It may have started as a typical evening—a new episode of Severance, takeout—and then, out of nowhere, the love of your life says, “I think we should get a postnup.” A what now? Your brain goes into overdrive trying to process what he just said. Fears start flooding in. Is he planning to leave? Has something terrible happened? Is there a secret inheritance you don’t know about?
No matter how the postnup conversation begins, it can throw anyone off balance. But a postnuptial agreement isn’t an omen of impending doom. It’s not necessarily a sign that your marriage is in trouble, but it does suggest that your husband is thinking ahead and wants to ensure you’re both on the same page. Let’s walk through some potential factors that might be nudging him toward a postnup—and what it means for your marriage.
It may be a concern about financial certainty
Humans are… funny. Despite our technological advancements, there are many ways that we still operate like our ancestors. One way? We’re obsessed with security.
In today’s world, security often translates to financial stability. Just as our ancestors stockpiled food for the winter, modern couples want to ensure they have enough in their “stash” to weather future hardships. Anxiety around money is one of the most significant stressors in a relationship.
Some people thrive on predictability. If your husband tends to be risk-averse, a postnup might not be so surprising. On the other hand, if he’s more spontaneous and this feels way out of left field, consider any recent changes. Maybe the wedding excitement has settled, you’re expecting your first child, starting a business, or dealing with a death in the family. Life transitions often spark deep reflections about the future.
For most, a postnup isn’t about love; it’s about risk management. And given life’s unpredictability, even the strongest marriages can benefit from proactive planning.
He may feel vulnerable and be seeking more control
People seek control in situations where they feel vulnerable. And marriage is a coin with two side— joy and vulnerability.
The level of vulnerability we can tolerate varies across individuals, situations, and life stages. And like any physical muscle, our vulnerability also needs to be built up over time and maintained.
For your husband, a postnup might be a way to regain a sense of control when he is feeling increasingly vulnerable. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a negative coping strategy; he could be feeling out of control due to external stressors like work, health concerns, or family dynamics.
Or, maybe he feels vulnerable about you both as a couple and sees a postnup as a way to reduce any “risk.” If there has been past difficulty in the relationship, this could be his attempt to create a safety net.
That said, a postnup shouldn’t be used to avoid necessary conversations. It should help face the discomfort head-on and, hopefully, create a space for productive discussions.
He may be seeking fairness under changing circumstances
Behavioral economics research shows that people are more likely to accept deals they perceive as fair—even if the actual numbers don’t change. In other words? Humans gravitate toward fairness. A postnup can be your husband’s way of ensuring what he sees as a “fair” arrangement, especially if circumstances have changed since you got married.
For example:
- Did one of you quit a job to take care of kids?
- Did one of you inherit money that wasn’t originally part of the financial equation?
- Has one of you started earning significantly more or less than the other?
As we noted before, the concept of what is “fair” changes significantly, and you don’t necessarily have to agree to your husband’s definition. Instead, the critical thing to walk away with is his communication and intention to create a more fair agreement. As long as he is open to having discussions and collaborations so the postnup is fair for you both, this can be a golden opportunity for you both to ensure you’re on even ground.
He may be coming from a logistical and practical standpoint
Sometimes, it boils down to logistics. The request for a postnup may be driven less by emotions and more by a practical concern.
For example:
- If your husband started a business, he might need a postnup to clarify what is separate property.
- If you’re moving to a state with different marital property laws, a postnup can clarify how assets will be handled.
- If he anticipates a significant financial event—such as selling a company, receiving stock options, or inheriting money—a postnup could help him plan ahead.
While it is impossible to separate any event from emotions (as much as we try), in these cases, it may be highly likely that it’s an appropriate response to a life change to prevent future complications. Much like updating a will or refinancing a mortgage, it’s a responsible step toward financial clarity.
The rom-com curse: Marriage is about more than just love
Romantic comedies have done us a real disservice. They tell us that love conquers all and that anything less is selling ourselves short. But let’s be honest: love doesn’t solve it all.
While love can be the spark or the foundation, every relationship needs other ingredients to maintain the marriage. Open, honest discussions are one of those ingredients. Avoiding difficult conversations or leaning toward “it’ll all work out” or “why jinx the future” allows cracks to grow in your marriage that could be quickly addressed earlier.
Think of it this way: You don’t buy car insurance because you plan on crashing. You buy it because, statistically, accidents can happen. A postnup follows the same logic.
Your emotional reaction to a postnup request
It’s natural to feel surprised, hurt, or even suspicious when your partner brings up a postnup. But those feelings don’t have to drive your actions.
Start by asking yourself:
- What emotions am I experiencing right now? Can I allow them to exist without judgment?
- What are my core values in this marriage? How can I act in alignment with those values?
- How can I engage in this conversation with openness rather than defensiveness?
These questions help separate your feelings from the situation, allowing space for a productive discussion rather than a reactive argument. If this is truly about protecting both of you in the long run, there’s room for a meaningful conversation.
Trust your gut if you think something is genuinely off
And sometimes you just get that gut feeling that something is off. If you’ve taken the time to consider the various reasons why your husband is asking for a postnup and all signs are pointing to self-serving reasons, don’t ignore it.
Is there a history of infidelity? Is this request coming at a time of marriage-breaking stress? If so, be sure that the discussions and the actual postnup itself do not put you at a disadvantage. How can you do that? Reach out to experts (your lawyer or financial advisor) to ensure you’re equipped with the right information to advocate and protect yourself.
The takeaway
If your husband wants a postnup, it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It can come up for a whole host of reasons–some tied to his own emotional experience, some tied to life changes. It may even be for a reason not listed here. Either way, before spiraling into your worst fears, consider alternative reasons for his requests to help inform you of your next steps.
If nothing else, it’s a chance to have a conversation about your shared goals, fears, and values. It’s a chance to pull in experts to learn what a postnup really is and how it can benefit you both. At the end of the day, the strongest marriages aren’t the ones that avoid tough discussions—they’re the ones that welcome them into the relationship (even begrudgingly).
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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