Worldwide, a shocking 90% of women and 77% of men have admitted to committing emotional infidelity. 90%! Trust is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. But what happens when it’s shattered by emotional infidelity, also called emotional cheating? This form of betrayal can be just as devastating as physical infidelity. In this article, we’ll delve into what emotional infidelity means, its impact on relationships, and the question: is the hurt as deep as a physical affair?
What is emotional infidelity?
Emotional infidelity occurs when a person is emotionally attached to someone outside of their relationship, forming a bond that goes beyond friendship but falls short of physical intimacy. It is essentially another form of “cheating” in a relationship. Emotional infidelity can occur in person or online, and it often starts innocently, such as confiding in someone about personal issues or seeking emotional support outside of the relationship. However, it can also quickly escalate into a full-blown physical affair.
Signs of emotional infidelity
Many people wonder what the signs of emotional infidelity are. While everyone is different, and things may vary from couple to couple, look out for these changes in your relationship:
- Secrecy: Unexplained absences, hiding conversations, or being evasive about their activities.
- Emotional Distance: Reduced interest in connecting with you, seeming withdrawn or dismissive of your concerns.
- Decreased Intimacy: A decline in physical closeness or a lack of desire for sex with you specifically.
- Preoccupation: Seeming constantly distracted, lost in thought about something or someone else.
- Changes in Behavior: Unexplained irritability, defensiveness, or sudden shifts in how they act towards you.
And keep in mind, just because any of the above exist doesn’t mean that it’s automatically signaling emotional infidelity. These are just some of the possible signs that may exist.
How emotional infidelity affects relationships
While some may think they are sparing their partner by not physically cheating, that’s not the case. Emotional infidelity can have serious consequences, such as:
- Broken Trust: Discovering an emotional affair shatters trust, leading to feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and deep insecurity in the partner being cheated on.
- Hidden Damage: Even if the infidelity remains secret, the cheating partner’s guilt, shame, and fear can fuel avoidance and create distance in the relationship.
- Communication Breakdown: This damaging cycle of pain and withdrawal can further break down communication and intimacy.
- Potential for Separation: Over time, the loss of connection, whether the infidelity is revealed or not, can ultimately lead to a breakup or divorce.
Is emotional cheating as damaging as physical cheating?
The core wound inflicted by any infidelity is betrayal, a violation of trust that unleashes a wave of negative emotions. This holds true for both emotional and physical affairs. The pain inflicted on the partner can be equally devastating regardless of physical intimacy.
The Emotional Toll: Some argue that emotional infidelity can be even more hurtful than physical cheating. They believe the deep emotional connection formed during emotional cheating makes it harder to forgive.
Can emotional infidelity lead to physical infidelity?
While emotional infidelity does not always lead to physical infidelity, yes, it can be a precursor to it. Emotional infidelity can create a sense of intimacy and connection with someone outside of the relationship, which can make it easier to justify turning things physical.
Additionally, emotional infidelity can cause a breakdown in communication, trust, and intimacy in the original relationship, which can make it easier for one partner (or both) to seek physical intimacy outside of the relationship.
How to overcome emotional infidelity
If you or your partner has been emotionally unfaithful, it is possible to overcome it and rebuild your relationship with some time, effort, and work.
Healing starts with:
- Accountability: The partner who engaged in the affair must own their actions and the pain they caused.
- Openness: They must be willing to listen, understand their partner’s hurt, and address their needs.
- Willingness to Forgive (If Possible): The betrayed partner needs to be ready to hear their partner’s remorse and commitment to change.
How Therapy Can Help:
- Couples Therapy: Addresses the causes of the affair and guides the couple in rebuilding their relationship.
- Individual Therapy: Provides safe spaces for each partner to process emotions and explore their needs independently.
The Long Path to Trust:
Rebuilding trust after betrayal demands effort. Clear boundaries and open communication are key. The betrayed partner may need new rules around their partner’s friendships or work relationships. These should be mutually agreed upon to support healing.
How to avoid emotional infidelity in your relationship
You can’t protect yourself from every painful situation in life, but there are ways to continually strengthen your relationship.
