What do you do when the people you love the most don’t love (or even like) each other? Navigating any relationship can be a complex process. In the context of a romantic relationship, conflicts between your partner and your friends can add significant stress, both personally and relationally. This article will explore common scenarios that drive conflict between partners and your friends/family, potential impacts on a relationship, and strategies to resolve them.
How this conflict can impact you
If your boyfriend/girlfriend and your family/friends hate each other… that’s an extremely difficult situation for you. You may find yourself torn between your partner and your family/friend(s). Being in the middle and playing the peacemaker can be exhausting—you may experience feelings of guilt, frustration, and isolation. All these have a significant impact on your mental health and are likely to strain all your relationships.
Why don’t they get along?!
There can be many reasons why your partner and friends may not get along. Let’s try to better understand the root and nature of the conflict. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Have they had any serious disagreements or ruptures? For example, maybe there was that one time, years ago, that your boyfriend and BFF had a blowout fight. It was ages ago, it shouldn’t matter anymore, right?! Maybe, maybe not. Consider it a possibility!
- Do challenges in the marriage/partnership color your friend’s view? Or vice versa? For example, do you constantly complain about your girlfriend to your Mom? She may be creating a negative view of your girlfriend in her head because all she hears is negative.
- How would you describe your partner? Your family/friend(s)? Are their personalities complementary or a mismatch? For example, does your partner live a more conservative lifestyle, whereas your family/friends are more liberal/free-spirited? This may be causing a divide.
- Do you enjoy spending time with your partner and friends, or do you prefer to spend quality time with them apart? For instance, how are you dividing up your time with them? Do you only hang out with friends or family when you have your partner with you?
- How would you describe your relationship with both your partner and friend individually? For instance, what is the foundation of the bond with your friends/family versus with your partner?
Common scenarios as to why people don’t get along
Now that you have a little more information about your specific situation, let’s look at several common scenarios as to why people may not be getting along. Some common scenarios include:
- Differences in values: Your partner and friends may hold conflicting values or beliefs, leading to awkward moments, disagreements, or judgmental clashes. For example, your partner may value planning and take the lead in planning out activities for trips. On the other hand, your best friend values spontaneity and likes to see what the day brings. Each sees the other’s value negatively – your partner views your bestie as “flaky,” while your best friend thinks your partner is “rigid and a stick-in-the-mud.” Other differing views may include politics (a hot topic), religion, or how relationships/friendships function.
- Past incidents: Previous conflicts or misunderstandings between your partner and friends may never have been resolved, leading to lingering resentment or hostility. Also, past incidents between you and your friends or you and your partner may bias each party against the other.
- Jealousy: Sometimes, friends or family can feel jealous or miss the time spent together, while our partner may feel de-prioritized compared to your close friendships. It may be difficult to process and adjust to new roles – roles of the confidant, supporter, cheerleader, or “best friend.” While we may logically know that more than one person can fill each role, it can take time to process the emotions.
- Miscommunications: Is there poor communication or frequent misunderstandings? These can exacerbate tensions and make conflicts bigger. An open and honest conversation can nip the negative impacts, but avoiding these conversations is common. This creates a cycle where the miscommunications build on each other, making it harder and harder to address.
What can I do?
There are strategies for resolving conflicts between your partner and your friends. It may take some time, patience, and empathy, but it can be done if all parties are on board! Here are some strategies to try to resolve this issue:
- Talk it out: Encourage your partner to talk openly and honestly with one another. Remove yourself as much as possible – help them have the conversation directly with each other and not use you as a middleman.
- Identify patterns of behaviors: Are there patterns to when the conflict occurs? Are your partner and friends okay one-on-one, but is it difficult in a group or a bigger social setting? Establishing a pattern can help narrow down how to resolve the conflict or better understand what is happening.
- Set boundaries: To help minimize further conflicts, set clear boundaries with your partner and friends regarding acceptable behaviors and communication. Encourage each side to make requests so that there can be a mutual level of respect and understanding.
- Focus on the positive: Encourage your partner and friend to focus on what they enjoy or appreciate about the other person. Find common ground or neutral topics to rebuild their relationships. For example, maybe your BFF hates your boyfriend, but one thing she can respect is his hard work ethic and the way he treats you. Focusing on the positives can help mitigate any other issues.
- Compromise: Encourage both sides to find the middle ground. What can they each compromise on? They both will need to find a way to accommodate each other.
- Add in a mediator: If the situation has become so significant, consider a neutral third party, like a mediator or therapist. I know this may seem “silly” – a therapist for my partner’s relationship with my family or friends? But if these are important relationships in your life, it will be difficult if they don’t get along to some degree.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself
Depending on the severity of the conflict, this may be extremely distressing for you. So don’t forget to take care of yourself! Here are some ways you can practice some self-care:
- Seek support: Reach out to other trusted supports in your life – other friends and family members. If they know your partner and friend(s), they may also be able to shed some light on the situation from their POV. It’s also helpful to have trusted people to be honest with as you go through this process.
- Know when to step back: At the end of the day, your partner and friend(s) have to take responsibility for their relationship—they have to put in the work, and if they are not willing to, then there may be nothing you can do at this time.
- Self-care: Prioritize time for yourself. If time with your partner and friends is stressful, don’t feel bad about scheduling solo time to care for yourself.
- Make yourself Switzerland: There may be times when you need to declare yourself a neutral state. Tell both parties you will not be their sounding board for all their grievances about each other. You’re not taking sides – you’re protecting yourself and your individual relationship with each party.
The bottom line
At the end of the day, we just want all our loved ones to get along. When there are conflicts between your partner and family/friends, that can make life really challenging. However, it doesn’t automatically mean we have to make a choice between them. By understanding the underlying dynamics of their relationship, improving communication methods, and seeking support when needed, you can all navigate these challenges and come out in a better space. But remember – there is only so much you can do. For this relationship to work, your partner and your friend(s) must put in the effort and commitment to resolve their differences. Just know it can be done with patience and perseverance! Good luck.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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