Hey there, money-savvy lovebirds! If you’re reading this, then it’s safe to assume you and your partner are quite the pros when it comes to dating. But what about when it comes to dating your money? Discussing finances can feel daunting for even the closest of couples, but with finances still a leading factor of divorce, it’s time to set yourself a potentially relationship-changing date. So, are you ready to turn those financial talks with your partner from daunting to delightful? Well, this is your ultimate guide on how to have a valuable and, dare I say, fun, money date with your significant other. Get ready to bond over budgets, swoon over savings, and flirt with your financial goals together. Let’s dive in!
Why do money dates matter?
Money dates aren’t just about balancing your accounts; they’re about building trust, aligning goals, and strengthening your relationship. According to the American Institute of CPAs (AICPA), a mere 56% of married or cohabiting couples said they felt comfortable discussing finances with their partner, while almost 75% of such couples agree that financial decisions are a cause of strain in their relationship, with nearly half revealing it has had negative consequences on their levels of intimacy as a result.
So, if you’re feeling nervous at the idea of mixing romance and money, know that those emotions are valid. You’re not alone, but it’s not an excuse to run from this really important date.
In fact, overcoming that initial resistance will do your relationship a world of good. Research from the AICPA also shows that a lack of communication and finances are two prevailing challenges that lead to divorce. So, let’s make talking about money as natural as discussing your favorite Netflix series, shall we?
Who should do a money date?
If money is in your life, then you need to be dating it! That’s to say, everyone benefits from dedicated time alone with their finances. At The Witch of Wall Street, I strongly recommend all the women I work with to have their own money date, so they can stay connected and on top of their finances. Its impact is really hard to underestimate. For those who are in relationships, it becomes a must to have a joint money date, too. This remains true regardless of which partner is the breadwinner, who is the higher earner, or which partner typically manages finances. Sitting down to review the financial situation of your relationship is really important and not only reserved for married couples who’ve made a lifelong commitment to one another.
My experience from working with couples has shown me that, too often, we can get on the wrong money page from our partner, and unspoken expectations creep in. For example, one partner assumes the other is more financially well off than them, and so should be the one to pay on date night. The other partner feels they should do more work around the house since they pay for everything. Money touches every aspect of our lives and can spill into areas far beyond who is paying the bill. So, time to schedule your money date with your partner or spouse to ensure you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet.
Step-by-Step guide on how to conduct a money date
Let’s break down how to do your very first money date below.
Step 1: Set the Scene
First things first, make an effort to create an environment that’s most conducive to success. Choose a cozy spot where you both feel comfortable and relaxed. Whether it’s your favorite cafe or the comfort of your living room with some candles and soft music, create an ambiance that encourages open and honest conversation. Opening up about finances and having some potentially challenging conversations requires vulnerability and mutual understanding. So avoid delving into it straight after work, when trying to get the kids dinner, or just before rolling into bed when you’re already exhausted.
Step 2: Prepare Together
Come prepared for your date so you’re not wasting time scrambling to find statements or login details. Before your money date, here are some financial documents you should gather to be prepared:
- Credit card statements,
- Debt card statements,
- Bills,
- Investment portfolios,
- Loan statements,
- And so on, so forth.
If you’ve been keeping separate accounts, then this may be the first time you’re fully opening up financially. If so, remember that this isn’t about pointing fingers at each other but understanding where you stand collectively. Plus, tackling finances together creates a sense of teamwork and unity as you’re working towards shared goals of financial success.
Step 3: Start with the Basics
Just like on your first date together, you didn’t walk down the aisle to marriage; if this is your first money date, then ease into it slowly. Begin with light-hearted questions to set the tone, for instance:
- What are our shared financial goals? Talk about your aspirations—whether it’s buying a home, traveling the world, or starting a family—and map out a high-level roadmap on what you’ll need to do to get there.
- How do our spending habits align? Start with what you have in common before delving into the differences.
- What money-related worries keep us up at night? Take time to share with your partner the unspoken stresses that are playing on your mind. It likely never feels like the right time to address these during your busy days, so use this space and time to air them out now.
Remember, there are no right or wrong answers here —just honest ones between two people who are deeply invested in one another already.
Step 4: Make a Budget
Now that you’ve set the scene and you’re in the flow of your date, it’s time to crunch the numbers. Review your income, expenses, and savings. Use tools like budgeting apps (such as Mint or You Need a Budget) to track your spending patterns and identify areas for improvement. A great way to check if your finances are flowing in the right direction is to use the 50/30/20 budgeting method.
Calculate how much of your income is currently going on:
- (50%) Essential expenses e.g., rent, mortgage, utilities, insurance, groceries etc
- (30%) Fun/social expenses e.g., eating out, entertainment, beauty, etc., and
- (20%) Future you e.g., savings, investments, additional debt paydown.
