21 million Americans experience depression each year. When one partner is navigating life with depression, it can pose unique challenges to the relationship, especially as newlyweds. The key to remember is that depression is a constellation of symptoms that varies from person to person. What is consistent is the fact that depression has a huge impact on an individual’s daily life, making it hard to just “feel better.” Depression is a legitimate medical condition that deserves specialized care. Supporting a partner with depression requires patience, empathy, and knowledge. This article provides more information to guide you through the process, helping you support the one you love and build a strong foundation for your marriage.
Identify and understand your own biases
We all have beliefs and biases—it’s human nature! Understanding your own biases will go a long way toward effectively supporting your partner. This step allows you to understand your limitations better. How do you begin identifying your own biases? Try asking yourself these questions:
- Do you believe that depression can be overcome with willpower or that people can “snap out of it” if they try hard enough?
- Do you feel that people (or at least some) with depression have a personal weakness?
- Do you assume that all people with depression have the same symptoms or experience it the same?
- Do you believe people with depression should be able to complete their daily responsibilities?
- Do you think that a recent life event or stressor always causes depression?
- Do you believe that physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue can’t be related to depression?
- Do you have a picture in my head of what “someone with real depression” looks like?
- How do you know someone has “real” depression?
- Do you think medications or therapy are needed to treat depression?
- Do you think that depression will go away on its own?
- Do you believe positive thinking is the best way to feel better?
- What do you think of people who have experienced depression several times?
- Do you believe that someone with depression must have an obvious reason for feeling the way they do?
- Do you think that individuals with depression may be exaggerating their symptoms?
- Do you believe that physical illnesses are more serious than depression and other mental health challenges?
- Do you think someone with depression is aware of the impact their condition has on others?
These are not simple questions; your life experiences, childhood, and key people likely influence your answers. Why does identifying your biases matter? Because having a bias towards depression can lead you to certain negative behaviors that create a rift in your relationship.
For example, if you believe, deep down, that those with depression can become better through willpower, this bias can show up as:
- Frustration when your partner’s depression symptoms haven’t resolved
- Blaming your partner or yourself
- Doubting your partner
- Less motivation to help or engage in needed therapeutic interventions
- Conscious or unconscious disconnection with your partner
- Conscious or unconscious validation to seek support in (inappropriate) sources
- Inaccurate beliefs (e.g., “They don’t love me enough to get better,” “They don’t want to get better”)
- Yelling or arguing with your partner more
How do you change those biases? Make sure you really understand what depression is…keep reading to find out more about the condition.
Make sure you really understand depression
What can help with those biases? Understanding what depression truly is. According to the World Health Organization, more than 300 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Depression is more than just feeling sad or down; it’s a mental health condition that significantly impacts all aspects of a person’s life. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), or what most people refer to as depression, falls under the category of mood disorders. Mood disorders also include other depressive disorders and bipolar disorders. How does depression show up? Here are common symptoms:
- Sadness or low/depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in all activities
- Significant (unintentional) weight loss or gain
- Significant increase or decrease in appetite
- Difficulties falling asleep or sleeping much more than usual
- Psychomotor changes (i.e., lots of movement or significant slowing)
- Tiredness, fatigue, or low energy
- Feelings of worthiness
- Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt
- Difficulties thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
- Thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or self-harm
For those with depression, these symptoms are not due to experiencing a current loss (aka bereavement), other medical/psychiatric conditions, or substances. Other things to keep in mind about depression:
- Depressive episodes can be triggered by life events or stressors, and the depression may remain even when those other stressors have alleviated
- Experiencing a depressive episode can increase the likelihood of future episodes
- Symptoms can manifest as physical symptoms – headaches, stomach and digestive issues, or chronic pain
- There is a seasonal version of depression where depression occurs during specific seasons, like winter
- Many people with depression may still appear “happy”
- Depression often co-occurs alongside other mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, substance use, PTSD)
Learn more about the criteria for depression here.
How can you support your partner?
What can you do to support your partner as they battle depression? While each person (and possibly episode of depression) is different, here are some things to consider:
Emotional support
- Listen to them: Provide your partner with an open and nonjudgmental ear. When they’re speaking, give them your full attention—don’t interrupt, problem-solve, or give advice. Give your partner your full attention, and listen to understand.
- Create a safe space for expression: What makes your partner feel safe to talk about their depression openly?
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- A scheduled check-in (e.g., daily, weekly)
- A signal to let you know (this can be verbal or not)
- At home, a specific room, a nearby park… find a place that feels comforting
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- Avoid minimizing: Phrases such as “it’s not a big deal” or “don’t worry” often cause the listener to feel invalidated. Even if that is not the intention, you may use these phrases when you’re unsure how to respond, worried for the speaker, or anxious. Try phrases such as “That sounds really hard,” “What would be most helpful right now?” or open-ended questions.
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of yes or no questions, ask questions that allow your partner the space to elaborate on their feelings and thoughts. What’s an example of this? Imagine your response to “Are you feeling better?” versus “How are you feeling today and why?” The latter question gives you so much more information!
- Be patient: Depression often impacts a person’s concentration and communication skills. They may have difficulties finding the right words or the energy to communicate succinctly. Give your partner time to express themselves. Before you begin a conversation with your partner, ensure you aren’t in a time crunch yourself.
- Try other ways to communicate: Providing support and understanding your partner’s experience doesn’t have to happen through talks—use other resources!
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- Try a journal. Your partner can write what they want to share with you; it decreases the pressure on your partner and gives you space to read and process.