- Open Communication: Regularly discuss feelings, needs, and changes in your individual lives. This creates space for the relationship to grow with you. For example, if you made a mistake, such as staying out too late one night, be open with your spouse about why that happened, what was going through your mind, and how you truly feel about going out late. Maybe you feel like it’s an escape from the marriage, or maybe it was truly a one-time thing. Be honest!
- Respecting Boundaries: Establish clear expectations for how each partner interacts with others outside the relationship. This builds trust and preempts potential misunderstanding. For instance, if you are uncomfortable with the idea of your partner attending happy hour with female colleagues (because they cheated before with a colleague), express this to them!
- Prioritize Connection: Schedule quality time for emotional, social, and physical intimacy. Date nights, deep talks, and shared hobbies strengthen your bond. Whether it’s a movie night on the couch or a full-blow weekend gateway, you can do whatever makes sense for you both.
Can emotional infidelity be forgiven? It depends…
Forgiveness after emotional betrayal is possible, but it’s a complex process influenced by several factors:
- Accountability and Remorse: The partner who engaged in the affair must fully own their actions, express genuine regret, and actively work to rebuild trust. There’s no room for “Well, I did it because you did this…” That is not going to repair the relationship, nor will it be any form of accountability.
- The Betrayed Partner’s Willingness: Healing requires the hurt partner to process their emotions, find the strength to forgive, and believe their partner is truly committed to change. They may need weeks, months, or even years to process. If you want the relationship to work, allow them time to process it.
- The Nature of the Affair: The intensity, duration, and context of the emotional infidelity can impact the difficulty of forgiveness. For instance, if it was a one-night thing, it may be less intense of a repair. If it was a full-blown relationship affair with a friend everyone knew, it may take some time.
- Professional Support: Couples therapy can create a safe space for processing the betrayal, rebuilding communication, and setting boundaries to move forward.
Additional Considerations:
- Individual Differences: Every person and relationship is unique. Some people may find forgiveness easier than others. Just because Jane down the street forgave her husband in a month and moved on doesn’t mean your partner will do the same (nor should they be expected to).
- Forgiveness is a Process: It takes time, communication, and ongoing effort from both partners. There’s no guarantee of lasting success. It’s something you need to commit to for the long-haul.
When to seek professional help
If emotional infidelity is causing significant distress in your relationship and you are struggling to resolve it on your own, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A couples therapist can help you and your partner work through the underlying issues that led to the infidelity and find ways to rebuild trust and connection in your relationship.
Understanding the impact and finding hope
In summary, emotional infidelity violates the trust essential to a healthy relationship. The betrayal and emotional wounds can be as severe as those caused by physical infidelity and may ultimately lead to a breakup or divorce.
However, healing is possible. Open communication, potentially aided by couples therapy, is vital. The partner who caused the hurt must take full responsibility, and both partners must be committed to rebuilding trust for the relationship to have a future.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about emotional infidelity
Let’s explore your questions about emotional infidelity in depth below.
Q: Can emotional infidelity ever be justified?
A: “Justified” suggests that the end result is to be right or wrong. In most relationships, things are rarely black or white. Infidelity, in any form, represents a betrayal; the partner who was cheated on may feel a range of feelings (e.g., anger, sadness, embarrassment). While there may be reasons the unfaithful partner believed led them to their actions, in the end, there are healthier ways to address the issues in a relationship than infidelity.
Q: How long does it take to recover from emotional infidelity?
A: This is a very personal question and will completely depend on the individual and the circumstances of the infidelity.
Q: What are some common reasons why people engage in emotional infidelity?
A: It’s impossible to say why a person engages in emotional infidelity, especially without knowing who is involved, the context, and the relationship, but at the core, many people engage in infidelity to fill something they believe is missing or to fix something in their lives. Oftentimes, it may have nothing to do with their partner or with their relationship but is tied to something more internal within that one person.
Q: Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after emotional infidelity?
A: It is possible, with time, effort, and commitment on both sides.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is the Founding Psychologist at Pace Groups. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to improving the lives of clients across the lifespan. Background-wise, she’s been trained and worked in academic centers and hospitals (Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Kaiser and Rady Children’s), and utilizes evidence-based treatments and research to enhance non-clinical, supportive services.
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