Few things sting like criticism from a partner. And the sting? It’s not from the words as much as it hits on something deeper. Criticism in relationships feels personal, sharp, and even threatening to the core of our connection. But here’s the good news: how we respond to criticism can change everything.
Criticism is unavoidable in long-term relationships. Whether it’s about dirty dishes, forgotten dates, or how you handled a conversation with your in-laws, being on the receiving end of feedback (especially poorly packaged feedback) is the messiness that makes up life. But rather than making sure it never happens, we can focus more on how we respond to it.
So, let’s break down what criticism really is, why it cuts so deep, and—most importantly—seven healthy, psychologically sound ways to respond to it. Let’s dive in.
How does criticism show up in a relationship?
Criticism is not just feedback. It has a particular flavor, and that’s because it’s not just negative feedback about your behavior, but it usually aims a little deeper at your character, values, or core being. Let’s use an example:
- Complaint: “I’m frustrated you didn’t take out the trash like we agreed.”
- Criticism: “You never follow through. You’re so lazy.”
Notice the difference? One is specific and focuses on behaviors, while the other makes a more global character judgment. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen”—predictors of relationship breakdown.
Criticism often arises when a partner feels unheard, exhausted, or emotionally neglected. It can be a desperate and misguided attempt to express pain or regain control, any control. And criticism can become habitual, consistently eroding the relationship from the inside out.
Why does criticism hurt so much?
There’s a reason criticism from a partner doesn’t just feel uncomfortable—it can feel like a threat to your safety (emotional or otherwise). That’s because our brains are wired to perceive social rejection or judgment as a threat. Our brain even lights up to criticism like it does to physical pain. So yes, when your partner criticizes you, your brain processes it like physical pain or the threat of physical pain.
What makes criticism hurt more? Most people carry emotional wounds, healed or unhealed, from past relationships, and criticism can stir them all up with a tiny prick. Connections we may not even know we have can be hiding under the surface of our consciousness, making criticism seem much more painful.
So, how do we respond to criticism in an emotionally healthy way?
In a relationship, it’s nearly impossible to avoid criticism. Even the healthiest couples have a hard day, miscommunicate, and get snippy. While there are ways to decrease how often you or your partner are criticizing the other, we’re going to focus on how to respond when it does happen.
Responding well to criticism doesn’t mean you’re validating it or letting it slide. It’s a balance of self-respect and empathy. Let’s explore seven healthy ways to do that.
1. Pause and create a mindful moment
We often respond to criticism with behaviors like counter-criticism, defending ourselves, shutting down, or placating our partner. But these knee-jerk reactions can do more harm than good over time. Why? They create a pattern of interaction that can become a cycle that breaks down the foundation of your trust in each other.
So, rather than reacting right away, practice a mindful pause. Even a few seconds can help interrupt the unhelpful cycle and allow your brain to consider other options (options that are less driven by pure emotion).
How can you give yourself this moment? Try a few mindfulness techniques, like taking a deep breath, grounding yourself through your senses (e.g., feeling your feet on the ground), or counting to three. Then, decide how you want to respond to the criticism.
2. Respond with your emotional experience
Shift the conversation by responding to criticism with your emotional experience. Share with your partner (non-judgmentally) how their criticism made you feel. What does that look like? It can look like:
The criticism: “Why can’t you ever see how busy I am and just help me with the dishes? You never do anything around the house.”
The response: “When I hear that, I feel really hurt and a little overwhelmed, and when I feel this way, I want to shut down instead of talking more about it.”
Naming your emotional experience allows you time to decide how to respond and to shift the tone of the conversation from blame to vulnerability. While this example also includes sharing how you may react, just sharing how you feel in a non-judgmental manner is powerful.
3. Understanding what’s under the criticism
Criticism often hides a vulnerable need that’s struggling to find air. While it doesn’t validate or make their criticism (or tone) okay, it can be helpful to understand if there is a deeper meaning.
When a partner says, “You’re so self-centered,” they may be trying to communicate, “I’m feeling unimportant or unloved.” If they say, “You never listen to me,” they may be trying to ask, “Can we connect/spend more meaningful time together?”
Practicing looking past the tone or words and to the emotional need or request can be hugely beneficial. That understanding can help reduce the degree of emotional reaction (on both sides) and move the conversation from attack mode to a more meaningful request or collaborative exploration. This way of decoding each other’s stress can help turn conflict into connection.
4. Set healthy boundaries
Being open doesn’t mean accepting every harsh word or criticism. A healthy and valid response to criticism includes boundary setting. This can be a stand-alone response or in conjunction with the other strategies we’ve discussed so far.
In response to criticism, you can name it with responses like “I want to hear what’s bothering you, but I need us to speak respectfully,” or “I’m open to talking, but not if I’m being attacked. If I continue to feel like that, I will step away from the conversation.”
Both examples demonstrate a willingness to discuss an issue with your partner, but also clearly identify your boundary. In addition, the last example explicitly calls out what you’ll do if they continue to cross your boundary (and you’ll need to be consistent on that follow-through!)
Clear boundaries signal strength and self-respect, and often inspire the same from your partner.
5. Use the soft start-up technique
You can’t control how your partner brings up an issue, but you can model a better way. One of the most powerful tools from the Gottman Method is the soft start-up to responding to criticism, which paves the way for a more productive conversation without blame.
The key is to use “I statements” to share your feelings in a positive, non-blaming way. These can include things like, “I hear you’re upset, and I want to understand,” or “I’m not sure I agree, but I’m open to hearing more about this.” Soft startups reduce defensiveness and keep the door open for honest dialogue.
This strategy can also be done before criticism to better express any complaints you may have in the relationship.
6. Ask clarifying questions
Respond to the criticism with curiosity. It can be disarming in the best way! Ask questions like, “Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” or “What would you like to see change?”
Responding with curiosity and gathering information does not mean you are acquiescing or agreeing with your partner’s POV, but doing so helps shift the dynamic from partner vs. partner to us working together to solve a problem. You both may also be surprised by what can come out of the conversation when you pause the assumption and ask each other questions.
7. Own your part – but don’t take on more
Sometimes, criticism points to a real misstep. Repairing doesn’t mean taking all the blame. It means acknowledging your impact, even if your intent was different. What does that look like? Examples include: “I didn’t mean to make you feel dismissed. That wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it came across,” or “That wasn’t how I wanted to show up. Let me try again.”
There is power in owning your part of the conflict, but you also want to be cautious that you aren’t taking on all the responsibility in an effort to calm the dispute. But there are substantial benefits in these micro-repairs; research by the Gottmans found that successful couples make frequent, small repair attempts that prevent conflict from spiraling out of control.
Conclusion: How to respond to criticism in a healthy way and strengthen your relationship
Learning how to respond to criticism in a healthy way doesn’t just improve your communication skills—it strengthens the foundation of your relationship. When you’re able to stay present, curious, and grounded in moments of tension, you’re signaling something powerful to your partner: that you’re willing to hear them and hold healthy boundaries.
While criticism can erode a relationship if pervasive, it’s also unrealistic to say it will never pop up (hey, we’re all humans!) When both partners learn to meet criticism with openness and respect, the relationship becomes a safer, more resilient space. You move from defensiveness to dialogue, from disconnection to emotional intimacy.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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