In the intricate tapestry of relationships, communication is the thread that holds everything together. Its role becomes particularly pivotal when we’re wading through all the honest (and hard) conversations – aspirations, finances, and planning for life events. As a psychologist, I’ve had the opportunity to witness and guide countless couples and individuals through these critical dialogues. And now, I’ll share some of the most effective strategies to approach and make it through tough conversations, and come out on the other side a stronger team.
The Art of Communicating in Wedding Planning
Wedding planning. For most, the process often evokes immediate feelings- excitement, hope, overwhelming stress, and maybe even dread. The key to surviving (and even thriving) during the planning process is to communicate with your partner, and to communicate in a way that works best for the two of you. When executed thoughtfully, communication strategies can turn a potentially contentious process into a catalyst for growth, paving the way for an even stronger union. So, let’s jump into a few strategies that will strengthen your relational foundation rather than erode it.
Identify & share your non-negotiables
Our values guide our daily actions, and when we act in value-aligned ways it increases our satisfaction with life. But you can’t share what you haven’t identified yourself; taking some time to understand your core values (see a list here) and how that translates into your vision for your wedding is crucial. Maybe it’s an emphasis on family, observing cultural traditions, bringing together your community of friends, or throwing a creative ceremony. Understanding what lies underneath your partner’s non-negotiable of having an eco-friendly site (stewardship anyone?) allows you both to start the conversation with more empathy and understanding. No value is right or wrong, and no one value is “better” than another. By focusing on understanding the values you both share and the ones you each hold to the strongest, the higher the likelihood your wedding will reflect an authentic representation of you both as individuals and as a couple. You’re also more likely to identify areas that you can both compromise in, and you’re each more likely to do so knowing that your non-negotiable has been heard and valued by your partner. These core values will also help ground you when you’re lost in a sea of details; coming back to common anchors allows you, as a couple, to check in, “Does [XYZ] really help us achieve [value]?” These interactions will transform your wedding from merely a memorable event to a powerful testament of mutual understanding and respect.
Again. And again. And again.
Communication is a dynamic and continuous process that allows for shifting ideas and emerging concerns. For instance, you may initially agree on a shared value like having a small, intimate ceremony. But as the planning progresses, one partner may start to feel differently, perhaps due to family pressures or changing personal feelings. Reframing these events as normal, and not a violation of your initial agreement, will make a huge difference. It allows the space for you both to share concerns while they are small (read: manageable) and explore with each other alternative paths. Having the opportunity to express your feelings, discuss possible changes, and renegotiate plans if necessary will allow you both to stay aligned throughout the process and on the big day.
Strength lies in diversity.
Understanding and accepting differences in each other’s communication styles is another crucial aspect of effective communication. Everyone has a unique way of expressing themselves, and under stress, that can become even more… unique. Some people are direct and to the point, while others may be more reflective and need more time to process information before responding. Recognizing these differences can prevent miscommunication and foster better understanding. For instance, if one partner needs time to think things through, both should agree on a time to revisit the conversation rather than forcing an immediate discussion. Conversely, if one partner prefers to deal with issues as they arise, it’s important to respect that need by addressing concerns promptly. This mutual understanding and respect for each other’s communication styles can greatly facilitate the wedding planning process and set a healthy communication pattern for your future life together.
Budgeting: A Crucial Exercise in Communication
Finances, budgeting… it’s all tied to much more than pure numbers. Each of us may view and value money for different reasons – for the opportunities it affords, the stability, or as a token of success. It warrants absolute clarity and candid communication. Taking the time to have a real and honest discussion about your individual and combined financial resources, expectations, and constraints is paramount to avoid financial anxiety and possible disagreements in the future. Express your financial comfort levels openly and discuss areas where you’re ready or not ready to compromise.
Once you’ve collectively understood your wedding budget, you can begin allocating funds to various aspects of the wedding – from venue to attire, food to photography. Remember, this budget should not be set in stone but adaptable to unforeseen expenses. Regular check-ins about the budget throughout the planning process will ensure both partners remain on the same page and mutually agreed decisions are made. Effectively communicating about your wedding budget will not only enable you to plan a wedding that aligns with your financial circumstances but also lay a robust groundwork for managing finances together in your married life.
Conflict Resolution: The Power of Conversation
Wedding planning is an adventure that is likely to be filled with highs and lows. Expecting and putting down the groundwork for how to resolve disagreements will set you both up for success in wedding planning and beyond. In the sections that follow, we will delve into how active listening, empathetic communication, and compromise can act as robust tools to navigate and resolve conflicts during wedding planning.
If you find yourself at odds with your partner during the planning process, take a moment to listen to them. To listen not only to their words, but to genuinely try to comprehend their feelings and perspectives. Understanding this doesn’t equate to agreeing with them or that they are “right,” but is the first step to finding common ground and next steps to resolve the disagreement. Listen to understand, not to utilize their words in an agenda.
The reward
At the end of the day, the wedding planning process is an opportunity to build and strengthen your communication skills as a couple. The things listed here are starting points meant to be adapted based on the situation and couple. At the end of the day, tools such as these will increase the probability that your wedding will be an event you both enjoy and strengthen your relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is the Founding Psychologist at Pace Groups. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to improving the lives of clients across the lifespan. Background-wise, she’s been trained and worked in academic centers and hospitals (Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Kaiser and Rady Children’s), and utilizes evidence-based treatments and research to enhance non-clinical, supportive services.
to give you the best experience.
0 Comments