In a recent research study, it was found that up to 22% of people engage in extramarital relationships. Infidelity, emotional or physical, will change the course of a relationship. The result is not the same for all couples; some find it too much to recover from, while others come out of the struggle intact. Regardless of the result, most would agree that the process is complicated and challenging. For so many people, the idea of infidelity triggers fears, worries, and core beliefs… it brings up so many questions and creates instability in your mental state.
In this article, we’ll cover some common questions that arise when infidelity (or suspected infidelity) occurs in a relationship. Within those questions, we’ll address some general information to help guide you through an emotional and challenging time.
What is cheating?
What seems like a simple question is debatable; even researchers can’t agree on a standard definition for infidelity.
- Debated Definition: Some say it occurs when one person feels the other has violated the agreements set in the relationship. Others define it as when a sexual or emotional act has occurred with a person outside of the relationship.
- Defined by Your Agreement: Every couple needs to set their own boundaries around what constitutes betrayal. There’s no universal answer.
- Broken Trust is Central: Infidelity involves actions that violate the promises made in the relationship, whether those are spoken or unspoken.
- Secrecy Matters: Cheating usually involves hiding an important emotional or physical connection from your partner.
Common (But Not Universal) Forms:
- Micro cheating: Small, secretive behaviors that flirt with emotional or romantic boundaries, like deleting messages or consistently engaging with one specific person on social media.
- Emotional Intimacy: Sharing deeply personal feelings with someone else instead of your partner, creating a bond that undermines your primary relationship.
- Sexual Activity: Any physical intimacy outside the agreed-upon boundaries of your relationship.
However, cheating is not an open relationship or differences in desire. If BOTH partners agree to other romantic or sexual connections, this is NOT infidelity. And it can be normal for partners to have mismatched libidos or interests – that’s not cheating and shouldn’t be treated as such.
Did I cause the cheating? Whose fault is it?
When you’ve been betrayed, it’s natural to wonder if you’re somehow at fault. Here’s the hard truth. Blame belongs to the cheater. It was their choice to break your trust, and it is their responsibility, regardless of any struggles in the relationship. Searching for a “reason” can make healing harder. Even if you understand why it happened, it doesn’t undo the pain. Relationship problems are rarely one-sided. But that doesn’t justify the cheating; it simply means there’s work to do for both partners.
Why does this happen? Cheating often signals deeper issues like poor communication, unmet needs, or a breakdown of intimacy. However, difficulties within the relationship don’t excuse betrayal. There are healthier ways to address problems than breaking your partner’s heart. Some common causes of infidelity include:
- Communication breakdown. Poor communication and misunderstandings can lead to feelings of disconnection, anger, and loneliness.
- Low satisfaction or unmet needs. Emotional and physical needs that are not met or unmet to a desired level in the relationship can drive one or both partners to seek fulfillment outside the relationship.
- External stressors. Work-related stress, financial difficulties, or family challenges can strain a relationship and create susceptibility to seeking relief or validation from others outside of the relationship.
- Past personal history. Personal experience with trust being broken, individual anxieties or insecurities, unresolved trauma, or a specific history of infidelity can cause increased friction in a relationship. These can increase the likelihood of engaging in extramarital affairs.
- High conflict. Increased levels of arguing, disagreements, or tension can also increase the probability of infidelity for one or both partners.
Why did I cheat?
We’ve discussed common factors that can increase the probability of infidelity in a relationship, but what personally may lead a person to engage in cheating behaviors? Individual motivations for cheating can vary widely and are influenced by complex interactions of psychological, emotional, and situational factors. Psychologist Shirley Glass, in her book, wrote that individuals may turn to infidelity as a way to:
- (1) fulfill unmet emotional needs,
- (2) seek validation or
- (3) address feelings of inadequacy within themselves.
