Head over heels. My everything. My heart is full. You feel at home. I can’t imagine life without you.
These are all platitudes of someone in love. Falling in love is often described as a whirlwind experience full of high highs (and sometimes anxious lows) and strong connections. But what do we learn when we broaden our understanding of what it really means to be in love? This article will define love in all its forms and help you better understand what it means to be in love.
Love vs. infatuation?
How do you know when it’s love and not just an infatuation? Let’s break it down. And, yes, there are outliers and general definitions.
Infatuation
- Short-lived
- Based on fantasy or how you “want” to see a person
- Feelings are intense and characterized by overwhelming anticipation & attractions
- Feelings tend to be short-lived
Love
- Enduring
- Based on realistic characteristics
- Feelings may be less intense but are characterized by tenderness, trust, and attachment.
- Feelings are more stable and long-lasting.
The science behind love
When we think of love, we often first think about our heart, but the main organ behind all these lovey-dovey feelings is actually the brain.
So, what happens when we are experiencing feelings of love?
- A rush of chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin flood our brains. This creates those physical & emotional responses like your heart racing, sweaty palms, and feelings of passion and nervousness.
- Oxytocin helps create those emotional bonds by triggering feelings of contentment, calmness, and security – all ingredients for bonding.
- Parts of our brains, the caudate nucleus, and the ventral tegmental area, light up when you talk or see your loved ones. These parts of the brain are associated with reward, pleasures, and motivation.
- Love shuts down our neural pathways in charge of negative emotions (fear, social judgment). We also become less able to make critical assessments of others, which is why “love is blind.”
How do I know I’m in love?
What are the signs that you’re in love? While the exact constellation depends on you, the other person, and life, the general signs of being in love include:
- Thinking about the person constantly. Notice your mind drifts to this person, memories together, and future plans?
- Prioritizing their happiness. Do you feel happier when they’re happy? Do you think as much or more about their happiness than yours?
- Wanting to think long-term with them. Does thinking about your future together bring a smile to your face? Despite any worries about the future in general, do you find yourself visualizing a future together?
- Feeling safe and understood. Do you find sharing things about yourself you don’t share with many people? Do you feel (emotionally) safe and validated?
- Connected and attached. Do you find yourself trusting and on the same wavelength? Do you feel a shift in your emotional state when you’re near this person?
- Increased fear or worry. Do you find yourself feeling anxious or worried about being apart? After a fight, are you fearful that you may lose this person?
- Physically attracted. Do you desire this person? Attracted to them? Not the only ingredient, but it is an important component. What most people may not realize (or forget) is that attraction changes over time and evolves.
Mythbusters about love
Love comes with its fair share of myths, and let’s be honest – some of them are straight-up wrong. From fairy tale expectations to rose-colored glasses, these misconceptions can make love harder than it needs to be.
Myth #1: Love is always easy.
The reality is that love requires effort, commitment, and compromise. If the act of love itself is not easy, it can be filled with unrequited love, confusion, and misunderstanding. Love is messy, just like every other human experience. But remember, easy doesn’t mean worthwhile.
Myth #2: Once you’re in love, you won’t feel attracted to others.
Attraction has a biological underpinning and natural. It is also a feeling not an action. What is harmful to a relationship is when attraction moves into action that erodes or breaks the trust of your partner.
Myth #3: Love means loving every part of the person.
False! Let’s give ourselves and everyone around us realistic expectations. Loving someone does not mean never becoming annoyed or disliking an aspect/habit/action of our loved ones. It means overcoming those challenges in a way to strengthen the relationship.
Myth #4: Being in love means no fights.
Disagreements are normal! When handled constructively, arguments can actually strengthen your relationship. Being in love also means being more emotionally invested, and that just increases the possibility of disagreements.
Love over time
Love isn’t static – it’s dynamic and changing with time, life circumstances, and the people involved. At different stages of your life, love can look and feel dramatically different, and remember, that’s okay! What are the general stages of love?
Early Days
“It’s like a wild rollercoaster, and the thrill of the potential”
- Marked by self-discovery, excitement, and exploration
- Intensity, high energy, and passion
- Can also be marked by uncertainty
- Personal growth is high for each individual and with each other
Middle Phase
“There’s still passion, and we want to build a life together”
- The concept of love often shifts to more stability, partnership, and shared goal
- Looking for a love that will “go the distance”
- Building a life together
- Often brings in more of life’s responsibilities and stress (like managing a household, children, or career advancements)
- Learning to be a team
Later Stage
“It’s not fireworks, but it’s something better – it’s having a lifelong teammate who’s been through the grind with you”
- It may be quieter, but that doesn’t mean there is less love
- Companionship, shared memories, strong sense of comfort & security
- May require effort to love the person as they are now and not who you remember them as
Closing thoughts
Love is one of life’s greatest adventures, covering the whole spectrum of human emotions. To truly understand what it means to be in love, it is to better understand how love is initiated biologically, how it evolves, and what it is not.
Overall it’s messy, complex, and profoundly human. Whether you’re in the throes of early love or the stability of a lifelong partnership, this article provided you with a deeper understanding to help you answer the question, “What does it mean to be in love?” The science, realities, and myths, as well as how it grows and transforms.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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