Feeling a little nervous before your wedding? Considering backing out? What if he/she isn’t the one? You’re not alone. What people call “cold feet” is a normal reaction to a significant life change and commitment. Let’s peek at the variety of ways cold feet can pop up from real people through Reddit’s vibrant communities—r/relationships, r/weddingplanning, and more.
*Examples are pulled from several different Reddit threads.
Example 1: Am I Making a Huge Mistake? from r/relationships
“I love my partner, but I keep thinking, ‘What if I’m wrong?’” Users described a mix of anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of the unknown, and *surprise surprise* this post resonated with hundreds of users.
If this resonates with you, know you’re not alone when questioning a huge life choice. But if you’re looking to address the concern, try a few of these tips:
- Reflect: Think about what is really causing your questioning. Are your concerns centered around your partner? The idea of marriage itself? Finance or timing?
- Use data: After pinpointing what is causing (most) of your questioning, you can find “data” to refute your fears—worried about choosing the “wrong” partner? Remind yourself of what drew you to your partner in the first place, the values you share, and the future you’ve envisioned together.
- Gratitude journaling: Try writing a gratitude list focusing on your relationship—everything you appreciate about your partner, the relationship, and life together. This can help bring clarity and is easy to access when cold feet arise.
Example 2: We Fight About Wedding Costs, and I’m Panicking from r/weddingplanning
Oh, wedding planning. Nowadays, the financial cost can easily balloon, so many couples have to prioritize budgeting. However, that can be more easily said than done. In this post, a user shares a common scenario–one partner feeling like the other was being overly extravagant while they felt constricted and forced to compromise on everything. This stress also started to bleed into different parts of their lives, leading to daily heated arguments and questions about whether this was the right path.
If these wedding arguments are triggering your cold feet, try:
- Find the root: Explore what is under the stress about money. Yes, there is definitely stress about finances, and fights about money are often not just about money; they’re often about communication, expectations, and values.
- Reframe the argument: Instead of being red flags, treat these disagreements as a chance to practice healthy conflict resolution and build a strong communication foundation.
- Share goals and compromise: Set aside time to share your financial goals and practice compromise.
- Be curious: Be genuinely curious about why your partner is making the decisions they’re making. Is it tied to their past, how they see the world, their values, or future goals? A better understanding often allows you to be more open to compromise.
Example #3: I’m Not as Excited as I Thought I’d Be from r/relationships
Every have the thought, “I thought I’d be overjoyed, but I feel… neutral?” Their lived experience was very different from their expectation, which may cause them to wonder if this was a sign not to get married.
This version of cold feet isn’t necessarily something the person should listen to; sometimes, our emotional reactions don’t match what we think they should be. This is also very true for big milestones because many of us can underestimate how much stress can overwhelm feelings of joy.
How do you deal with this version of “neutral” cold feet? Try:
- Mindful activities: Let yourself feel all your emotions and remain non-judgemental of them. Mindfulness exercises (like mindful walking) can help quiet your mind so you can identify all the feelings that crop up. The key is to notice them, not judge them, and see what the range of your emotional experience can tell you.
- Gratitude exercise: Identify three things (tied to your partner, the wedding, or this chapter of life) each day you are excited for, appreciative of, or that bring joy to your life. And each day, chose three different things. They can be something as small as
Example #4: I’m Scared of Losing Myself from r/women
Real talk? For many people, especially women, there is a fear that marriage is giving up their independence. Worrying about how their identity would change and whether they will lose sight of their own goals and interests is a valid fear!
What can you do to calm those worries? Try:
- Don’t do it alone: Share this with your partner so they can help support you. Worried about how they may take it? Frame it as an open question of maintaining your values in a significant life change and less about fearing your partner or marriage will ruin you.
- Teamwork: Be collaborative with your partner – how can you help each other thrive individually and as a couple?
- Non-negotiables: Identify and write down the values, interests, and goals you want to be sure don’t change with marriage. Review this list every week, month, quarter… whatever schedule makes you feel confident you don’t lose sight of this part of you!
- Be intentional with your time: Set time aside for hobbies, maintain close relationships outside your marriage, and pursue goals. Be clear with your partner about your needs so you can do so without guilt.
The key here is balance. Remember, marriage is a dynamic partnership, so you’ll have to check in continually.
Example #5: Therapy Saved My Relationship from r/therapy
One of the most upvoted posts out of all of the posts in this article? A post about premarital counseling!
Counseling is not just for a marriage or relationship in crisis. It creates a safe space for both partners to talk about concerns, practice using tools, and have a knowledgeable (and neutral) support person. Life, especially coming up to a wedding, can be crazy busy, so therapy is a time each week that lets you shut out all the noise and really focus on your relationship.
Therapy (individual or couples) is a powerful tool when you’re dealing with cold feet. It’s a place to explore your feelings, share your concerns with your partner, and have help in navigating all the ups and downs of a relationship.
Consider getting a prenup
If you have cold feet, would getting a prenup help ease some of your fears? Plus, having a prenup has tons of benefits, like getting the same financial page with your partner by aligning goals. You are required to jointly answer some marital questions like handling joint marital finances during the prenup process and disclose all of your finances to one another. These acts help you and your partner create a shared future vision for your marriage together.
Prenups are also a great way to ensure your assets (whether existing or future) are protecting in any scenario! And ditch the old notions that prenups are bad omens. Everyone’s getting them. In fact, nearly 50% of millennials are getting prenups!
Important note on cold feet
These tips are designed to help you navigate valid fears you may be experiencing before your wedding day. It’s essential to take the time to understand and explore your worries rather than rushing to “fix” them or push them aside.
In some cases, cold feet can be a valuable signal that something in your relationship or plans needs attention. But don’t immediately assume the worst or cancel the wedding!
Use this time to reflect on what’s happening, then decide on the best course of action—whether that means applying the tools outlined here or addressing specific areas of your relationship that need improvement before you feel ready to move forward with confidence.
Conclusion
Reddit proves you’re not alone; it’s normal to experience cold feet before your wedding! From doubts about your readiness to fears of losing yourself, these jitters are a natural part of preparing for a lifelong commitment.
The key? Addressing your concerns head-on, whether that’s through self-reflection, open communication, or seeking professional help.
Cold feet don’t mean you shouldn’t get married—they’re signaling that you care deeply about the step you’re about to take. So, do yourselves a favor and use this time to strengthen your bond and build the tools you’ll need for a successful partnership. After all, marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up for each other, even when things get tough.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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