- Mood trackers. Not only is this helpful for your partner to track, but they can also share it with you. You’ll then have an idea of how they are feeling and how they have been feeling over a period of time. This is helpful to know when to implement interventions/strategies, identify triggers, and measure the effectiveness of various interventions.
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- Offer reassurance: How does your partner like to receive reassurance? It might be through words of affirmation/love, actions, or physical touch.
- Celebrate Small Victories: Acknowledge and celebrate any progress, no matter how small. This can boost your partner’s morale and encourage them to keep going.
Practical support
- Help with daily tasks: Depression often makes it really difficult for a person to do simple tasks. Help your partner by taking on more daily tasks (e.g., chores, cooking, scheduling) to reduce their stress.
- Partner with them in healthy habits: Physical health can make a big difference in depression symptoms–getting adequate sleep, physical movement, and nutrition are key. Make it easier for your partner by doing these things with them. Start small. Add a walk around the block or a new bedtime routine to help with sleep hygiene.
- Be a “protective barrier”: Healthy boundaries are crucial during this time, and your partner often won’t have the resources to enforce them. Be a bouncer for your partner! Help identify and hold those boundaries for them, and help minimize other stress sources. For example, if specific individuals trigger your partner’s symptoms (e.g., a friend or family member), jump in to decline seeing this person so your partner doesn’t have to.
- Give them space: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is nothing. Your partner may need space or need to lean on someone other than you. Don’t take it personally; just let your partner know you are there if they need you.
Keep your “gas tank” full (i.e., look after yourself, too)
It’s not an easy task to watch and support a loved one through depression; it can be physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially draining. Metaphorically, your gas tank (energy, emotional capacity, mental awareness…) must be full, or you won’t be able to support your partner and may even exacerbate their symptoms.
- Be realistic: You’re not Super(wo)man; although love is powerful, love alone can not cure depression. Know your limits and identify alternative resources. Don’t let your ego or fear keep your partner from getting the (additional) help they need.
- Build a personal support network: During this time, the dynamics in your relationship will be one-sided. This is valid and appropriate, but you will lose the support you had in the past—your partner. So, identify other people to lean on during this time; it should be someone you trust and can feel comfortable sharing your experience with.
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- Friends
- Family members
- Individual therapist
- Support groups (in-person or online)
- Support forums
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- Self-care: Monitor and ensure your own mood is stable. In other words, do things that help relieve stress and add a dose of positive emotions to your day. Need ideas? Try:
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- Physical movement
- Being outside in nature
- Hobbies (e.g., art, baking, video games, reading, gardening)
- Breathing exercises (one video from APA here)
- Time with other loved ones
- Other ideas here
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- Don’t take it personally: Don’t put too much stock into your partner’s actions during this time. For example, if they withdraw from you, don’t consider it a reliable indicator of your relationship. A person’s depression will make them act and do things they would otherwise not do. Protect your emotional wellness by not reading too much into your partner’s actions.
Work with a professional
While your support is invaluable, professional help is often essential for managing depression. Your role will likely be to help encourage and facilitate the process. This may include:
- Suggesting professional help: Encourage your partner to seek support from a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Offer to research providers and treatment modalities with them and accompany them to appointments if they’d like.
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- Pro Tip: Make sure that your partner (if they agree) signs a release of information (ROI) so their therapist can communicate with you.
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- Normalize therapy: Learn about it and talk about it as a valid and healthy way to manage mental health. This may also involve exploring and engaging in therapy yourself. Also, normalize that the process will take time—it’s likely that your partner will have to “try out” 2-3 therapists before finding the right fit.
- Resource finder: Help your partner find and get started with therapy or other resources. This can include:
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- Finding resources through the American Psychological Association or Psychology Today
- NAMI
- Calling your insurance carrier for more details on coverage and a list of in-network providers
- Be open to medication: Studies have found that a combination treatment (psychotherapy and medication treatment) is superior to antidepressants alone. While treatment should be individualized, for many people, antidepressants are a necessary component of treatment for some period of time. Be open to exploring it with your partner. Remember, you can see a provider for more information (benefits, side effects, process) to decide.
Dealing with crisis situations
There may be times when your partner’s depression becomes so severe that you are legitimately worried about their physical safety. This is an extremely difficult position to be in, and rather than ignore the possibility, it is best to prepare yourself as best as possible.
Important note: Preventing suicide, suicide ideation (thoughts, desire/intent, or plans of suicide), or self-harm is extremely challenging due to the complexity of the factors involved. Note that these are suggestions, but even professional interventions are ineffective.
- Work with a professional to identify and recognize warning signs: This may include your partner talking about wanting to die, withdrawing from loved ones, increased substance use, or wearing clothing to hide scars (for self-harming behaviors).
- Take threats seriously: Always take threats of self-harm or suicide seriously. Do not assume they are just for attention. Call your partner’s therapist, emergency services (911), crisis line, or take them to the nearest emergency room (if you can do so safely).
- Create a safe environment: Your partner’s therapist may suggest removing unsafe objects from the home. This may include items that are used for self-harm or suicidal plans (e.g., sharp objects, firearms, pills, belts).
Takeaway on dealing with a spouse with depression
Supporting a partner with depression is challenging, but you can make it through with time, perseverance, and outside support. Continue to stay informed about depression and emerging treatments to empower both of you and be prepared to adapt and adjust as you progress through the process. Remember that with the right support and treatment, many people with depression can lead fulfilling lives. Stay hopeful and remind your partner that things can improve, and together, you can navigate a difficult time to emerge stronger.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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