Others have noted the role of desires for novelty, excitement, control, or a sense of autonomy in driving individuals towards cheating. Each person’s reason for infidelity is multifaceted; to honestly answer this question, the person has to be open with themselves. They have to explore and ask the hard questions – what in my past or personality led me here, what in my current life or relationship made it more likely, and how did I rationalize it to maintain the behavior?
Can we get over this? Will I ever trust them again?
Infidelity is a serious barrier for a relationship to overcome. It may be too much for some relationships to overcome, and understandably so. For those who want and can, there must be a solid willingness to forgive, effective communication, a clear path, agreement on how to move forward, and time for both parties to grieve and process. It takes time, patience, and lots of hard work and support. Don’t be afraid to lean on other resources and supports or pull in professional help, such as a couples therapist.
What about our friends & family?
For many couples, the impacts of infidelity can spill into other parts of their lives. It can impact their relationship with children, other family members, and friends.
Children Come First:
- Prioritize Their Well-Being: Even amidst your own pain, shielding kids from the worst of the conflict is crucial.
- Age-Appropriate Honesty: Being open, without assigning blame, helps them feel less confused when things are tense at home.
- Seek Professional Help: A child therapist offers invaluable support to kids processing this major change and gives you guidance as parents.
Lean on Loved Ones Wisely:
- Choose Support, Not Judgment: Identify those who’ll listen without blaming or offering unsolicited advice.
- Know What You Need: Do you want a shoulder to cry on, practical help, or just a distraction? Share that with your support system.
- Set Boundaries: It’s okay to tell people you’re not ready to discuss details or to avoid those who take sides.
- Focus on Your Healing: Your relationship with your partner is the priority – don’t let well-meaning outsiders derail the process.
Now what?
While infidelity can break down the foundation of a relationship, it is not necessarily the end. With time, commitment, and lots of hard conversations, a couple can navigate the aftermath to rebuild. Here are some areas to start with and focus on:
- Open and honest communication. Communication is necessary to move forward. This creates a space to share feelings, thoughts, and concerns appropriately and without judgment. This includes being transparent about what led to the infidelity and the underlying relational issues connected to it.
- Professional support for a safe space. All this is difficult; you shouldn’t have to do it alone! Lean on a professional who can translate, provide different perspectives, structure hard conversations, and help with the next steps. A couples therapist can help both partners explore their feelings, rebuild trust, and develop healthier strategies moving forward.
- Setting boundaries. Both partners must set clear and explicit boundaries to move forward. This will go a long way toward rebuilding trust. Boundaries can be as broad or detail-oriented as needed; the main thing is to be explicit with each other and to be sure both partners agree. They should also focus on how to prioritize your relationship.
- Assess commitment moving forward. Both partners really have to be committed to moving forward together. If any partner is not fully committed, take the time to pause and discuss. Each person must be willing to acknowledge their roles in relationship dynamics and how they must change to better the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you’re condoning or forgetting what happened, but you’re both committing to releasing the emotional burden to move forward.
- Focus on self-care. Take care of yourselves in this process. Find the time and activities that help you destress and build up the mental and physical endurance to do what you need to do. Maybe it’s spending time with a loved one, reading a book, or getting a walk in. These are important in your individual healing.
- Rebuilding intimacy, slowly. Reconnecting in any intimate nature will likely be odd and challenging. And it’s a crucial step to rebuilding the relationship. Take small steps to do this – spending quality time with one another or a hug or handholding. If it’s difficult, don’t be afraid to schedule it or make it a routine; it may feel weird at first to mandate that you both hug each other in the mornings, but the structure can be really beneficial.
The bottom line on infidelity in relationships
Infidelity is a complex and rough experience that can shake the foundation of any relationship. However, it’s not an immediate “game over” in many cases. While the road is not easy, with commitment, empathy, and professional support, couples can navigate the challenges of infidelity and emerge more resilient. Each couple’s path after infidelity varies, so focus on your own experience and what is truly best for you and your family. But know that you aren’t the only one to experience these questions, and there is a life after infidelity.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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