Marriage has evolved significantly over the last few centuries, although you may not realize it! In Western society, marriage began as an economic arrangement and slowly became a search for love.
In the most recent iteration, marriage is now synonymous with fairy tales and soulmates. That is not meant to be derogatory – it is intended to highlight our unrealistically high expectations for marriage. There has been so much pressure to find “the one” that meets all our emotional needs, is sexually compatible, will be the best friend, and the perfect co-parent. Not only that, but there is an added pressure to find this perfect partner at an “ideal” time, and they must possess all these characteristics when we meet them. If they don’t, how are we supposed to know that they’re the ones for us and that our marriage will last forever (insert sarcastic tone here)?
Alternative paths have always been constant with the evolution of marriage—individuals and couples who have elected to pursue an alternative definition of marriage or a committed relationship. Today, you may know or have heard of others being in an “open relationship.” So, let’s talk more about what that really entails.
Open marriage terminology
Before diving in, let’s review a few common terminology and definitions. This list is nowhere near comprehensive and not black and white; there’s a good chance you’ll find someone who disagrees with the definitions below. But it’s a good starting point for the conversation!
- Polyamory: Engagement in multiple romantic relationships.
- Swinging: Engagement (typically by couples) in numerous sexual relationships outside of their dyad (alone or together) with minimal or no emotional or romantic involvement. Sometimes, these couples and/or individuals will engage in consensual group sex.
- Open relationship: Sometimes used interchangeably with CNM, but also used for couples who individually engage in sexual relationships outside of the couple (but usually don’t have a romantic relationship).
For this article, I’ll use the term CNM and open relationships broadly and interchangeably.
What is an open marriage?
From a psychological stance, consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is the umbrella term for relationships in which partners engage in intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationships with multiple people. These are consensual relationships, meaning that all individuals involved have given explicit consent; this is not infidelity. In pop culture, terms such as open relationship, swingers, polyamory, or even “monogamy-ish” relationships fall under this umbrella.
CNM is a lot more common than you may think. According to this study, about 1 in every 22 people currently in a romantic relationship also identify as being in a CNM relationship. But even with that high engagement, the CNM world is often shrouded in mystery, misunderstood, or met with hateful stigma. By exploring what CNM entails and why particular couples and individuals gravitate towards it, there can be an open discourse and healthy exploration for each person to find what really works for them.
If you want to learn more, the American Psychological Association’s Division 44 (Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy) has a great CNM fact sheet.
Why?! Why would someone want an open marriage?
For those new or unfamiliar with an open relationship, the first question is often, “Why?!” quickly followed by, “But how can this work?!” The first thing you’ll have to realize is that for an open relationship to work, it has to have the same ingredients and foundation that a successful monogamous relationship has: open & honest communication, transparency, and agreement/consent.
Open relationships are not cheating; if someone says they are in an open relationship and their partner is unaware or has not given complete, explicit consent… well, that’s just infidelity.
So why do 1 in 5 people engage in CNS at some point during their lifetime? Let’s explore.
Emotional & Sexual Fulfillment.
Stepping away from the value that one person needs to fulfill my emotional and sexual needs allows a person to explore alternative relationship configurations. A person may find that their sexual needs are fulfilled more effectively by a person who does not fulfill other areas of their lives. Therefore, they may have a different partner to meet their emotional needs, which can lead to a more profound sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in their overall relationship landscape.
Variety and Exploration.
Some individuals highly value and intentionally seek out opportunities to explore different aspects of their sexuality and to experience different connections with others while still maintaining a primary partnership.
Sexual Compatibility.
Sometimes, a partnership may be ideal in all ways, but one. Perhaps two partners have varying sexual needs or desires, and an open relationship allows all the needs to be met without sacrificing emotional connection. There may be sexual preferences that can not or do not want to be met in the confines of a monogamous relationship.
Autonomy.