Once you know your numbers, check what percentage of the total each makes up. The aim is to have 50% of your income on your essentials expenses, 30% on fun/social expenses, and 20% on future you. If you have a shared goal you’re both working towards, for example, saving for your wedding, you may choose to cut back on the 20% fun expenses and reallocate those funds towards your savings goal instead. This isn’t an exact science but rather a benchmark to gauge where you’re at currently and what changes you want to make.
I’ve often seen couples make incorrect assumptions about their partner’s financial status based on surface-level appearance, especially in the early stages of dating. It’s okay to be honest about what your financial reality is, especially if you’re beginning to feel the weight of those assumptions play out in your relationship.
Step 5: Don’t Deter from the Tough Conversations
Feedback from the women I’ve worked with has always been worry about having the difficult conversations. It can feel uncomfortable, but ultimately, it’s worth it. Once you’re aligned with your financial goals and have a shared vision you’re both working towards, it becomes a lot easier to have frank conversations about financial habits and whether they are in alignment with that or not.
For example, if you both agree you want to buy a home in 5 years, but only one of you is sacrificing spending in favor of saving, then don’t be afraid to call it out. It will benefit you both in the long run to call out any financial behavior or dynamic that is not congruent with what you both say is your goal.
Step 6: Discuss Debts and Actions Steps
Be transparent about any debts you have, whether it’s student loans, secret credit card balances, or mortgages. Depending on what stage in your relationship you are at, you may choose to create a roadmap to tackle your debts together or support one another to craft a plan to pay them down individually. Research by Debt.org found that seven out of ten Americans will walk down the aisle with some level of debt – mostly student loans or credit card debts. So, if you’re weighed down by the reality of debt, know that you’re not alone. For more tips on tackling debt as a couple, check out Tackling Debt Together: Strategies for Couples Before Marriage.
Step 7: Know When to Get the Bill
Metaphorically speaking, of course. As important as it is to get started, it’s equally important to know when it’s time to walk away from your money date. Don’t feel pressure to tackle Mount Everest in one sitting. If you’ve made progress but are pushing up against resistance or rising stress, then move on. If emotions are heated then resolution will never be achieved anyway. It’s better to acknowledge the progress you’ve made together and pencil in the diary your next money date where you can hit reset and start fresh and focused to continue together.
Step 8: Plan Regular Check-ins
Don’t make this a one-and-done meeting of money. Make your money dates a regular occurrence in your relationship, as important as your loving date night out together. Schedule these dates monthly to stay on track with your financial goals and stay connected to one another. This really is an incredible way to ensure no money grievances or annoyances are creeping into your relationship, which if left unaddressed, could blow up into a bigger issue later on. Consistency is key to maintaining financial harmony in your relationship so make this a non-negotiable in your diary.
Additional resources
Check out the additional resources below to delve even deeper into this topic.
- Tune into the podcast episode I recorded, delving deeper into how to have your own money date. Listen to ”How this One Money Habit Transformed My Finances” on The Witch of Wall Street on Spotify here or on Apple podcasts.
- “The 5 Money Personalities” by Scott and Bethany Palmer: Learn how to navigate financial conversations based on your unique money personalities.
- “Smart Couples Finish Rich” by David Bach: Discover practical strategies for achieving financial security and building wealth as a couple.
Cheers to financial bliss!
Congratulations! By prioritizing open communication and mutual respect, you’re setting yourselves up for a lifetime of financial harmony. So, toast to your newfound financial bliss and keep those money dates rolling! Remember, it’s not just about the dollars and cents—it’s about the journey you’re embarking on together. Happy money dating!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about Money Talks
Still have questions? We have answers…
Q: What if my partner and I have different money mindsets?
A: Differences are normal! Use them as an opportunity to learn from each other and find common ground. The key is to find a path forward of compromise and mutual understanding. Check out The Art of Compromise: Navigating Differences as a Couple for more on this.
Q: How do we handle disagreements about money?
A: Practice active listening, compromise, and empathy. Remember, you’re a team! If spending habits are becoming a source of stress, then decide how you can best manage your finances where you both are working towards your shared goals but still retain a level of autonomy. For example, if you have shared bank accounts, you may decide a percentage that each of you gets as your guilt-free spending pot, free to do with whatever you decide.
Q: Should we merge our finances completely?
A: It depends on what works best for you as a couple. Consider a hybrid approach with joint accounts for shared expenses and individual accounts for personal spending. For a deep dive into the pros and cons of merging vs. keeping it separate, check out Merging Finances: Should We Keep it Separate or Create Joint Accounts.
Laura Tynan is the founder of The Witch of Wall Street, a personal finance and investing community, where women are shown how to manage, multiply and manifest money, using simple strategies. Laura holds a BSc Hons in Finance, is a Chartered Accountant, and is certified in EFT Tapping, Breathwork, and RRT. She has been recognized by the Financial Times as a Top 20 Future Female Leader and by Yahoo! Finance as a Global Champion of Women in Business. She is a multi-award-winning speaker who has spoken at, and been featured in, Forbes. Laura hosts The Witch of Wall Street podcast and is the author of the personal finance and investing book for women, by the same name, which is available now on Amazon.
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