They say opposites attract, but what happens when those differences start to clash? As much as we’d like to believe that love conquers all, the reality is that every relationship requires a healthy dose of compromise. Whether it’s deciding where to go on vacation, how to spend your free time, or even what to have for dinner, learning to navigate differences as a couple is essential for building a strong and long-lasting partnership. But what about financial compromise? The path is not always as clear. So, let’s explore the art and intricacies of successful financial compromise and discover how embracing your differences can actually bring you closer together.
Understanding differences
I advocate for every person to talk about money and finances from the get-go in their relationship. You want to know whether your views on spending, saving, and investing for your future align harmoniously or have an Atlantic-sized gap between them. Before we dive into the nitty-gritty of compromise, it’s worth noting that different viewpoints and mindsets aren’t a default bad thing. It can, in fact, be a superpower if handled correctly, which we’re going to cover below. While differences may lead to occasional disagreements, just know that there may be hidden gifts to be discovered in them, too.
The flip side of financial compromise
Before we explore the benefits and tips for successful financial compromise, let’s look at what happens when it doesn’t exist. For this, let me introduce you to a couple I know personally, who we’ll call John and Janet.
These two met in their twenties, fell madly in love, and got married. In the early years, money and finances were never a topic of discussion, and when it finally was, it led to high levels of tension, frustration, and stress. You see, John was super conservative, an all-out saver with no desire to spend. Janet was the opposite, enjoying her trips away and interior design updates to their beautiful home.
These two could never find a common understanding and had opted for separate bank accounts from the beginning, maintaining full financial autonomy, with neither having any particular awareness of what the other’s financial situation ever was. But, like most things swept under the rug, you’re going to trip over them eventually. And that’s exactly what happened to these two.
The lack of common ground, understanding, and compromise between the two all came to the surface. John insisted she still pay her half of the mortgage, and the financial wedge between the two ultimately grew bigger. Despite so many other aspects of their relationship going well, the lack of financial compromise and understanding between them ultimately kept them stuck and forever financially separated. They eventually filed for divorce, unable to find a way forward.
Money is the root of all evil
I share this story to dispel the myth that love alone conquers all. And while money certainly isn’t the root of all evil, in relationships, it seems to be the root of breakdown. Unfortunately the story of Janet and John is not a unique one. Research by the University of Tennessee found that irrespective of how happy a couple is, money is still an issue that they continually disagree upon and about 40% of divorces in the US result due to such financial issues.
If nothing else, let this be a reminder in your own relationship of the importance of moving beyond the initial discomfort of talking about money and opting instead for having honest conversations about finances, being open to compromise, and understanding your partner’s financial viewpoint. Your relationship will thank you for it.
The upside of financial compromise
Now you’ve seen the dark side of what happens when there’s a lack of financial compromise, let’s talk about why it is so important in a relationship and the steps to navigate any differences together. First and foremost, the whole purpose of compromise is to foster teamwork and collaboration. So even though the focus is financial, by working together to find common ground, you’re working on building a stronger relationship, too. Win-win!
Compromise also promotes empathy, understanding, and trust as you learn to see things from each other’s perspectives and appreciate one another’s viewpoints. Also, by embracing one another’s differences, you can experience how 2+2=5. For example, if you’re a super saver and your partner is a thrifty spender, maybe there’s something you can both learn from one another and arrive at a middle ground that would benefit both of you to live a more financially optimum life.
Your financial views can change
The myth that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks just isn’t true. You and your partner’s viewpoints on money aren’t set in stone. They have been formed from the money narratives held by your family when you were a child and shaped by your access, or lack thereof, to financial education as you became an adult. They’re just repeated thoughts that became beliefs, which formed a specific lens through which you both now see the world. But that lens can be changed – if you want it to.
This is reiterated by Dr. Alex Melkumian, founder of the Financial Psychology Center, who shares that “the foundation of anyone’s understanding and relationship with money is based on their family of origin coupled with any financial literacy education they receive throughout their life.”
What the experts say
But don’t just take my word for it. According to a 2022 study by the Mersin University, couples who apply constructive conflict resolution, which includes compromise, are more likely to experience higher levels of satisfaction and stability in their marriage.
To further emphasize the importance of compromise, Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, highlights the role of compromise in building strong and healthy relationships, stating, “Compromise is essential for navigating the inevitable conflicts that arise in any relationship. It requires both partners to prioritize understanding and empathy over being right.”
