Guess what percentage of US adults think getting a prenup is important? 50%. Yes, that’s right, about half of U.S. adults approve of getting a prenup! See! It’s not that scary! You basically have a 50/50 chance of your partner already wanting one. But we get it, you might be thinking, ‘But what if my partner hasn’t thought about this?’ Maybe it isn’t exactly that you fear they’ll be opposed to the idea, but you doubt it has even crossed their mind to begin with. Read on for some tips on asking for a prenup.
Put yourself in their shoes
Before discussing a prenup, try to see things from your partner’s perspective. This will foster understanding and help you frame the conversation sensitively. Consider your partner’s potential worries with a prenup:
- Feeling Distrusted: If there’s a big income gap, they might feel like you don’t trust them with your money. For instance, if you have significant family wealth and they come from nothing, they may worry you don’t trust them, so reassure them this is not the case.
- Fear of the Future: They may worry about losing out financially if the marriage ends, especially if they are not financially dependent or planning to stay home with the children. For example, let’s take John (he’s a doctor) and Amy (she’s a nurse planning to quit and be a stay-at-home Mom one day). Amy may feel fearful for her financial future if John asks for a prenup. HOWEVER, what she doesn’t understand is that prenups can protect both parties simultaneously. The prenup can also provide for HER as well.
- Hurt Feelings: Even if it’s not your intent, some people (based on their own experiences or knowledge) may feel hurt by it, even though we both know there’s nothing wrong with getting a prenup! In fact, it can be romantic and make your relationship mean more.
Start the conversation early
We recommend starting the conversation three to six months before the wedding day. Why? Getting a prenuptial agreement is a very deliberate process that takes time. Prenups aren’t something to squeeze in between cake tastings and dress fittings. Here’s why starting the conversation early is crucial:
- Time to Think: You both need time to consider what you want from a prenup, individually and as a couple. For instance, how do you both feel about alimony? What about death clauses? There’s a lot to consider!
- Careful Drafting: A well-written prenup takes time. Lawyers need to draft, and you both need time to review. Rushing increases the risk of mistakes. If you’re going the online route with HelloPrenup, you want to give yourself time to go through the questionnaire and ask questions if needed.
- Less Stress: Tackling this alongside wedding planning is a recipe for overwhelm. A prenup deserves your full focus. Don’t try to squeeze in prenup consultations at the last minute.
- Room for Negotiation: If there are disagreements, you need time to work them out fairly. For instance, if one partner wants a wealth equalization clause while the other does not, this may take time to work out amicably.
Choose the right moment
The setting matters! We don’t recommend bringing up the prenup talk after a big fight or a long day at work; you catch our drift? A serious conversation like this deserves a time and place where you can both focus. Here’s what to consider:
- Choose a Calm Time: Avoid bringing it up during stressful periods, arguments, or when either of you is rushing out the door. Think: after a fun Saturday afternoon, a lazy Sunday morning, or another time when both partners feel relaxed.
- Aim for a Positive Mood: When you’re both feeling laid-back and feeling connected, it’s easier to have a productive discussion.
- Allow for Uninterrupted Time: This isn’t a quick chat. Set aside time when you can discuss it without feeling pressured.
Why This Matters: A prenup is about protecting your future. Giving it the attention it deserves now prevents rushed decisions and potential resentment later.
Read up on prenups together
A prenup shouldn’t be one partner’s idea imposed on the other. Plus, there’s a lot to learn and many people don’t have the slightest idea what a prenup entails. Here’s how to make it a shared learning experience:
- Start with the Basics: If your partner is unfamiliar with prenups, explain that they’re about protecting BOTH partners and planning for a strong future, not just divorce.
- Resources for Both of You: Suggest websites (like HelloPrenup!), articles, or even podcasts that explain things in clear, relatable terms. Focus on ones that cover your specific state’s laws.
- Explore the Possibilities: Discuss what you each want from a prenup. What worries you? What would make you feel more secure financially?
- Why This Builds Trust: Learning together shows you’re a team, taking your future seriously without making assumptions about each other’s motives.
Pro Tip: Go to HelloPrenup and find your state in the dropdown menu at the top right for more information. You might also read about different clauses you have the option of including (or not) in a prenuptial agreement. For a deeper dive, you can read the Ultimate Prenup Guide or listen to the Hello Prenup podcast.
Be honest and transparent
Let’s be real: asking for a prenup can raise questions. Here’s why being upfront about your reasons is the best approach:
- Explain Your ‘Why’: Be open about what you want to protect – whether it’s a business, inheritance, or simply peace of mind. Understanding where you are coming from helps get the honest conversation started.
- Builds Trust: Being transparent shows your partner that you’re not hiding anything or expecting the worst.
- Opens the Door: This sets the stage for them to be honest about their concerns and goals, too.
- Strengthens Your Bond: Tackling this together builds communication skills essential for a strong marriage, with or without a prenup.
