn’t whether couples argue—it’s how they argue. Do conflicts quickly turn into criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling? Do partners ignore each other’s attempts to repair and reconnect?
What to look for: Disagreements don’t mean you’re incompatible; they reveal areas for growth. Instead of assuming arguments are a red flag, step back and assess: Is my partner willing to repair, learn, and strengthen our bond after a fight? Are we both open to improving how we communicate?
Myth 2: You’ll know instantly
The doubt: “Shouldn’t I have felt fireworks the first time I met [name]? It wasn’t like the movies. I just thought, ‘He seems nice.’”
The truth: While instant chemistry can feel exciting, psychological studies suggest meaningful, long-lasting connections often develop gradually. Attraction deepens when individuals trust each other, share vulnerabilities, and align in values over time.
What to look for: Butterflies and instant attraction may be the hallmark of every rom-com, but in real life, that initial infatuation can mask incompatibility. Your soulmate may reveal themselves after a slow burn. Look for opportunities to build a strong foundation—because that is what creates a lasting emotional connection.
Myth 3: A soulmate completes you
The doubt: “I love [partner], but sometimes I feel anxious about work and my life goals. Shouldn’t a soulmate make me feel whole?”
The truth: The idea of a partner “completing” you stems from pop culture. Putting pressure on someone else to fill emotional gaps can create codependency. Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and self-awareness in relationships, arguing that we need to feel whole on our own before we can build a healthy partnership.
What to look for: Take control of your happiness—don’t place it entirely in someone else’s hands. A soulmate should complement your growth, not be responsible for it. The strongest relationships foster both independence and mutual support.
Myth 4: Soulmates are perfect matches
The doubt: “[Name] and I are so different sometimes. He loves camping, while I’d rather binge-watch Netflix. Does that mean we’re not meant to be?”
The truth: Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading psychologist in attachment theory, explains that emotional responsiveness matters more than hobbies or personality similarities. She developed Emotional Focused Therapy for couples (EFTC) help couples strengthen their bond by fostering emotional connection rather than focusing on personality similarities.
Psych Insight: Differences can bring excitement and balance to a relationship. Instead of focusing on hobbies, pay attention to emotional attunement—how well you and your partner understand, respond to, and value each other’s experiences.
Myth 5: Soulmates are effortless
The doubt: “Sometimes being with [Partner] feels hard—shouldn’t a soulmate relationship just flow?”
The truth: I hate to break it to you—all relationships are hard work. Psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch followed 373 married couples for almost three decades. Do you know what she found? The happiest couples were the ones who put intentional effort into their relationships through open communication, shared activities, and emotional connection.
What to look for: Effort isn’t a sign of incompatibility—it’s a sign of commitment. The right partner will show up even when things get tough. Building and maintaining a relationship requires conscious effort; without it, even a “soulmate” connection can struggle.
Myth 6: Soulmates never feel doubt
The doubt: “Sometimes I second-guess if [name] is the right one. Shouldn’t a soulmate feel like absolute certainty?”
The truth: Doubt is an evolutionary tool designed to protect us. Our brains develop anxiety as a survival mechanism to help assess potential risks, and while this is helpful in dangerous situations, it can also make us overly cautious in relationships.
Doubt is also shaped by past experiences. If you’ve had difficult relationships in the past—whether romantic or not—you might have a lower threshold for feeling secure. Big life transitions, like getting engaged, can amplify these feelings.
What to look for: Nothing in life is certain. Instead of fearing doubt, see it as an opportunity for reflection. Ask yourself: Are my doubts based on real concerns, or are they just my brain’s way of trying to protect me from uncertainty? Strong relationships don’t eliminate doubt—they navigate it through communication and effort.
Final thoughts: Redefining soulmates
The idea of soulmates is undeniably romantic, but it’s also full of myths that can set unrealistic expectations for so many of us. Instead of assuming and searching for only one perfect person, focus on finding someone who is emotionally responsive, committed, and willing to grow alongside you.
All couples experience doubts and differences. By focusing on shifting their perspective—from waiting for magical, effortless love to actively building a meaningful connection—a couple can create something better than fantasy: a real, lasting partnership.
So, is he your soulmate? Maybe the better question is: Are you both willing to create something deep, fulfilling, and real? Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about fate—it’s about choice.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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