“The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.”
Cue flashbacks to Ross yelping, “We were on a break!” while Rachel bemoans the fact that a break was not synonymous with a breakup. While I may be dating myself by sharing my vast (vast) knowledge of the show Friends, beneath the hilarity of this episode lays a common relationship hurdle – the break.
So, what exactly is a break? Is it different from a breakup? Is it good for the relationship, or does it signify an upcoming demise? We’ll explore how a break can show up in a relationship, what’s a healthy way to enact one, and what to keep in mind.
What is a (relationship) break?
A relationship break is not different than any other break; it’s a temporary pause in the romantic relationship. A relationship break is not a breakup. In other words, both partners are still committed to continuing the relationship and, at this moment, don’t want to end it.
The goal of a relationship break is to decide whether to continue or end the relationship, and that’s often done through perspective-taking, reflecting on personal feelings, re-exploring other areas of life, and musing on personal values and goals.
A break is a tool. It’s neither a good nor a bad thing. And that’s where it gets tricky—it’s all in how you define and implement the break that determines whether it’s helpful or not.
Here are some more break basics you may want to understand:
- It’s temporary: Unlike a breakup, a break is meant to be temporary, with the couple agreeing on a specific timeframe.
- Emotional space: One of the defining benefits of a break is the cognitive space to process their feelings without the pressure of daily interactions.
- Goal-oriented: The purpose of a break (usually) is to reflect on the relationship and decide on the future of the relationship.
- Agreements: Couples should establish and agree on boundaries for communications, interactions, and behaviors during the break.
Why take a break?
Deciding to take a break shouldn’t be done lightly. Depending on the couple, the relationship, and just life in general, there can be various reasons a break is considered. Here are some of the common motivations:
Feeling Overwhelmed
Maybe it’s the relationship, or perhaps it’s work, family, or health issues, but whichever way you feel yourself struggling to keep afloat, you can take a break. Individuals and couples in this situation can use a break to help them return to a place where they can focus on thriving and not just surviving the day.
Ongoing Conflicts
If a couple is experiencing frequent arguments or issues, a break can be a beneficial tool. One caveat: a break is not used to run away or avoid issues in a relationship; rather, it is used to focus on the relationship more productively.
Life Transitions
Big moves like moving, career shifts, or family challenges can introduce a higher stress level in a relationship. A break can allow each partner to adjust individually, creating more emotion and cognitive space to address the changes as a couple.
Personal Growth
Sometimes, we need to work on ourselves before being with others – our mental health, personal goals, or unresolved challenges. A break allows a partner (or both) to work on themselves to be the best partner possible.
Uncertainty About the Future
Is this really a good fit? One or both partners may need clarification on whether this relationship is meant to last. Taking an intentional step back and reassessing the relationship can be effective.
What kind of break works for me?
Not all breaks are the same. Depending on your goal for the break, how you approach it may differ. To help you figure out what works best for you, here are some questions to consider:
How long do you need?
A break in the relationship can be anxiety-provoking, which then makes it counterintuitive to the original function.
To minimize that, consider how long you and your partner want to hit the pause button. A few days? A few weeks?
Remember, at the end of the break, you (both) could decide to extend the break, but having an agreed-upon time point to reconvene is absolutely critical!
To talk or not to talk?
Would it be more beneficial for us to have contact with each other? A no-contact break is exactly what it sounds like—no speaking, texting, calling at all during the break. Maybe it’s decreased contact or contact in case of emergencies (and you’ll need to define “emergency”). Think about what you and your partner need right now.
Of note, don’t forget to consider social media and other ways we communicate throughout the day.
How do I describe my relationship status?
Are you single? Are you still in a committed relationship but currently have no contact? Can you date or plan to date others during this time? This can be tough to answer, but it’s essential to be transparent and on the same page as your partner.
What would I feel uncomfortable with?
Imagine the break works, and you’ve resumed your relationship. What would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about what you did during the break? What would you not want to hear from your partner?
This isn’t to say you can’t or shouldn’t do something that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s helpful to establish your boundaries.
Distinguish between what actions feel like “I’d rather than hear that” and “This feels like a betrayal.”
How to plan a relationship break successfully
Let’s help set you up for success.
- Set clear boundaries. Before the break, discuss do’s and don’ts, and be in clear agreement with them.
- Agree on a time frame. Pick a date to end the break, make decisions, and/or check in on each other. The clearer, the better—“May 12th” is much better than “a few weeks from now.”
- Share your goals. Be transparent about your goal(s) for the break. They may be mutual or individual goals, but knowing what each partner hopes to achieve in this time apart is helpful.
- Stick to the plan. Respect the boundaries and agreements set. Not doing so will endanger your relationship.
- Define an SOS plan. Things can change, so talk about what you each can do if something changes significantly. An emergency, a decision you’ve reached early, or a non-intentional break from the contract may be reasons to come together earlier than planned.
- Don’t do it alone. Just because you’re on a break from your partner doesn’t mean you need to achieve your goals alone. Consider other supports (friends, family members, therapists) to help you.
Reframe & prepare
Real talk – a break can lead to a stronger relationship or a breakup. Take the time now and during the break to prepare yourself for that possibility and to reframe the thought.
The goal of a relationship break is often to decide what is best for you rather than to confirm you should stay together. Permit yourself to be curious and explore all avenues, worries, and thoughts.
In the end, if you do end the relationship, you’ll know you did it with intention and compassion.
Final thoughts
Think of a relationship break like pressing pause on a movie—you’re still in it; you just need a minute to step back, get clarity, or focus on yourself. Taking a break doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is doomed. It can help you figure out what’s working and what’s not to make the relationship even stronger.
It’s all about giving yourselves (both) the space to breathe, reflect, question, explore, and return to the relationship with more insight. With that insight, the confidence to move forward or recognize that it’s time to move on.
The key to a healthy and effective break is communication: set boundaries, agree on a time frame, and be crystal clear on your goals. It is not about taking space but how to use that time wisely.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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