You’ve dreamed of this day since you were a little kid – meeting that person whom you can imagine growing old together with. Or, you never wanted to get married, yet here you are… secretly making Pinterest boards for the most epic wedding party (don’t worry, we won’t tell).
Either way, you’re here and ready. But are you and your partner prepared for all a marriage will bring (the good and the bad)? Don’t let yourselves be caught off guard–have the crucial conversations about marriage now. These conversations will make sure you’re both on the same page.
Talking about marriage isn’t just, “Should we get married or not?” It includes a whole lot more. Here are 10 topics and must-dos for you and your partner:
1. Don’t do it on the fly
There’s a time and place for spontaneity, and these conversations usually benefit from some planning. First, set the mood. Find a private, quiet place to talk without distractions or interruptions. Since these topics can bring up many different emotions, having a space for anything that might arise can help you and your partner feel safe. In other words, don’t do it at your favorite bar, no matter how good the happy hour deals are.
Second, don’t add stress. Possibly heavy topics + stressful life events? Not an ideal recipe. There’s no perfect time, but I’d recommend avoiding times of high stress. Does your partner have a job interview this week? Doing it right before or right after probably isn’t the best time. Running late to a family birthday party? Bringing this up in the car is also not recommended.
2. Be clear, but stay flexible
Be clear about your intention (for the conversation), but be open to where the discussion goes or how long it may take. Start by stating your goal. For example, “Hey, I wanted to chat about our financial goals after the wedding. Can we talk about that this week?” or “Where do we see ourselves in like 10 years? No rush, but can we talk about it more this weekend?”
Also, it’s important to keep a flexible agenda (i.e., no strict schedules). For instance, saying, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” “Anything you want to add?” “Oh, I hadn’t thought about that; let’s talk about that too, or talk about that tomorrow?”
3. Don’t be shy about what you want
This is not a time to be shy; share your hopes, dreams, and goals. Don’t let yourselves be caught off guard. It’s fine if you don’t have a clear direction; just the practice of discussing your expectations and goals with each other is beneficial.
- Life Goals: Where do you see yourselves in five, ten, or twenty years? What is on your bucket list? It could be anything from “I want to be happy and loved” to “I want us to retire in 25 years and travel.”
- Career Dreams: Take the opportunity to talk about your careers, plans, or dreams. Are there any significant career changes desired or anticipated? What would either of you do if you lost your current job?
- Kids: This one is a doozy. Don’t assume you both want the same thing or that you’ll figure it out as you go. Be clear–do you want kids? When? How many? It’s a big conversation, so don’t be afraid to delve deep into this conversation.
- Living arrangements: 28.2 million people in the US moved in 2022, so there is a good chance you might be one of them during your marriage. Where do you each want to live? Are you open to relocating if necessary? Moving for career advancement is a no-brainer for one partner, but moving because of the weather is unthinkable.
4. Align on values and beliefs
Our values and beliefs are a tremendous part of who we are. While you may assume your values and beliefs are aligned with your partner’s, you won’t know until you talk about them. But how do you align on values and beliefs? Here are some tips:
- Discuss core values: Values are often described as the primary drivers of our mental processes and behaviors. You know, no biggie. So what are your fundamental values, and which are aligned with each other? Not sure which values are frontrunners? Utilize a value sort exercise to help.
- Discuss religious beliefs: How many of us were taught to never talk about religion, politics, or money? Throw it out the window! How important is religion or spirituality in your life? How will it play a role in your marriage? Is it important to have your family members, and how will that impact your marriage?
- Discuss your cultural backgrounds: Take a moment and identify your culture and traditions. Which are important to you, and which do you want to continue? Do any of those change with age or a change in family (like parenthood)?
5. Talk about money
Money could fall under other parts of this article, but it was important to give its own section.
- Financial Management. How will you manage your finances? Will you have joint or separate accounts or a combination of both?
- Spending and Saving. What are your spending habits? How do you plan to save for the future? What should you both have a say in, and what is a private decision?