Traditionally, monogamous relationships often come with societal expectations and, therefore, restrictions. In contrast, open relationships remove many of those societal definitions, allowing for more autonomy – it is up to the partners to define what their relationship is and where the confines or boundaries are.
Conclusion
Open relationships are not for everyone. And just like monogamous relationships, there are healthy open relationships and unhealthy ones. For an open relationship to be successful, it requires a great deal of communication, explicit agreement/consent, introspection, and mutual respect. What works for one couple does not automatically work for another, and one configuration may be more appropriate at one point in your relationship than another. Understanding your values and how you’d like to live out your romantic life takes self-exploration. Ultimately, the success of any relationship is the same – a healthy foundation of communication and trust.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about open marriages
We get that many people are very curious about this topic and how it works, so let’s dive into some more FAQs on this topic.
Q: I’m curious about an open marriage, but I’ve never discussed it with my partner. How do I bring it up?
A: It can be scary to venture or even think about something off the typical path, so it’s a great sign you’re approaching this thoughtfully. I’d recommend taking a good amount of time for self-exploration before discussing it with your partner. Take a moment to answer: What is my ideal relationship if I remove all preconceived notions of what that means? Then, ask yourself in which ways this differs from and in which ways it is the same as my current relationship.
Be really honest with yourself about what may be driving your desire. Are you wanting to explore other sexual partners because you’re upset with your current partner? Or do you feel sexual incompatibility and want to fulfill that need while maintaining your current relationship as your primary and emotionally fulfilling one?
How you bring it up with your partner then depends on your answers, your temperament/personality, and your partner’s. The biggest takeaway is that you will need to talk to your partner at some point, so the sooner you can do it thoughtfully, the better.
Q: How are open marriages stigmatized today?
A: Often, individuals in open relationships are shamed, and their relationships are seen as immoral or low in quality. The individuals involved are often painted as selfish or uncaring and just motivated by sex. If children are involved, there are strong opinions that it harms them. Individuals can face rejection from family and friends and discriminating behaviors from others, which often pressures those in open relationships to hide this information from those in their lives.
Q: How do I know if an open marriage is right for me and my partner?
A: No formula or set of questions will answer this for you. Deciding if an open relationship is right for you and your partner truly depends on particular and personal factors. What are your values (as individuals & a couple), what are you looking for in a relationship, what do you each believe is missing, how do you communicate, how do you respond to intense feelings, can you maintain boundaries… You both need to be honest with each other and yourselves about what you hope to gain and if you’re comfortable and ready to address the unique challenges an open relationship brings.
If you and your partner feel comfortable and enthusiastic about exploring an open relationship together, it may be worth trying. However, if you have significant reservations or doubts, it’s crucial to respect those feelings and consider alternative ways to address any issues within your relationship.
Q: Can an open relationship or CNM be a solution if my partner and I are having sexual problems?
A: It can – depending on the nature of your sexual problems and the factors driving it. For example, if you and your partner are having difficulty with trust, and that in turn has impacted your intimacy and sexual activity, an open relationship will definitely not solve it – it will most certainly make it worse!
Explore and address any underlying problems within the relationship before exploring an open relationship. Or at least those that can not be solved or improved in an open relationship. Be open and honest with your partner about the sexual challenges you’re experiencing. Share your feelings and your requests, then open space to hear the same from your partner. Avoid judgment or blame, and focus on identifying the areas of mismatch or areas for growth.
This isn’t an easy discussion, so be open to taking advantage of professional help. Look for a therapist who specializes in sexual health and relationship issues and (if possible) is CNM-affirming. In other words, a therapist who is open and non-judgemental to non-traditional relationships. Together, you can work through these challenges together and help you explore whether an open relationship is a viable option for your relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is the Founding Psychologist at Pace Groups. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to improving the lives of clients across the lifespan. Background-wise, she’s been trained and worked in academic centers and hospitals (Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Kaiser and Rady Children’s), and utilizes evidence-based treatments and research to enhance non-clinical, supportive services.
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