Pro Tip: Prenups require financial disclosure, which necessitates transparency regarding finances. In other words, the prenup process itself will require honesty and transparency, as well!
Be prepared for some awkwardness
Let’s face it: talking about prenups can be uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid it. Here’s why:
- Money Talks are Tough: Finances are a sensitive topic for most couples, even without a prenup in the mix.
- Facing the Unthinkable: Nobody wants to think about divorce while planning their wedding. But a prenup is about being prepared, not expecting the worst.
- Awkwardness is Practice: This is a chance to build the communication skills you’ll need to tackle tough topics together for a lifetime.
The Good News: Awkwardness doesn’t last forever. Openness and a little humor can ease the tension and lead to a productive talk.
Listen genuinely, and don’t interrupt
Difficult conversations demand your focus. Here’s how to truly listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings without interrupting or listening just to get “your turn to talk”:
- Resist the Urge to Interrupt: Let them finish their thought before you respond. This shows respect and helps you fully grasp their concerns.
- Aim for Understanding: Focus on what they’re saying, not just formulating your own response. This fosters empathy.
- Take Breaks if Needed: If you’re feeling overwhelmed or triggered, it’s okay to pause the conversation. Use that time to calm down, not rehearse arguments.
- Benefits of Listening: You may be surprised by the insights you gain or the compromises you find. Deep listening builds trust, even when discussing a sensitive issue like a prenup.
Ask questions
The prenup conversation isn’t a monologue. Ask your partner questions. Here’s why asking thoughtful questions is key:
- Avoid Assumptions: Don’t jump to conclusions about your partner’s hesitation. Instead, ask for clarification like, “Can you help me understand what’s giving you pause?”
- Seek Deeper Meaning: Good questions uncover the ‘why’ behind their concerns, not just the surface-level objections.
- Foster Empathy: Asking open-ended questions shows you’re genuinely trying to see things from their perspective.
- Build a Foundation: This collaborative approach makes it feel less like you’re demanding a prenup, and more like you’re working toward a solution together.
Your body language matters
In the prenup conversation, your words are only part of the story. Don’t forget to take note of how your non-verbal gestures are coming off. Here’s how to make sure your nonverbal cues signal openness and respect:
- Maintain Eye Contact: This shows you’re engaged and listening, not avoiding something difficult.
- Relax Your Posture: Don’t appear tense or defensive. A gentle smile (if it feels natural) can convey warmth.
- Watch Your Tone: Aim for calm and neutral. Avoid sounding accusatory or overly emotional.
- Self-Awareness is Key: Notice if you’re fidgeting, frowning, or crossing your arms. These signals can make your partner feel less safe sharing their true feelings.
Think collaboratively
Approach the prenup talk with the goal of finding a solution that benefits you both. Here’s how to frame it:
- Emphasize Mutual Benefit: Explain that a prenup isn’t just about protecting yourself but about building a secure future together where you both feel protected.
- Treat Them as an Equal: See your partner as a collaborator, not someone to convince or persuade. Their concerns are just as valid as your own.
- Finding Win-Win Solutions: When disagreements arise, remember you’re on the same side. Focus on finding compromises that leave you both feeling safe and respected.
Put it all together by practicing in the mirror
If this sounds totally nerdy, that’s because it is. And, yes, it will feel awkward at first! But here’s why it’s a smart move:
- Refine Your Approach: Saying your main points out loud helps identify where you sound hesitant or too forceful. Adjust your phrasing for a smoother delivery.
- Test Your Tone: Hear if you come across as accusatory or overly defensive. Practice a calmer, more collaborative approach.
- Boost Confidence: Rehearsing makes the actual conversation feel less daunting. You’ll have a better sense of what you want to say and how.
- Catch Those Cues: Pay attention to your body language in the mirror. Does it match your intention of openness and respect?
The bottom line on asking for a prenup
While some of the tips on this list may seem simple, they’re easier said than done. Prepare carefully before you broach this important topic, and internalize the tips above so that you can keep them in mind throughout the discussion. If you adhere to these simple but important pieces of advice when you ask your partner for a prenup, there’s a good chance they’ll react favorably, and you’ll start the prenup process out on the right foot.
After you’ve opened the conversation, you and your partner might be interested in taking a look at HelloPrenup together, where you can draft your prenup online from the comfort of your home. Here’s how it works.
Co-create your prenup today and protect your ass(ets)!
Nicole Sheehey is the Head of Legal Content at HelloPrenup, and an Illinois licensed attorney. She has a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to prenuptial agreements. Nicole has Juris Doctor from John Marshall Law School. She has a deep understanding of the legal and financial implications of prenuptial agreements, and enjoys writing and collaborating with other attorneys on the nuances of the law. Nicole is passionate about helping couples locate the information they need when it comes to prenuptial agreements. You can reach Nicole here: Nicole@Helloprenup.com
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