- Debt. This can bring up different emotions, so be kind to one another. And be transparent; what debts do you bring, and how do you plan to handle them? What level of debt causes anxiety for you?
- Financial Goals. What are your financial goals as a couple and individual? This might include buying a house, saving for retirement, or planning trips.
- Value. What does money mean to you beyond its dollar value? Does money represent security, power, or achievement? Reflect on your history with money. How does it shape your behaviors today? For instance, if you grew up with financial hardships, you might be more prone to impulsive spending now that you have the means.
6. Argue constructively
Step into the ring (metaphorically) and prepare yourselves to argue and disagree…but do it constructively. Here’s how:
- Align Communication Styles: How do you communicate during conflicts and disagreements? Do you use sarcasm, make statements starting with “you,” or find it hard to share your feelings? Understand each other’s communication styles to see where misalignments are.
- Practice Conflict Resolution: Don’t wait till you fight to develop a strategy for resolving conflicts. This might include taking a break, seeking third-party mediation, or using other communication tools (e.g., text, email).
- Remember to Compromise: Be prepared to make compromises. Understand that you won’t always agree, but finding a middle ground is essential to benefit you both. Remember, compromise is only a compromise when both people work together—if one person is always giving in (and the only one doing so), that’s not compromising.
7. Marital roles
Discuss roles and responsibilities in the marriage. Not only the logistics, but also how you each define them and how you’ll navigate future changes.
- Household Chores: Seems elementary, but the daily tasks make an impact on your lives. Feeling like you’re doing all the chores is a surefire way to build up resentment. So, how will you divide household chores? How will you ask for help or remind each other if things are not done?
- Decision Making: Be clear on how you’ll make decisions as a couple. Are there certain decisions one person should lead, or will all decisions be made jointly? What are considered “couple” decisions, and what are considered individual? Don’t stop there—be on the same page about how you’ll share the outcome of decisions with each other.
- Relationship Roles: Which roles do you each fulfill in the relationship? The supporter, accountant, homemaker, caregiver, and breadwinner are all examples of roles we tend to assume. How do you feel about your current roles, and what do you want to change in a marriage?
8. The birds and the bees
This area may be fine and dandy now, but hey, why not make it even better?
- Setting Expectations: Practice sharing about your needs and expectations. This can cover frequency preferences, dislikes, initiation, and hard stops. Making this a normal part of your conversation will help you adjust as life changes (e.g., parenthood, illness, age).
- Emotional Intimacy: How would you describe emotional intimacy, and how do you keep it alive? This can involve date nights, a question game, or doing something new together.
- Affection: How do you express love and affection? How would you like to receive it? We all have our own love languages (hello, acts of service!), and understanding each other will help you know how to communicate.
9. Future planning
Ah, to imagine the #retiredlife. What do you envision, and does that match up? Why or why not? One partner imagines life on the beach, while the other sees themselves in a mountain cabin, which isn’t a dealbreaker, but what happens if your partner never wants to retire and you want to retire at 40? Those two goals will drive pretty different decisions, so have some conversations about them!
Don’t forget to discuss health and long-term care. This topic is a bit of a downer, but your partner will be the primary person you turn to if the unthinkable happens. Discuss how you’ll handle potential health issues, long-term care, and anything you don’t want to occur.
10. Explore a prenup
A prenup is not only a financial tool; it’s also an opportunity to discuss important issues before you legally bind yourselves to each other. Approach the topic of a prenuptial agreement openly and honestly. It’s not about lack of trust but about clarity and protection. If you’re feeling a little nervous, use some of the tools here. Consider seeking legal advice to ensure both parties understand the implications and benefits of a prenup. It helps to have someone who can answer your questions about your situation.
Final thoughts on talking to your partner about marriage
Talking about marriage isn’t just about whether or not you should take the plunge; it’s about how you want to live your life with the person of your choosing. Taking the initiative and having these conversations now will help you understand each other better, align your goals, and better navigate potential challenges. You’ll be able to enter your marriage confidently and with a deeper connection, knowing you’re both committed to building a happy and healthy life together!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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