Practical steps toward compromise
Now that we’ve established the importance of compromise and why you might want to give it a try, along with the dangerous pitfalls due to the lack of it, let’s explore some practical tips for navigating inevitable financial differences as a couple. As I said at the beginning, this is an art, not a science, so explore the options below and decide what approach will work best for you. Your relationship is as unique as you are, so there won’t ever be a ‘one size fits all’ solution. The key here lies in the willingness to explore and a commitment to finding a solution together.
Step 1: Set your money date
To get on the same page, it’s key to first set aside dedicated time to do so. Everyone is busy, and since smartphones now provide instant digital highs, our attention spans have dropped dramatically! So first things first, talk with your partner and decide what day and time, every week if you’re just starting, or every month thereafter, you will set aside to check in. Keep this as a non-negotiable. Just like you would have for your romantic dates when you first met one another.
Step 2: Honest, judgment-free communication
During your money dates, your aim is to get on the same page. This is your time to address any financial concerns, either about your own situation or that of your partner, in a judgment-free space. The power of this is it avoids the need to bring up issues haphazardly throughout the week, which, if timed wrongly, could spark an unnecessary argument.
This is your time when you both understand that potentially difficult conversations are to be had, and it’s okay. You’re in it together, and remember, you’re doing this because you care about each other. Make a rule, though: what happens on the money date stays on the money date, and don’t drag any potential aggravation from the conversations into the rest of the week.
Step 3: Keep an open mind
Come to your money date with the awareness that you don’t know everything, and your viewpoint could be wrong. Be open to understanding where your partner is coming from too, and hear them out. Don’t just assume they’re wrong. Remember, too, that money chats can be emotionally triggering. Oftentimes, when a partner raises a concern or issue targeted at you, it can feel like a personal attack. To help overcome this, write the issue down on a piece of paper and put it in the middle of the table. Then, instead of it being ‘your issue’ or ‘their issue,’ it becomes this separate, objective issue, outside the both of you, that you get to tackle together, respectfully.
Step 4: Be empathetic and understanding
As I shared above, our money stories and habits are deep rooted since our childhood and can be very emotionally fueled, especially when being brought up by the person we are so attached to. Approach your money dates with empathy, kindness, and understanding. See your partner as the whole person that they are, with the context of their unique upbringing and background in mind, too.
Step 5: Be flexible and willing to negotiate
Compromise requires give-and-take. It’s a balance. It won’t always be 50/50, but it should certainly never be all on one person. Be prepared to compromise and find a middle ground. It’s not about just getting your own way – but rather about finding a mutually agreeable solution that strengthens your relationship in the present and in the future. Always remember, you’re a team, and the success of your partner is the success of your shared relationship and you personally, too.
Step 6: If you’re stuck, seek support
Sometimes, regardless of the best intentions, you may not be able to see eye to eye on a particular financial situation. Maybe they’re a hard-core saver, working towards their FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) number, and you’re yearning for a bit more carpe diem energy to reinvigorate your union. Don’t be afraid to ask for outside support, be it therapy, coaching, or counseling. There are many great options these days, and maybe that one session is all you both need to break the tension and find the compromise you’re both seeking.
Step 7: Keep the goal in mind
Whether you need to write it down at the start of each money date or say it aloud to each other, remember that the goal is to strengthen each other’s relationship so you don’t become a future divorce statistic. The discomfort, awkwardness, or challenges you might face now as you begin to work on greater compromise together is for the purpose of preventing a much greater pain down the road.
The bottom line
To summarize this conversation on the art of compromise, you now know that it is an essential skill for all couples to work on in order to successfully navigate the ups and downs of relationships. By embracing your differences, communicating openly, and being willing to negotiate, you can overcome obstacles together and build a stronger, more resilient partnership by finding compromise that works for you both.
Laura Tynan is the founder of The Witch of Wall Street, a personal finance and investing community, where women are shown how to manage, multiply and manifest money, using simple strategies. Laura holds a BSc Hons in Finance, is a Chartered Accountant, and is certified in EFT Tapping, Breathwork, and RRT. She has been recognized by the Financial Times as a Top 20 Future Female Leader and by Yahoo! Finance as a Global Champion of Women in Business. She is a multi-award-winning speaker who has spoken at, and been featured in, Forbes. Laura hosts The Witch of Wall Street podcast and is the author of the personal finance and investing book for women, by the same name, which is available now on Amazon.
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